sorta

and i’m so sad
like a good book
i can’t put this day back
a sorta fairytale
with you
a sorta fairytale
with you

– tori amos

authentic community

Met with two of my student leaders last night – male and female – we’re leading one of the eight small groups on our campus (they got relegated to be co-leaders with the staffworker, haha)…

During the course of the hang out (the desired purpose to get to know each other better…), the following was directed towards me…

“When you lead, you’ve got a game face.”
“You like to be in control.”
“What intimidates you about a man?”
“How does a man approach Christy if he’s interested in her?”
“Older, younger?”
“What do you say about me when I’m not there?”

It’s not going to be a boring year, that’s for sure…both of them are going to keep me on my toes. ;) I’m excited, though. They’re fabulous individuals.

I train students and talk about authentic community quite often – being real with each other, not wearing masks with each other, etc…and my students really make me proud in that area – their community on campus is vibrant, real, deep and still growing. They just sometimes ask me to live out what I preach at the most unexpected times, haha, and they dig into my life. Striking the balance between authentic realness and being a leader who cannot always get into the details is always an organic, sometimes messy, ever-changing process.

The leaders I respect are the ones who wear their flaws on their sleeves, who don’t pretend to have it together, who are real. That’s always my hope with students – that I would be accessible and just…seen as a real human being. I just sometimes find myself in “staff” mode…and when you have 80 or more people vying for your time and attention, you do learn at times to put up walls and carve out necessary boundaries. Learning when to take them down and sometimes moving back and forth from “leader” whose job it is to equip and motivate a lot of individuals to simply “Christy” is a nuanced art and takes quite a bit of skill.

rehash

“cake”

To all the boys who want to have their cake and eat it, too…

I’m not for consumption
I won’t be your balm
Your rationality
Your wisdom
Your hope
Your comfort
Your shoulder to cry on
Your emotional support
Your best friend
Twice removed.
I won’t be your dumping ground
Your punching bag
Your go-to girl.
I won’t be the one you compare every girl to
And the one you run every one by.
I won’t be the one who calls you out
And tells you like it is
I won’t be your spare tire
Your back up plan
Your rainy day friend
Your platonic date.
Your argumentative buddy
Your movie friend…
I won’t be your cake.

thorn in the side…

Doing what I love, in the season that I love.  Life is good.

I wish I didn’t have this cold but it seems God allows me to have some sort of ailment or issue at each major season…just when I think I’ll be able to take it to the next level because I have a lot of dreams or ideas or inspiration, I get “hampered” – either by sickness or other circumstances, so I’m never fully operating at full capacity.  I have a sneaking suspicion God allows that to keep me humble and super reliant upon Him.   I also get frustrated because I think “Things could be so much better if only…” but I must be content with what I can do and what He does with that, as it is.

And so here, again…I enter into this season with a cold.

Let the trusting begin!

home

Home after a long weekend upnorth…fighting off a cold – last week, a student placed his cup near mine, I drank it, and he warned me he had a cold; I knew I’d come down with it because I was in super busy mode…and sure enough…I came down with it over the weekend.  Pretty miserable but just your average cold…enough to annoy and mess with clarity of mind…but not much more.

I’ll have a 24 Hour prayer event in my home starting tomorrow to kick off the new semester – I’ll be in and out all day running meetings with students but others will be praying.

Hard to believe the summer is over.

monday…

So much to do; I am so happy it’s Monday…deadlines, crazy amounts of work to get done – lists galore.  Back in my fall season element.  Coffee, too many things to get done – I thrive on stress – a healthy level of stress. ;)

–

“Love is a dangerous past time.”  – Regina Spektor

late night

Wound up. Listening to dance music probably isn’t helping. I had a long, full day today, pretty much nonstop until just after midnight, so I’m just thankful that I’m done. I’m in the middle of my crazy busy season…and it’s only going to get crazier from here on out…until October. But I’m going on a girls’ weekend over Labor Day to the lake/woods, so I’m thankful for that in the midst of all of this.

And so it begins really in earnest – I’m bracing for 12 – 16 hour days in the near future…here we go!

musical snapshot

Sitting next to Dad, while he was hooked up to the IV lines, receiving chemo for hours on end, sitting in the chair next to him, while he laid there, weak…dying…the cancer slowly eating away at his strength, I aimlessly did schoolwork, and I distinctly remember listening to “Little Black Backpack” over and over. A guy friend had introduced it to me among other songs…and so…that’s what was on my playlist…nothing spectacular; nothing that even really “spoke” to me about my situation…more than a line or two…but there it was, on my cd, and so I listened to it, rather aimlessly, listlessly…and yet, in that seemingly random decision, I burned a soundtrack of my father’s cancer journey in my memory.

I just heard the song.
And immediately was back in that chemo room, with all the sterile, horrifying smells – smells only found in a hospital – of death and the foreboding sense of gravity found in the cancer ward.

I know it
It’s a shame
A shame I can’t show it
And I see it
I can see it now
But I’m so far below it
Don’t wanna

Don’t wanna talk about it
I say why not?
Don’t wanna think about it
I say there’s got to be some good reason
For your little black backpack
Up, smack, turnaround he’s on his back
And
Don’t wanna tango with you
I’d rather tangle with him
I think I’m gonna bash his head in
And this shouldn’t concern you except that
Just don’t expect to get your bloody black backpack back

I feel you
Yes I can
What about that don’t you understand?
I sense you
It’s something sensual
But it’s less than I planned
Don’t wanna

You’re trying to find a reason for the way you feel tonight
Your mind is lined with layers of lead
Have you heard one thing that I’ve said?
-Stroke 9

little black sandals

These little black sandals are walking me away
These little black sandals are heading the right way
These little black sandals are walking me away
These little black sandals saved my life today – Sia

Photo from the student picnic the other night.  I’m in a period of great transitions and I am loving it.  Love the Sia song as well; sometimes it takes just one foot in front of the other…

frozen meal happiness

I love my life. I love having my own home, being an adult, working, investing in relationships.

It’s 9:29 on a Saturday evening. I still have dishes to do, I just put in a frozen meal in the microwave, and I’m just smiling. I’ve rested all day, not gotten out of pajamas, had the house to myself, had coffee, watched SVU, blogged, and just enjoyed “being.” The stillness in the middle of my busy work season…the ability to have my own kitchen, my own frozen meals, a roof over my head, and the freedom to choose to live how I desire. So few people have that; I know I am deeply blessed.

It’s good to be alive.

down to the letter

I’ve been learning this on the piano and belting it out…so cathartic. One of my current favorite songs…

I thought that we`d be
Further along by now
I can`t remember how
We stumbled to this place

I loved you like a long lost brother
On a bad day maybe I thought why bother
I`ve seldom seen so much anger
In a face

I wanna do better
I wanna try harder
I wanna believe
Down to the letter

Jesus and Mary
Can you carry us
Across this ocean
Into the arms of forgiveness

I don`t mean to laugh outloud
I`m trying to come clean
Trying to shed my doubt
Maybe I should just keep
My big mouth shut

More often than not
When it comes to you
You want whatever`s not in front of you
Deep down I know this includes me too

So tell me your troubles
Let your pain rain down
I know my job I`ve been around
I invest in the mess
I`m a low cost dumping ground

Trouble is I`m so exhausted
The plot, you see, I think I`ve lost it
I need the grace to find what can`t be found
-Over the Rhine

signs of being 28 and single

(Randomly, out of the blue…) “So… would you date someone younger? And if so, what is your lowest threshold?”
I’m pretty sure the *correct* answer to that is… “They must be legal.” Anything else is merely preference. ;p
Hahahaha. Just kidding. ;) But that kind of question deserves a bit of a tongue -in-cheek answer.
–

I’m in a really good place regarding being single. I’m going through so much transition, have a crazy-wonderful ministry that keeps me busy, have incredible friends and family that also fill my life, am growing and learning so much, plus am in the process of figuring out if I want to buy a house in the near future, etc… that I don’t have time much to think about a partner or my lack thereof. ;p And I don’t feel like I’m “missing” something from my life (as I might have once felt).

I see men around me and know that certain characteristics in a husband would be amazing to have in my life…but it would be just that – an amazing addition to my life.

I would love one day to partner with a godly man who would complement me and vice versa, but I’m not angsty about the fact that I’m not married (even if others, including my mother, are ;), and I’m super enjoying life and all the freedom I have. Of course, if the right man walked into my life, I wouldn’t turn him down. :) But I think I’ve come to a place where I really love the freedom and opportunities I have as a single woman and just what God has given me in this season to do, and I know it will take a special kind of guy to partner with me in that particular way, and I’m okay with that.

Of course, when I go visit my girlfriend and hold her three month old who is just to-die for, my desires for a husband/best friend and a family get fanned into more flame, but in the day-to-day of living life, I’m just thankful God has given me so much to do and meets my needs so perfectly. I know marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be – a good partnership can be amazing, and so that’s what I ask God for, but singleness is also an amazing season of life, so if it’s just for a season or for my lifetime, I’m excited about whatever God has.

Following Him is the best, most fulfilling decision I’ve ever made and my relationship status doesn’t matter anymore.  That’s a good place for me to be.

complexity, healing

“You’re a complex woman,” she says.

So, it’s official.  The professional says what I’ve known all along. ;)   Another says everyone is complex.   But I dunno.  While I would agree on some level that everyone is complex…there’s a part of me that thinks for whatever reason, God has put me together in a particularly complex fashion.   The way I think, the way I feel, the way I am always and forever processing…

–

Counseling has been extremely helpful in this season of life; I wish I had gotten it when Dad passed away almost a decade ago, but I’m grateful for it now and so thankful to be able to get it at this stage in life.  It has been extremely helpful and eye-opening – hard and challenging – freeing and wonderful.  Most weeks, I feel like I need an eighth day in my week just to process my one hour counseling session…I feel like I’m growing and healing and maturing in leaps and bounds.  God is stripping away a lot of things I’ve clung to or hid behind; I am in a process of discovering more and more who he’s made Christy to be.  Not who everyone else expects her to be or raised her to be or wants her to be or thinks she should be, but who she is at core.  I feel like God’s healing just keeps washing over me…and that’s all cliché to really say that my counselor is helping me see areas in which I’ve been blind, is helping challenge me, encourage me, affirm me, and support me – connect the dots, ask Jesus for healing in places and areas where I need it, see patterns and thoughts that are not healthy or Biblical and work on changing them, etc.  It has just been so good. I am so thankful for what God is showing me and the ways I’m experiencing his love and care through this process.

–

It feels like a dance to sort through my idealism and my need to survive and thrive from reality…

–

I’m becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin.

My employment/experience with the organization I work for these past three years has been extremely helpful on that end, but I feel like counseling with someone I trust who is both a clinical and also pastoral counselor is just accelerating the process.  I could not be a bigger fan. :)

–

Thankful.  Deeply thankful.

pause, rest, repeat

Ever have days in which you are just…walking through your day in a slight haze due to a tiring week?

That’s today.  I feel like I haven’t quite “woken up” yet…the coffee and the tea isn’t helping.  I’m having a lovely but absolutely unproductive day, except in the area of “rest.” :)

Welcome back to my school-year rythem…come Saturday and I’m almost comatose unwinding from the week… ;)

It’s good to be back here, though.  I’m excited for this new school season, proud of my students, and just enjoying life.

–

I’m going to miss living in this home but I’m excited about the prospect of buying a home…and even if I end up renting, it means I can paint my apartment dark red; I’ve had to forgo my deep red walls during my stay here since I assumed my elderly landlords wouldn’t appreciate their 1920′s home being transformed into a beautifully dark red canvas. ;)  Cannot wait to have my own place again.  I love this place – the character, the memories…but I’ll be ready to move on next spring when the time comes.

–

So much of life to process…constantly.

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bliss

Saturday morning. Coffee. House to myself. Nothing but me and my thoughts all day (with a little bit of housework and laundry thrown in ;). Unwinding from a deliciously wonderful but long two weeks.

it begins…

It all started last night with our back to school picnic, which was a blast. Tonight is my first meeting with all my student leaders (about 30?)…I’m losing track of them all ;p. Finishing prep for that…it’ll be a late night. Excited. My boss is dropping in on the meeting which always “heightens” a leadership meeting experience. ;)
–
The picnic was a blast. I think I took 200 photos…lots of laughter and catching up after a summer apart. It’s always good to let my hair down with the students every once in a while; they usually see me while I’m in leadership mode, so they enjoy it and it’s good for me when I’m able to just hang out with them. So last night was especially good… :)
–
My sister Beth came over late and stayed til after midnight; she’s moving to Boston for grad school. Danielle already left for Austin. Sad to see them go. Happy for them but I will miss them.
–
Let the craziness of the new school season begin – I’m so excited!! ;)
–
Oh, also, enjoying the prospect of buying a house…doing a lot of research…just excited about life in general.

thank you

Thank you. I wish I could tell you in person, but I cannot. Or rather, I am choosing not to. But thank you all the same. Maybe someday you will realize. Maybe you won’t. It’s enough that God knows.

You’ve been so kind and generous
I don’t know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I’m in debt to you
For your selflessness, my admiration
And for everything you’ve done

You know I’m bound…
I’m bound to thank you for it

You’ve been so kind and generous
I don’t know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I’m in debt to you
And I never could have come this far without you
So for everything you’ve done

You know I’m bound…
I’m bound to thank you for it

I want to thank you
For so many gifts
You gave with love and tenderness
I want to thank you

I want to thank you
For your generosity
The love and the honesty
That you gave me

I want to thank you
Show my gratitude
My love and my respect for you
I want to thank you

I want to…

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you

- Natalie Merchant

awe

I’m in awe of God.

Seriously.

Just in awe.

He’s so good and I cannot believe my life – the ways He is working and teaching me and showing me His love.

So thankful.

life

Life is pretty amazing.

I am making new friends, enjoying what God has for me in this season, and just loving the journey He’s taking me on.  It’s been an intense few months, which seems to be the norm for me. :)  So no surprises there, but I feel like I just keep having breakthrough after breakthrough in terms of healing or self-awareness or growth, and it’s amazingly wonderful.  It’s also incredibly draining.  But in a good way.  I’m just tired from all the emotional energy I’m putting out.

Anyway, I just met a girl at a new church I’m going to – she came up to me after the service and introduced herself; she moved to Detroit, is an RN and is going to this urban church now.  We’re around the same age; I’m just excited to make a new connection.

I’ve been falling more and more in love with Detroit while also coming to care more deeply about the places it needs redemption, restoration, new life.

Anyway.

I’m almost too tired to type.  Full day of work, work I love, but emotionally demanding work.

Everything in my life seems pretty emotionally engaging.  I’m so thankful I had a restful vacation season this summer.  So blessed for that.  I’ve entered the crazy-busy period of the school-year rhythm…my life until October shall just be insane.  Though I’m getting away for a girl weekend over Labor Day, which shall be so wonderful. :)

change of plans

I work so many overnights and weekends and week-long trips throughout the year, that I automatically get 4 weeks off a year for vacation since I’m full time.   I took my two summer weeks back to back this year, so I’m enjoying another week off before the busiest season of the year starts for me.

I woke up nauseous this morning and am slightly frustrated.  I was hanging with my brother yesterday and was experiencing vertigo (I tend to get symptoms when I’m either stressed or sick).  I was expressing frustration because I’ve been sleeping, resting, eating well and didn’t feel sick but yet could tell my body was saying “Slow down.”  I had a lot of plans for housework and “spring cleaning” type jobs around the house this week and was excited to be able to do them, and he said “Christen, maybe you just need to slow the frak down.”

Sigh.

So yeah.  I’m listening to my body and just resting today.  So many plans for productivity and here I am.

Will I ever get through all the paperwork and organizing I need to do?! ;)

change

Three weeks ago, I talked with my landlords about my renting situation – they love having me as a renter; I love living in their home; I knew it was their retirement home and mentioned I could see myself living here indefinitely for a number of years.  They never said anything to suggest otherwise.

–

Two weeks ago, they called for a meeting and informed me they had just given away their house.  To a church.  And they were going to be moving out in a few weeks and wondered if I knew of any place they could rent in our neighborhood.

Apparently, they read an article five weeks before about affluence in the U.S. and how it messes with your soul and relationship with God – the lure of false security, etc.  After reflecting on it and having it pierce their hearts, they said they wanted to live like I do – dependent upon God, and give away their home to a church who could use it and start renting from someone else.  At base, they want to divest themselves from their commitments and obligations to upkeep a property, etc. and have more time for people.  All well and good and something I understand completely – just not the manner of making this transition or the timing.  It’s so sudden, and my brother and I are subject to the decision and are not at the mercy of this church in terms of staying here.

So, I’m now in conversation with the pastor who is going to become the owner of this home; I’m hoping I can work out a deal where I will be allowed to stay here for at least six months.  We’ll see.  He assured me he’ll give me at least a two month’s notice before I’m asked to move out.  I meet with him face to face mid-August.

I have been living here for half-rent – only pay 250 a month for everything – rent, utilities, and internet – for over year.  (My brother pays the other half.)  It’s been an incredible blessing and deal and I’m so grateful; moving, however, necessitates a lot of questions that need to be answered – automatically, my living costs will quadruple based on rent in this area, and my brother is in need of a job so he may not be able to continue living with me, so everything is in flux right now.

–

This has perpetuated a sense of not having any clue what my living situation will be in just a few months; it has also spurred me much sooner than I was planning to look at the house market.  Turns out, buying a home will be less or equal to renting an apartment in my city, so it’s an option I should at least look into for a myriad of reasons.  Becoming a homeowner within the next year wasn’t part of my plan -  my dream was to find a duplex in this area and have the first floor open to students, coming and going, since the campus I work on is a commuter campus so they have a place for community, and then I’d live in the upstairs apartment.  That was within my five year tentative plans.  Now, if I have to buy a smaller house much sooner, I’m not sure what will happen.

At least I know God wasn’t caught off guard by this unexpected turn of events!  Curious to see what unfolds.

Life is never predictable.   No one saw this coming.

three years

I’ve been keeping a blog in various forms since I was eighteen.  Ten years’ of blogging.

This month marks three years in one place.

thanks

Counseling.

Raised to think it unBiblical.  Psychobabble.  Needless.  A mix of secular pride and Christian self-help, entwined, enmeshed around the idea of seeking therapy.  Heaven forbid you admit you need help.  Holy Spirit can heal you, they said; you just need to do more work – spiritual work, of course – read your Bible, pray, ask God to heal you, change you.

Exhausting.  And wasn’t working very well.

26 years.  Belief entrenched.

And then, two years ago, I started to notice people I deeply respected.  They all seemed to have had counseling at one time or another.  And slowly the seeds that had been planted years before by D.W. started to get watered.

Three years ago

“Who do you think you are?!  You help your students all the time – you don’t think you might need to talk to someone?!  What are you so scared of?  Why are you so stubborn?!”

I miss you, D.W.  You were right; you were always right about me.  In the way the Christians never had the guts to be.  You got in my face, you yelled; you turned bright red.  And you loved me.  Enough to call me out on my bullshit.

That’s what I loved about you.

Oh, you didn’t love me unconditionally.  You didn’t love me unfalteringly, as the followers of Jesus do who are in my life – the ones committed to work out conflict, misunderstandings, pain – you ended up leaving – something about a girl, something about us being too close and making her uncomfortable.  So you walked away and I lost the only older brother I ever had.  But you did love me, for a season.  Enough to not pander to me in that time.  And you knew just how to deliver what I didn’t want to hear.  Because you also admired and adored me.  And so I felt safe with you.  Safe hearing that I was an idiot.  Because I knew you respected me.

And it’s that part of you, that part of us, that I miss.

I wish I could tell you you were right.

I wish I could tell you how much I enjoy counseling.  How helpful it is.  How week after week, I have to deal with my pride, and my issues and my brokenness.

I wish I could say thank you.

But I can’t.

So…I write about it here.

I thank God.

And I do the hard work of coming to grips with reality and pursuing truth and becoming whole.

One day at a time.

random

Grocery shopped around 11 a.m…walked to the store and back with my friends.  I love city life – we walk everywhere.  And I especially love Pittsburgh – the houses, the streets, the layout, etc.

–

My last day here; I have an appointment tomorrow morning back in Detroit or I would stay longer – so sad I cannot.  My hosts were originally going to be out of town but then their trip fell through so they invited me to stay longer.  Really wishing I could.

–

I finished “The Alchemist’s Daughter.”  I picked it up on a sidewalk table last week – bought four used books because I wanted to support the couple selling them on the side of the road.  I had heard the title of this book before; it was good historical fiction – decent I should say.  A bit depressing.  And not very believable but unbelievable in the way you’d idealistically like things to play out, so you find yourself making allowances.  I usually feel this way about heroines who are uncannily out of place in their world – strong, independent women with a 21st century mindset set placed in a 19th century setting.  It just doesn’t always rest well with me.  Anyway, I loved the process of reading a novel from start to finish this week – I cannot remember the last time I had or took the time to do that, so that was thoroughly satisfying. :)

–

August and September are two of the busiest months of the year for me regarding work, so I’m trying to compartmentalize and completely unwind during my vacation/off time because the hectic, crazy schedule is fast approaching.  When I think about all that needs to get done from here until the first week of September  when the students come back to school, I get overwhelmed, but somehow, I manage to do it each year, so I’m trusting God this year will be the same.

Because my campus is a commuter campus, I do ministry throughout the summer so I don’t get the summers “off” like a lot of other staff, so it just makes for a full schedule – trying to get prep work, funding work and regular campus work done on the “off” months.  Always makes for a busy schedule. :)

Anyway.

–

My girlfriend and I are packing in a lot today before I leave for home.  I’m hoping to get home before 1 a.m. since I have a morning appointment tomorrow.  Squeezing out every last second here that I can before I return. ;)

space

Road trip to Youngstown

NPR

Skim cappuccino

Dinner with Katie

Late night chats

Homemade blueberry pancakes

Early morning road trip to Pittsburgh

Homemade Japanese lunch with friends

Walk to coffee shop, burnt almond tort, new friend

Thai dinner outside, gorgeous summer evening

Tart frozen yogurt with blackberries, mango and strawberries

Sleeping in

Reading

Morning chat with girlfriend

About life.messiness.brokenness.healing

Work

Lazy afternoon

Quiet

Hot tub

Shower

Coffee

Bailey’s hazelnut creamer

The Alchemist’s Daughter

Watching “So You Think You Can Dance”

Late night pizza, whiskey sour

Frozen yogurt

Walk around town

Early morning wake up

Jeremiah 17: 5 – 9

Coffee

Quiet

Finish The Alchemist’s Daughter

SVU

Hot tub

Shower

Reflection.

–

It’s been a good week of vacation.  Very thankful for this time to rest, relax, reflect and read.

Andrea and Jason, who are working this week, keep asking me if I want to go out and explore the city while they’re working.  No.  I don’t, really.  I like exploring new places with a friend and enjoy going out with them at night after their workday is over, but when it comes down to it, my ideal vacation/rest is a quiet house, by myself, various books and Scripture, a little bit of writing, a little bit of coffee, and solitude.  Give me those things, and I am satisfied.  Beyond satisfied.

So thankful for this week.  Sad to see it be almost over.  Turns out I could have extended my stay by a day or two but I scheduled an appointment for Saturday morning, so I need to be back by then.   I’ll stay as long as I can tomorrow before I make the road trip back home.

venting

Oh, today has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster – highs and lows.  And then my printer stopped working and I think I might need to get a new one.  Sigh.

I’m frustrated because I have a lot to work on and having to deal with this isn’t helpful but if it’s going to stop working, it’s good it chose the summer.  I’m prepping myself emotionally but assuming I have to buy an entire new one.  When I sprained my ankle, I took out the printer cord – it was still working but today I joggled it a bit and it stopped working and working on it for 2 hours hasn’t restored the connectivity to the computer.  So…I’m at a loss and going to call it a day with regard to trying to make it work; my stress level was just sky-rocketing…I could feel the stress coarsing through my body.

I assume technicians don’t have that kind of physical response – or they are taking years off their life by their daily job stress.  Ugh.

I’ve gotten a lot done on other fronts.

And it’s a quiet Friday evening at home – my favorite kind of night.  I’ll probably work for a bit more then call it a night and watch a show or something.

Tomorrow is a family party – my sister is moving to Boston and is throwing a party before she heads east…another sister is in Spain and will be moving to Texas.  My family is scattering.

Right now…I just want to scream that my printer had to croak because I tripped over the cord and jacked the USB connection; what a lame way to end it’s functionality.  When I have a more clear head, I’ll think of alternative solutions to fix it; last time I looked into getting a printer worked on, I had trouble finding anyone willing to for a worthwhile price.  And I tried every troubleshooter idea I could find, so yeah. Blah.   At least in my crazy accident, I only twisted/sprained my foot and blacked out for a short amount of time; if I lose a 300 dollar printer/copier, then so be it.  I still have my health.  But goodness, how crazy!

ramblings, version 900

I am physically exhausted from my sobbing, er…”crying” today…and have a headache as a result.  I think I might wimp out and take some pain killers so I don’t have to deal with it.

–

I am skipping hanging with my students tonight.  I’m on a roll work-wise and really don’t want to get derailed. I’m torn but considering my frame of mind, I don’t know that I really will be able to be what they want/expect, and since my presence isn’t needed tonight, I think I’ll just keep working on stuff around here.

The truth of it is: I don’t want to talk about it, and some students will know I’m having a rough day, so I’d rather just avoid those conversations.  And I can feel good ethically about that because I have a ton of work to do.  Justification at its finest.

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We’ve been nailed here the past few days with a heat wave – I’ve stayed inside, in my air-conditioned cave, wearing as little as I can while still being modest around my brother.  I haven’t had much motivation for a shower – gone the longest I can remember without one…the men’s deodorant I use is amazing, lol.  Never put it to the test until this week.  Good to know. ;)  Tonight, a shower is on the list of things to do.

I’ve had a really hard few days emotionally…pushing through, because, well, there simply is no other option.

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I just consolidated about ten lists…hopefully that’ll help in the next few days as I tackle things on my to-do list.

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I wish I could live my life in lyric quotes…if I could, I would post 900 lyrics a day to describe what I feel or am thinking.

But that could get a little annoying to others.  And be slightly counter-productive.

–

“Here I am, saying ‘I need You, I know I need You.’” – Building 429

beauty

excuse me, too busy… you’re writing your tragedy

these mishaps

you bubble wrap

when you’ve no idea what you’re like

so let go, so let go…jump in

oh well, whatcha waiting for

it’s alright

’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

so let go, yeah, let go, just get in

- frou frou

emotional beings

I’ve cried more tears today than I can remember crying in a long time.
It feels good to get it out; a little unexpected, and the timing could be better, but cathartic nonetheless.