little did i know

Little did I know
That I almost let you go
Until I caught a glimpse of life
without you

Little did I know
How deep these roots had grown
Until I felt the earth quake here
without you

And this ache is gonna break me love
Until you come back home
Right or wrong
There is no home without you

And these eyes are never gonna dry
I never knew how I could cry
Until I thought I’d really lost you

Little did I know that I almost let you go
Until I caught a glimpse of life
without you
-Over the Rhine

responsibilty

Responsibility.

Sometimes I just don’t want to face it.

I don’t want to make life-changing decisions.  Because then I’m responsible for them.  And I have to own them.  I cannot cast responsibility off to someone else.

And so I freeze. Because the task seems so daunting.

Because I don’t want to screw up.

Because I don’t want to be the one to make the decision.

I don’t want the buck to stop here.

I don’t want to upset the status quo because I’ve become comfortable.  Because it is familiar.  Because I don’ t know what the wilderness holds.

Preparing a teaching on some leadership principles.  Looking at Exodus 18: 13 – 26…making me think of Moses.  And his time in the wilderness.  And how following God does not mean safety.  Doe snot mean we have things tied up in neat little packages and bows.  Does not mean…the ordinary.  Sometimes it means forging new ground, trusting in God, going where we would rather not, leaving behind the comforts of home.  Even if the comforts mean slavery, as they did for the Israelites longing to go back to Egypt even though they were being led out of captivity into freedom and the promised land.

Am I desiring to cling to comforts because of the unknown?  And the fear of all that it will require and the faith that it requires?  Am I stubbornly wanting to cling to captivity when God is promising me freedom and abundance, simply because I don’ t know if I trust in His goodness or faithfulness?

Many years ago, I decided I did not want to be a normal “Christian” – that I was going to follow God wherever He led me and not choose a life of perceived ease, but rather, I was going to radically follow Him no matter what the cost.  No matter where that would lead me.

On the verge of yet another wilderness, I find my resolve faltering.  And yet, I’ve been here before; I’ll be here again if I continue to follow God.

Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.

** For those wondering what on earth I’m talking about – I realize this blog is primarily my electronic pad of paper to pen my thoughts and work out my life, and I don’t always explain what my vague ramblings are about…but…my impending wilderness are decisions that will be life altering.  So many of our decisions are, I realize that, ones that we don’t even realize we’re making, and yet some are clearly life altaring…and the decision begs the questions of just what the implications will be.

So many decisions.

Adulthood.

Not an easy walk in the park.

Cliche-ridden, my heart asks God, what do you have for me?

At least I know from experience and from revelation, He will never leave me nor forsake me.

And that brings me comfort.

I think of friends who have moved to new cities.  Or moved to another country.  Or my sister who took off for another country for a year.  I admire their courage.  Their hope.  Their bravery.  Or maybe their naivete.  Maybe their idealistic dreams.  Maybe their wits-end decisions.  Whatever they might be.

I want to be like them one day.

Or do I?

 

 

coffee-less lass

Starting week four without coffee.  From three year barista to this…who would have thought?

I no longer have mid-day crashes – at all.  It’s wonderful.  My energy level is so much higher.  It’s crazy.

And I don’t crave it.  Yet.

Phil says just wait and enjoy it while I can – that I’ll go back.  Perhaps, but right now, I’m enjoying this new season of tea-only.

When we went up to the cabin a couple of weeks ago with a bunch of friends I was only two weeks off it and as we were unpacking after midnight after a long drive up to the bay…I was unsettled to see him pull out his espresso machine. We’re out in the middle of nowhere, bringing up the basics and he brought up his espresso machine (I loved him in that moment, through my personal dismay, haha).  I wasn’t sure I could make it through the weekend without caving – he makes the best espresso drinks – I love nothing more than going to his home and having him make me a cappuccino and nibbling on dark chocolate while we visit.  BUT I made it!   He made everyone else amazing drinks on Saturday evening before we went out for a campfire on the beach of Lake Huron…(and a cappuccino-esque cocoa for me since I love the froth of a cap so much) and I made it through. :) :) :)

I just feel a little like I’m living in the Twilight zone…loving coffee was so much part of my identity…but that’s partly why I decided to let it go.

At least for a season. :)

 

 

two worlds…

I randomly stumbled upon the blog of someone who is two years older than I am, with three children, living the life my parents lived…down to raising the very same breed of chickens we used to raise.  It was surreal to read of a life I only hazily remember through the fog of time and grief…a simple life, one of organic gardening and making pumpkin butter, of cooking from scratch, of art and piano and sewing and nature walks; of reading out loud, of being around the fire as a family, of family dinners and laughter and joy.  Of homemade bread, of cakes and pies, of canning and quilting.  Of the art of simplicity; of the art of family.  So lost in today’s society; so forgotten; so beloved from my past.

To read of that life was just a jolt; I felt I was reading of myself, a self I could have been had I taken a different path ten years ago; a path I intended to take; and now, here I am, so far removed from that life…I’m not even sure I fully want it.  I don’t know.  It has it’s charms and benefits…but I’d want to synthesize the two.  I want to be a part of culture – of culture making, of people and cities and life and brokenness, of love and relationships, or art galleries and music…I also appreciate the simpleness of the homestead, of the organic, of the natural, of raising a family and investing in them; of doing things by scratch, not buying into the frenzied pace of most Americans, or at least most Northerners…

Is it possible to synthesize the two?  I hope so.  I don’t want to be so cut off from culture and reality that I have no influence or place in society at large – with people who don’t believe what I believe, look like I do, or live like I do.  At the same time, I do want a more simple life, a family life, one that includes reading aloud, family dinners, and homemade pumpkin butter.

Can one have both worlds?

A lot of Christians choose the more simple “homestead” lifestyle to get away from those who don’t believe as they do, to protect their children, to shield them.  I don’t want that.  I want the lifestyle but not the philosophy or implications that we should “shelter” our children.  I want any family I may have to be vibrant, relevant, have something to say and contribute to the larger world around them; not be so cut off from the mainstream that they become irrelevant, unable to be friends with pagans and atheists, with those who don’t believe as they do.   I want my children to be world-savvy, wise as serpents, innocent as doves…to have many friends, to love Jesus first and foremost and to love their neighbor, second…no matter who that neighbor is.  Is that too much to ask for?

work.seasons.life

My job is one I adore; it is taxing, it is demanding and it is fabulous.  When I think of how much I’ve grown the past two years on staff, all that I’ve been exposed to, the ways I’ve been developed and had a chance to grow professionally and personally…it makes me sad to ever think about leaving this job.  Wondering if I’ll ever have another place in life where I am so challenged but I also get to exercise the best of my gifts and talents through the work I do.

I’m really thankful for such a rich experience in this season.  Who knows how long the season will last – a few years, a lifetime, but however long, I’m incredibly thankful for it.

men

S. called this afternoon.  “Hi, I just miss you.”

I love uncomplicated male friendships.

Sometimes, in some of the crowds I run with, everything is so “sexed” because all the Christians are virgins that it just convolutes male/female friendships.  So it’s just so nice when that added layer of confusion or complication is just not there and we’re able to just enjoy each other’s femininity or masculinity without the tension of the male/female dichotomy being present.

It’s just really nice.

still processing…

I’m twenty-seven, not too old, not too young…but old enough to have experienced some life.

I think about D.  And the friendship we used to have.  The ways in which I am trying to deal with a friend betraying the friendship and walking away for the sake of a girl.  I never foresaw experiencing this kind of pain when I was young.  Life was full of possibilities and hope.  I hadn’t tasted the bitter wine of life; of sin; of brokenness in relationships.

What hurts the most is that from both of our perspectives I did nothing wrong.  I was simply too good of a friend.  I think it would somehow ease the pain if I had done something wrong to merit the decision to break off fellowship with me, but as I didn’t, it just feels and is so unfair.

I’ve had other friendships break off but I’ve been able to see where I was either wrong or did things that weren’t helpful and so at least it makes logical sense; I may not like the outcome, but at least I “get” it.  Here, a year later, I still don’t “get” it.   There is nothing to ease the pain of being rejected, of having someone walk away from you.

Time does help.  It doesn’t hurt as much; and I can remember the memories fondly overall without feeling a deep sorrow but I still miss him and his friendship.  And I still feel as if something is missing from my life. And it feels like a pretty hopeless situation.  And I just have to live with that.

I remember my now boss who was then just a friend saying sometimes we ask for forgiveness and have to live with not being forgiven.  When she told me that, I remember not really understanding the gravity of that situation.  Of being so utterly not in control and having to reconcile ourselves to not receiving forgiveness and someone continuing to live and be okay with that and having peace despite something feeling so open and there being no closure…but I get it now.  On a lot of different levels.

This is not something I can fix; this is something I have to be okay with.  I just have to accept it and let God heal the hurt I feel and deal with the injustice of the whole situation.
Maybe one day there will be healing and restoration; maybe there won’t.

Either way, whatever time God gave me was a gift, and He gives and He takes away; blessed be His name.

growing in self-awareness

Living with my brother has been an adventure; mostly because I have learned so much about myself through learning about him.  Things that I thought were “Christy” traits I am realizing are more “family” traits…and his commentary about my life is quite insightful.  We come from the same stock, the same parents, though I had the benefit of my father for much longer than he did, and I wasn’t thrust into being the man of the house at age eleven like he was…so while we share some commonalities of upbringing, our pasts are also vastly different.  I think what amazes me is how similar we are.

We’re both INFPs…which means we’re extremely relational and tend to be messy, in a nutshell. ;)  I think I have a bit more of a first born drive than he does, which affects our personalities pretty drastically, but at the same time, the ways in which we’re similar just make me smile.

He’s joined the student group I staff.  That’s been…informing. ;p  The first night, my students (who are now his peers) pumped him for information about his older sis, their staffworker.  He betrayed me readily…giving them some good blackmail information, much to my chagrin. ;p  But as they’ve gotten to know him, they’ve made some insightful qualities about “family” traits…so it’s just been a fun couple of months learning to see myself through my brother’s eyes and also learning to see myself through the lens of how people see our “family” in general.

My brother has pointed out how similar I am to my father.  Things that I either forgot about or that weren’t in the forefront of my mind.  It’s been a little unnerving to realize just how much offspring are like their parents…I’m seeing more and more of my mother in me, and now…apparently, my father, too.  How much control do we really have over personality and how much is genetically pre-determined or socially influenced through parenting?  Age – old questions, sure, but ones I’m pondering.  Of course I believe in free will and do not believe we’re relegated to repeat behaviors or patterns of our parents but the tendency to follow in their footsteps…the ways in which we’re inclined…our heritage and parentage really do have something to say about that.  Both the good and the bad.

I’ve also found that living with my brother brings out the worst in me.  I’ve had various roommates over the last four years or so.  I’m a pretty decent roommate – patient, kind, loving, or so I like to think.  But when you’re living with flesh and blood, the filter is gone.  I still like to think that I’m patient, kind and loving, but the temptation to lose my temper or say something I would normally never say to someone else, even a best friend, is so much stronger when you’re living with blood relatives.  It’s crazy to me.  My brother and I were practically strangers only because I’ve been living about an hour from home for about five years now and before that, I was in college…so I would have thought I’d exercise the same restraint and patience that I do with normal roommates, but nope. ;p  A friend said that is because we have so much higher expectations for blood relatives.  I suppose that is true; I suppose I do expect more from him because I know how he was raised, etc.  But it is curious to me.  I feel like I’m seeing more of the real “Christy” than I have in a long time – not that I wasn’t being real these past four years…but I was more filtered…and when roommates would do something that would irritate me, I’d have a calm conversation with them, ask them why, etc…whereas with my brother, I usually skip all of that pretense and so he really gets the unfiltered, base Christy.

We’ve only had one fight in the two months – he pulled my laundry out halfway and dumped it on top of the dryer so he could do his laundry.  While I was home.  Instead of asking me for a laundry basket or asking if it was okay.  Because the dryer was dirty and thus my damp clothes got dirty as a result, I got extremely upset at his inconsiderateness and let him know that was rude behavior .  I doubt he’ll do that again.  Had it been anyone other than my brother (or a family member) I probably would have fumed inwardly, decided it wasn’t worth having a fight and just dealt with it and tried to move on.  But because it was a family member, I felt much more comfortable confronting him.

It makes me nervous to think about ever having children.  I’m a decently calm, sweet, patient person now; but I’m single, I pretty much live the life I want, I get the sleep I need…I can only imagine how my true nature will come out when I have kids…and am sleep deprived and not getting the care I necessarily need…I better continue to work on my character so that if that time comes, I have grown in maturity and patience and grace.

reality

I’m sitting in a Catholic retreat center…in the room I normally take when I come here once a month.  The iconoclastic nature of Catholic places…took me a while to get used to, being Protestant born and raised.   There is a red tree outside my room…I’m in the middle of a wooded lot…so the Fall colors in all their glory are able to be viewed right outside my window.  I’m buried under some blankets I found in the closet.   I’ve been here since this morning – almost four hours.  I am serene and peaceful.  I’ve journaled a bit about what is on my heart this week…this month…got a lot of it out “on paper” – took an hour nap – made some tea, and read a lot of Genesis.  Crazy stories…I love reading Genesis.  It reminds me of when Dad would read aloud to us every morning Scripture – we’d go from Genesis to Revelation every year and then start all over again.  Stories of intrigue and God’s faithfulness…much went over my head when I was young but as I matured, I started to understand more…

I miss those mornings; Mom and Dad would call a family meeting…we’d all gathering in the living room and before Dad left for work, we’d sing a few hymns or worship songs and then we’d listen to Dad read aloud the Bible; sometimes Mom did it, sometimes as the eldest child, I had the privilege of reading aloud.  We spent a half an hour together every morning.  And then Dad would dash off to his business doctor’s practice and we kids would do breakfast dishes and then get back to our schoolwork or housework.  I took for granted those mornings.  Although Mom was the one to initially encourage those family “devotion” times…once Dad passed away, the tradition stopped.  The grief was too much, we were just trying to function, etc.

When I think back upon my life and think back to the rich heritage Mom and Dad gave me, I am extremely grateful.  They really invested in us in so many ways, but especially spiritually. Oh, to hear Dad read aloud Genesis again…to be so young, so innocent, to be a family unit again.

After Dad’s passing…we tried to keep a semblance of the unit we once were…but I was the first to go to college and thus my schedule started conflicting with the family’s schedule.  In the last ten years…as sibling after sibling has come into adulthood and gotten jobs and gone to college, etc…and as younger siblings have transitioned from being homeschooled to being in public school, with all the differing schedules that demands, it is rare that we’re ever together in one room.  I think it’s been a few years.  Last Christmas, one sister was in Spain.  Other holidays the other sister is working in a medical facility, covering shifts.  I imagine as the marriages come and as people move out of state or out of country, being together as a family will become a faint memory of a life lived long ago.  Even now…it’s been eight years…and sometimes I hardly remember what it was like to be unified. To be together. To experience that love and community.

I think I knew intellectually that time of life wouldn’t last – even if Dad had not passed away, we would grow up and things would change…but even though I knew it, I didn’t want to believe it.  I wanted to live in the moment of security and love forever.

wild world

“Oh baby, baby, it’s a wild world…it’s hard to get by just upon a smile…” – Cat Stevens

falling

Falling for you, I keep falling for you…

-Shaded Red

life

Pulling my life back together today.  Putting things back in order, preparing for a crazy work week.  It was to be a busy week as it was – I have a speaking engagement.  Still have to write the talk.  Plus catch up from last week.  Fun times. ;p

–

Trying not to be overwhelmed.  My brother is going to make us dinner tonight.  Yay.  Real food.  And wants to introduce me to Arrested Development.

Still trying to rest today before tomorrow comes.

–

So thankful to be on the physical mend.

–

Gathered all my music since highschool together – enjoying listening to it again after about a year off due to computer issues. :)  Good times. :)

welcome to delaware

new places, new times, old promise.

Well it’s bitter cold December,
and the leaves have fallen true
And I do believe I’m still in love with You
Yeah, my scenery keeps changing
and sometimes it’s hard to view
But You’ve let me see so much since I’ve known You
But I headed to where it seemed like nowhere
You told me You’d come
You told me You’d meet me here

You were here to say,
“Welcome to Delaware,

I know you’ve traveled far,
And it’s a lot colder here than what you’re used to,
And I know, that in the winter time,
things aren’t what they used to be
So all you really have here now, is Me…”

So I’ve settled here, and that is that
For You to show me who I am
You had to take me to a place I’d never been
And all the things I dreaded most
About the things unseen…
Have now become the sweetest part of me!
And though I headed to where it seemed like nowhere
I knew You would come,
I knew You would meet me here…

You were here to say,
“Welcome to Delaware,

I know you’ve traveled far,
And it’s a lot colder here than what you’re used to,
And I know, that in the winter time,

things aren’t what they used to be
So all you really have here now, is Me…”

-Watermark

taking time out, under duress…and the perspective it brings

I cannot remember the last time I’ve had the real flu…the knock out, no holds barred 7 – 10 day flu.

It visited me Sunday morning, while I was away on a weekend jaunt to the State’s capital; a bunch of friends decided to go to Oktoberfest; we stayed over at a bed and breakfast and I woke up that morning  with a raging sore throat.  I was flabbergasted, having no prior inkling I was coming down with anything until said sore throat.  Anyway, I didn’t realize it was the flu until later in the day.  As is typical, I went down fast and was in bed by that evening, 8 p.m.   Other than what was absolutely necessary to get things covered and taken care of, I haven’t worked all week.  It’s not like me to use vacation time for sick time, so you know I’ve been really ill.

It’s been humiliating and frustrating.  I hate not being in control.  It’s always a good God-check for me.  I woke up that Sunday morning and told friends I had a sore throat and that I was mad at God.  One of them said “Well, at least you’re honest.”  I was mad because I’ve been doing everything possible to be as healthy as possible and I had just gotten through a cold and so to come down with the flu was just…maddening.

While my temper tantrum with God lasted only a short while, the overall feeling of depression and frustration of not being in control of my body has just made me have some interesting conversations with Him.  I couldn’t fake it; I couldn’t medicate it; I couldn’t push through it.  My body succumbed to the virus and that was it.

I think of my dad and others – people who through no fault of their own…are diagnosed with terminal cancer.  I’m not sure how Dad never ended up angry at God; he was sorely disappointed, but never angry.  I witnessed it; I watched it; I also had Mom’s testimony.  His response was never anger.

I get the flu and I’m angry.

So I’ve yo-yo ed all week from being thankful that I have health overall and the ability to fight this virus, to feeling the enormity of God and the smallness of me and of medicine…to being frustrated over not being able to work and get things done; to being frustrated with being dependent upon others…to being thankful it’s just the flu…

It’s been a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts.

Add to that I’m going through caffeine withdrawal, which adds a whole other layer of depression and emotions…it’s been a fun week. ;)

I’ve experienced the worst of the flu; this wasn’t a light case.   This is the first time I’ve had no desire for coffee in my memory.  I’m going to run with it and try an experiment and see what happens.  My mother and others will be thrilled.  Mother’s into raw foods lately.  And has also given up coffee.

Anyway.

So…I feel like today I’m starting to come out of this twilight zone week.

It was homecoming this week for the students; I wasn’t able to see my students attend but it excited me.  Basically…from all reports, it was the “Christian” student org who was the life of the party and got the party started.  It made me proud of my students.   Too often Christian student orgs stay to themselves or shun normal school functions and my students have broken from that pattern, and it just makes me very happy.  :)

Strange what makes one happy. ;p Sometimes it’s the smallest of things.  When I first came into this group nine years ago, the motto of the students seemed to be “We’re Christians, let’s stay huddled together on this secular university’s campus and be friends with each other” and I wanted none of that – was pretty sure Jesus wouldn’t have wanted that either, so I refused to get involved with the org.  I used to say I hated it.  A bit ironic  as I  work for the same org. now as a professional. ;p  God does have quite the sense of humor.  Anyway, the group of students now is so vastly different from the group of students then…even from the group of students two years ago, that it makes me proud to see them.  They’re now just normal, hanging out with anyone, regardless of belief or creed, ethnicity or background…and they live out their faith in Jesus naturally as they live life…the group is the most multiethnic group on campus – it’s taken a lot of hard work to get here, but it makes me smile.  Certain things that seemed almost impossible have happened.

God is good.

Anyway.

So, my student leaders make me proud; I was totally out of commission this week and I wasn’t stressed about that aspect – I trust them all so much and knew they’d handle everything well.  It’s awesome to have such a mature team of student leaders.

Anyway, I ramble.  But I’m starting to regain strength.  I had all these grandiose plans of bouncing back quickly and not having to take sick time; then it was I’d pull long days this weekend and make up time; but I’m just realizing that nope, I’m human and I don’t have it in me to push for no reason…what will get done will get done and what cannot just won’t.  So instead of frantically trying to jump back into work today fully, I’ve just been doing some light work and mostly have just been enjoying college football from the comforts of my couch.

It’s been a lovely, restful afternoon.

And who knows, tomorrow I might have enough energy to start in on some housework.  I’m looking forward to being well. :)

satisfaction

A week ago, I decided to work on becoming more healthy and have my decision to get serious about getting back into shape this Fall include being more intentional about what I eat as well.  So I started a week ago.

Tonight, while sitting in the midst of the student union, waiting for a student, a close friend came up to me and out of the blue he asked me if I had lost weight.  *grin*  Good moment.  It’s good to have hard work pay off.  And only after a week – that’s encouraging.

It takes so much more time to be really intentional about what you put into your body – time that I find hard to find with the work life I lead but am determined to find. ;p

I have a goal of being the healthiest I’ve ever been in my thirties, so I have a couple of years to achieve that.

Anyway, it was fun to have a friend notice without knowing my newfound commitment.   Yay.

being understood

“That’s living in community, right?”

A friend asked that…

I live in community; I didn’t exactly intend to.  Logically I knew I would be but I didn’t…think it through to realize that is what I was choosing to do.  My landlords are renting to me at basically half price; they have a darling duplex from the 1920’s – I’m in the upper flat.  As such, I heard half off, knew I needed to find something cheap in a neighborhood where you only get in by word of mouth…and it was close to where I work, etc.  In essence, it was perfect.  I figured it was better than apartment living.  I took some “hits” because the benefits outweighed.

So I’ve been in this process of living in community now since June…and still trying to figure it out; thankfully we have separate living quarters and I can go days without seeing my landlords…but whenever I walk down my stairs (I have private entrance but my stairs are off their kitchen), if they were there, which because they are retired, they generally are, they start a conversation with me.  I’m used to being in my own head, running around, so I’ve had to try to adjust to schedule in more “drive time” to include visiting time when I’m trying to go anywhere.  We live such different paces of life.  It’s good for me, though, to be reminded of a slower, more simple way of living in the midst of meetings and such.

Then my new neighbors across the street are starting-out pastors – the wife is a stay at home mom, the husband just started with a new church.  So the wife invites me to a lot.  The latest was to help babysit little kids.  In the middle of a work day.

I think most people have no idea what I do, even though I try to explain it.  Sometimes I think they must think I twiddle my thumbs, not realizing how busy and packed my weeks are or can be.   I had to graciously turn down babysitting opportunities.  But it made me laugh.

Students sort of grasp what I do; mostly, though, only other employees “get” it because only they know the ins and outs of our days…all the nuances, details, hours and time and work involved.

Students will see me haivng back to back meetings and they say “Oh, we don’t have to meet – I’ve seen you, you’ve been in meetings for hours” and I think to myself “Um, this is my job” but I just smile and tell them I’m fine and quite up for meeting.  Even the students I work with don’t fully understand my job or what it entails.  Haha.

It can be “lonely” in that sense.

The other week, I met a couple; the wife’s best friend does what I do in another state.  It was sooooooooooooo refreshing to be understood and “known.”  And now that a few of my closest friends are volunteering one night a week, I feel like they at least see a “slice” of my work life and “get” it a little more.  One told me that she’s so exhausted after hanging out with the students once a week.  I just smiled and sweetly asked if she understood now a little bit better why I’m more “introverted” now that I’m on staff.  She said she understands much better.  And I think “and that’s only five hours of my 40 – 50 hour weeks that you’re seeing”.

Life. :)

just dance

Lady Gaga just came on; I didn’t even know she existed until a few months ago; I manage to stay in various caves quite readily. ;)  Anyway, the music reminds me of a dance party with Lauren a few weeks ago.  I was determined to not listen to the music…but as friends love her, I cannot escape the music.

The music makes you just want to get up and dance.  Perfect for a night of cleaning.

different facets

I’m learning a lot about myself since living with my brother; I’m eight years older.  We’re both the eldest of our respective genders.  This is the first time we’ve lived together since we’re adults.  I left home about five years ago and before that, for about four years, wasn’t around much because of college.

Needless to say, I’m getting to know him again as an adult in more than the occasional visit.

My students and friends are busy making observations…and I’m learning what are family traits.

I’m known for bursting into random, crazy song…friends and ex-roomies get a kick out of it.  My brother said my propensity to burst out into random song is weird/strange/crazy/lovable and definitely different.  It’s just normal for me – I always make up songs to go with whatever I’m doing or just as a totally random thing.

Well…turns out it’s not just a Christy thing.  It’s a family thing.  He also bursts into random song quite often.  Except he sings actual songs… ;p

I also had friends and students both point out to me that the barefoot thing is a family thing.  Apparently my brother also doesn’t like to wear shoes.  ;p

It’ll be interesting to see what else I discover about myself as we continue on this journey of being housemates.

like dad…

Me: I don’t like to watch movies with romantic scenes with others in general.

My brother: You’re like Dad.

Me: Dad was like that?

My brother: Yeah, he’d fast-forward through those parts.

Me: Oh, I forgot about that.  You’re right.

My brother: You’re a lot like Dad.  With the movies… You’re a hard worker…  You like to read…

Me: I forgot how much Dad loved to read.

My brother: Yeah, he was always reading by himself; he read a ton.

–

I miss my father.

Reading Calvin & Hobbes tonight; Dad introduced me to Waterson’s work.  Never tire of the comics…

I miss him so much.  Soon it’ll be a decade.  I was told I’ll never stop missing him.  They weren’t kidding.

tell me

Tell me how you’ve been

Tell me what you see.

Tell me that you’d like to see me, too.

- Norah Jones

digital memory

So a few weeks ago, about sixty college students showed up for cosmic bowling; as the staff worker, I was also there…it was a long night after a long week.  The idea is to wear white (because with the strobe lights, you glow) and while bowling, to write on each other’s shirts…the students of course also wrote on mine.

Tonight, as I was cleaning my room after a long month (hah), I came across the shirt and read what they wrote.  The night I came home, I just took it off and threw it into a heap on the floor, too tired at 2 a.m. to read the comments.

(Note: I work for a Christian organization, which meant that the students tried to keep my shirt “P.G.”   They kept coming up to me, standing with a marker in hand, saying “Oh, I can’t write that…” walk away and then come back to write something else.  It was quite amusing to watch them.)

My 2009 Cosmic Bowling t-shirt comments, courtesy of the students…

Mmm Coffee! Good for the soul.

Press here (written above my butt – still don’t know which student did that ;p)

A plethora of quotes to encourage the world.

IV for Life!!

I believe in the kingdom come when all the colors will bleed into One

Shepherd Pa——–n!! Would you like some Koolaid??

Curly heads rule!

If you’re sexy and you know it, clap your hands!! ;p

Ivan was here.

Chocolate is best; in more ways than one.

I believe diversity is an old wooden ship.

Feet are super gross; no foot rub for you. ;p

Coffee makes me a whole person! (then someone added “plus Jesus”)

Coffee addict

I drown kittens.

My firstborn will be named Kefir.

Holler.

Hair like this could rule the world!

The Queen of IV.

Dark is best.

Daytime T.V. anyone??

Feel free to write on my front (unless you’re a boy).

Then…arrow pointing to the above saying “What if I want to?”

love

My job is amazing; I also make a lot of sacrifices.  Financially and time wise.  They compensate us greatly – we get four weeks off because we work a lot of nights and weekends, and such…so no complaints…just…a bit of a sadness.  I’m a Fall girl…I love autumn.  I also grew up taking a week’s vacation sometime during the Fall with my family…so…it’s just hard to not be able to take time.  I’m relegated to the school schedule…which means, vacation time comes during the summer months, when I least want to take vacation. ;) I’d love to take vacation in Spring or Fall.  (However, I’m thankful for vacation. :)

–

Friends are going to New York in October.  I asked my boss about time off in October – it’s a no-go unless it’s a wedding.  A friend offered to get married so I could go. ;p  So I’m foregoing a four day weekend trip to NY as a result and am pretty sad about it.  I love the Fall; I’d love to see the City in the Fall.  I’d love to spend time with these friends.

Oh well.

This won’t be the case for forever.  Assuming my role or job changes down the line.

Anyway.

I think that’s one of the hardest things about living in an amazing seasonal state with four seasons…that…I completely miss September, working like crazy – I always feel like I go from August to October…that I literally blink and September is gone.  September used to be one of my favorite months.  Now, I barely am conscious that it’s here before it’s already gone.

Maybe if I get married, I can just plan babies to arrive every September so I have the Fall off for maternity leave. ;)  Must get creative here…

;p

–

Went to a party last night with friends.  I brought hummus and vegetarian kibbe.   We hung out, played a game, took photos, laughed, talked.  I love evenings with friends.

–

Taking care of household stuff today and some work related stuff.

Still healing from my cold and trying to catch up from last week.

A friend wanted to go the Cider Mill today but I needed to rest and try to get fully better.

–

I’m anxious to start another book.  I’ve finished the couple that I’ve been reading.  Received four new free ones in the mail last week; a couple look really good.

–

Off to find lunch.

rain

It’s a rainy Saturday morning – my kind of morning.  My brother didn’t come home last night, so I have the place to myself, which I love. :)  Not that he’s not great – he is…and he’s very easy to live with…but there’s still something nice in having the place entirely to yourself.

–

Living with my brother has been fabulous.  I have noticed I get “family” on him – whereas I might ask someone who wasn’t related to me but was my roommate something in one tone, I’ll ask him in an entirely different tone.  I don’t like that.  My friend P said it’s because we expect more out of family.  Perhaps that is true.  But since the last five years, my roommates have been non family members…to see the old tone of voice crop up (one a little less patient) is disturbing to me and a good reality check for me.

I know I’m definitely not a nag.  But I still want to make sure I’m keeping proper distance.  I have a good eight years on him and have learned a lot, and I don’t always have to share it. ;)  So I’m trying to learn how to be a good elder sister who is helpful and not in any way motherly.   My brother is 19; this is the first time he’s lived on his “own.”  He’s figuring out freedom and responsiblity and life.  I think I make it pretty easy for him (I’m not the one wanting to know where he is or what he’s doing or how he’s managing his time, etc…) but I’m still aware that I’m the elder sister.

Fun dance to try to figure out.

I’ve noticed the few things I’ve asked him to do around the house, he does.  Nice. :)

He’s been so kind towards me.

I’ve been sick this week and he went out one morning before work and got me “sick” food (juice, soup)…

Yesterday, after the flood, he never said a harsh or irritated word to me even though it was my fault and he helped me for an hour.

Afterwards, just feeling like a failure, feeling embarrassed and feeling just tired and sick, he came up to me, hugged me and kissed me on my forehead and said “Do you know how much I love you?  Do you have any idea?”

He’s a good brother.

I am blessed.

wisdom

I want to write but I need to sleep.

–

It’s been one crazy week, culminating in me flooding the 1920’s house I live in while my landlords are away for the weekend.

Joy.

More later on that. ;)  And other things.

Oh…and I was the main speaker for the students this week…smaller crowd – about sixty of them.  I was sick; I pulled together the talk the day of.  I got up to speak and got vertigo.  It was grand.  And the talk went well.

I’ve come to realize that I adore public speaking.  I am learning as the years go by my strengths, my weaknesses (like flooding homes…) and it is satisfying to realize you are actually good at something you highly enjoy.  The two are not always synthesized.   I’m learning more and more about myself, the way I tick, the way I work.  What I love.  What I need.  What I’m good at.  What I’m not.

And it’s an enjoyable journey.

–

There are blog comments I want to respond to. (Thank you.  I love comments.  Little interactions, day to day, week to week.)

–

A delicious non-September (i.e. non-crazy busy month) weekend coming up for me…lazy and productive in all the right ways and balances.

Enjoy. Life.

It moves so swiftly.

beauty in the breakdown

♫ so let go, oh let go; it’s alright, ’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown…- frou frou

God, I miss him.

–

Amazing how we repaint our past and remember only the good.

I cannot help but miss him.

I remember being in the theatre, watching a movie with this soundtrack, because the movie was similar to his life story and he wanted me to better understand him.

I hate the messiness of life, love, relationships. Of forgiveness.  Of letting people walk away from us.  Of having to be okay with that.  Of knowing life is unfair and screwed up and you’re left holding the bag, with a bleeding heart in hand.

I wish it was easier.

–

God is a god of hope and redemption.  I cling to hope.  That one day our relationship will be restored.

In the meantime, faint memories of years gone by continue to haunt me.

true identity

I should mention my identity is through Jesus, as God’s child, saved by grace.

I’m well aware of that being my identity, but I’m just wrestling with the secondary identities at the moment. ;)

identity – working out a lot of stuff…

I’ve been thinking a lot about identity as a woman.  As a woman who wants to be a wife and a mother one day.  Identity as a woman who absolutely loves her “career.”  Identity as a single woman.  Identity as a hypothetical married woman.  Identity through various stages of life.

–

I work for an organization that treats women phenomenally; I’ve never seen women treated so well, or with so much respect and honor.  My male colleagues, twice my senior, seasoned in their field, defer to me, look to me for input, and don’t coddle or humor me.  I am respected; and my thoughts, ideas and experiences are highly valued; I cannot say that for most Christian men I’ve encountered in life – they give lip service to respecting women but they undermine the very essence of womanhood by their actions and attitudes.  Many don’t know what to do with me.  I imagine there are many other woman who feel the same; I’m nothing special but when you’re a Christian and you don’t fit the “standard” mold or expectations of what a woman should be, it can feel pretty lonely and alienating.  There are exceptions of course and they are wonderful…and I know many of those exceptions, but in terms of the workplace…to experience this type of treatment, to not be marginalized or objectified, it’s a huge blessing and privilege.  It’s spoiled me; and it makes me pause when I think about the future, five, ten years out…what will life be like?  What if I choose to switch jobs?  What if I don’t?  What does that mean?

A lot of decisions to be made.  I’m glad to be making them in my later twenties…I feel as if I really know myself; of course I’m on a perpetual journey of self-realization…etc…but I know myself well…and am constantly processing…I cannot imagine making huge life decisions at a younger age, though I know I did; so many decisions, beginning in the early teen years so have ramifications and consequences for life…

Anyway.

I guess I’ve just really been processing who I am, what I want to do with my life, and what it looks like to consider motherhood in light of the work one does when one absolutely adores her job, is effective and is seeing fruit from her labors.

I see woman who are single and childless and I sometimes wonder if they regret not getting married.  I never thought I’d be processing these kinds of issues.

Lots to process.

Sometimes my brain is tired.

Sometimes I just want to be a child, without a perceived care in the world.

I don’t want the life most people have; I don’t want the life most women have; I need more; I want more.  I wouldn’t be a good partner or a good mother; I feel like many Christian women give up who God has created them to be, their interests, their passions at the expense of their husbands and families – what I mean is, they lose a part of themselves and thus are not fully the wives/partners and mothers they could be.

Even though I’m wrestling with these issues, I know I will love motherhood if God chooses to bless me with a child(ren).  I grew up longing to be a wife and a mother – I wanted to be a homemaker.   And yet, there is this whole other life I have…one that I adore and love, and I’m not sure how to synthesize the two in the future…it’s more of a question of how do I live out who I am and have outlets for my gifts, passions, creativity and intelligence when I’m also doing the hardest job out there: being a mother.  I know I won’t be able to do both job and motherhood 100%…and I don’t want to sacrifice the quality of mothering for my job; I, however, don’t want to give up the things that make me tick.  I wouldn’t be a good wife; I wouldn’t be a good mom.

Who would have thought I’d be wrestling with the motherhood verses “career” dance?  (I put career in quotes only because I work for a non-profit…so it’s not a standard job by any means.  I think if it was, it’d be much easier to walk away from.)

Friends I love and trust tell me it’s not such a simple dichotomy; I believe them intellectually; I wish I believed them emotionally.

thoughts

I am so sore.

I am now working with a trainer and today was our first session; she kicked my butt and I can tell I’m going to be feeling it for probably a few days. :)

Tonight officially ends the craziness of the back-to-school season for me.  Now I’ll just be back to my normal busy workdays…not insanely long hours.  I am so excited.  I can finally organize my room…and see friends more often.   It’s been a good start to the season but I’m ready to rest a bit.

I’m enjoying the couch tonight; I was out with the students but came home around 9 p.m.   I’m too tired to even put in a movie; I’ve just been enjoying 20/20.

–

This past week, a student I barely know came up to me while I was in a meeting with another student and gave me a huge box of chocolates; then not five minutes later, another one of my students came up and gave me an IZZY (a favorite drink).  I felt very loved. :)

–

I really adore my job.

I am blessed.

wow

I knew these two weeks would be busy, but wow. :)

15 hour days, day after day.

I spoke last week – was the keynote speaker and had an awesome time as usual.  The room was packed – about 65 college students crammed into a room made for about 40 – people were literally standing out in the hallway for over an hour to listen.  It was hot, sweltering and really cramped but I am just so thankful to God for the ways in which he works. :)  My talk went well, the powerpoint actually worked (the university has issues sometimes with their equipment working, haha) and we had tons of new students checking us out.  Afterwards, I treated all newcomers to Dairy Queen and then of course everyone migrated over to a local restaurant for their half off appetizers.  I was out with the students until midnight.

We passed out about 2000 water bottles the first two days of classs, along with tons of candy.

We have a picnic/org. fair coming up this week, the launch of all of our meetings ( 16 or 17 each week) – trying to get those off the ground and make sure everyone is set to go is a big job. :)  Thursday is a huge night for us – a national speaker is coming in.  Then capture the flag.  Then I’m sure hanging out again until midnight.

I’ve been cramming about 17 student leaders in my apartment because the university wasn’t open; we can move our meetings to campus now…I was pretty impressed with being able to fit them all in. :)

Life is good.

Work is busy.

I had student leaders over for meetings from 8 p.m. until midnight.  That’ll probably be normal for Monday evenings.

My brother is in the process of moving in; he’s here I would say half the week. :)

Things are coming together.

I love life.

I love my flat.

I love the students I work with.

And I’m just excited for this season.

Pushing ahead one day at a time. :)  In a few weeks, things will calm down and these long days on end won’t be quite as necessary. :)

Drinking coffee…preparing for my meetings later today and the rest of this week.

Enjoy today. :)

more

Now she’s playing Joni Mitchell…”A Case of You.”
I expect eternity to be in part like this…
sigh…so lovely.