dearth

When I’m going through something huge, my art usually stops.  Writing becomes too vulnerable; I’m obviously in that season.

And the strange thing is that I don’t miss it.  Intellectually I do on some level, but practically…I don’t.  I wonder if it’s because I often use writing as a release…and in most of areas of my life, I’m experiencing a “honeymoon” period and the one area in which I’m not, it’s too deep to write about currently?  So I have no basis to really write from in this season?  Or perhaps life is simply too full and I have let it crowd out my writing.

Strange.

Nothing I’m not accustomed to. Hopefully this season will pass, for at my core, I know I need to write.

My work life is beyond amazing right now.  And I’m deeply thankful for that. Perhaps that’s why I’m content to let the weeks go without writing; writing in all areas of my life, however, not just this blog, have dried up.  Wondering what that is about.  Need to parse that more.

Anyway, off to a superbowl party tonight.   I find that when I write most, it’s when I’m escaping something else…the thoughts are prone to come when I technically don’t have the “time.” Right now I should be getting ready.  But of course, I’m not. :)

plans

My summer is in flux; so many decisions to be made; I have two trips to two different continents planned at the moment; I may be only doing one, but either way, it’s going to be a busy summer, and the winter semester starts next Monday; I’m gearing up for a busy, busy season.

In the midst of so many decisions, I am so thankful that God determines my steps…I can rest in his sovereignty.  In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps. (Proverbs 16:9)

pain

I have a love/hate relationship with life.  Jesus was a man of many sorrows…following Him isn’t easy.  Loving as He’s called us to isn’t easy; you rip open your heart, and again and again, let it be abused.  All in the name of love; all in the name of forgiveness, redemption, hope, grace, mercy.  And if you’re His child and you’re His follower, you choose the hard road, again and again and again.

It’s been a year and a half he’s cut me out of his life; I still miss him, but not in the same way.  More a deep, pervading sorrow…one that only occasionally comes to the surface; my mother let me know he “unfriended” her the other night, as he did every other mutual friend we had.  I suppose some sort of deep cleaning to try to further remove traces of me in his life.

I wonder if he ever misses me or if he’s so focused right now on his new trajectory, that he’s managed to “forget.”  Either way, last night was another chapter, I suppose.  One more page turned.  And it just deeply pains me, as it does my mother; she cared for him and loved him because I did; she welcomed him into her life, bought him gifts, opened her heart to him; did nothing to deserve what he’s done in return.

And yet, that’s the story…of us and God – God has lavished love upon us, and we, in turn, turn our back and reject Him.  And Jesus came to die for us, even in that state…and so…He sets the example of how I should in turn respond when treated like this…

But it’s hard.

It’s painfully hard.

How do you keep your heart open and tender towards ones who have wounded you?  Scarred you?  Hurt you?

Only through the grace of Jesus – only through His help.

It’s not possible otherwise.

–

A girlfriend reminded me I’m not the one who has changed; I have remained the same, faithful friend.  It is he who has changed.

People change.

And that makes me so deeply sad.

This world is broken; the very fabric is rent; and we live with the brokenness and sin.

One day at a time, holding on until Jesus comes back and rights the wrong.

Tonight I saw that someone my age died three days ago; a friend of a friend.

And I am reminded tonight of my mortality.

Life.

Love.

Forgiveness.

Grace.

Pain.

Hope.

Hope for resurrection, because Jesus is Lord and is a God – the God – who resurrects and can bring complete healing to what lies in ashes right now.

space

I’m the wayward daughter, coming home to her father, just as the younger son came home to the Prodigal; I am so thankful God gave us that picture to understand his love and grace.

This song tonight almost brought tears; I was distraught; a friend contacted me, asked me if I was okay. I asked her how she knew; she said she just “knew.” God’s been giving her a few of those moments these past few weeks; just knowings when I was at some of my lowest times; sometimes I forget God is God and communicates through the Spirit. I am not as alone as I sometimes feel.

So, after that conversation, one of hope and encouragement…I went to wash dishes. I have a kitchen full of dishes…I came home after a week away to find a week’s worth of dishes undone; then I promptly got sick; my brother is amazing, but “seeing” dishes is not his speciality…and so I’ve been facing a kitchen full of them (I handwash – no dishwasher)…and just felt overwhelmed…and put on my Ipod and this song came on…and the tears almost came…not quite…my mind is running too many miles a minute…but enough that…as the dishes got clean and the dirty piles shrunk…I felt the need to write.

What, I don’t know. I just know, writing makes me feel better; writing is what I have always done; and I have not been writing.
So tonight…I write.
And the lyrics of this album flood out of my stereo, piercing the darkness of an upstairs apartment, providing a bit of a blanket tonight.

Space Inbetween Us
Look at my heart again
Look at the mess I’ve got it in
I’m trying to trust in You
To know that you’ll see me through
Through my pride
Through my shame
Into Your love
Into Your grace
I’m not looking back
Till I see Your face
And I’m running straight to You
Because

All I really want to do is to fall into
The emptiness that is
The space in-between us
To break this division
All I really want to do is to fall into
The emptiness that is
The space in-between us
Erase it and bring us together again

My life’s like an open book
Nothing is hidden when you look
You break through my boundaries
Revealing my insecurities
But through my pride
And through my shame
You show me love
You show me grace
I’m not looking back
Till I see your face
And I’m running straight to you
Because

Here I am saying I need you
I know I need you
Here I am, I’m coming to meet you
Cause I want to see you.

- Building 429

life as it happens

Spent a week in St. Louis for work between Christmas and the New Year…as such, the holidays feel like they flew past me; I had a few days off after St. Louis and am heading back to work tomorrow.

I have slept a ton; I had a cold post the conference; I was outside in 16 degree weather for about five hours over the course of a day, hauling luggage of hundreds of students and sorting it into forty different charter buses…it’s was a crazy job that I knew would mean a cold.  At least I am now almost better and it seems to only be a 3 day cold…so I’m thankful for that. :)

–

Lots of things on my mind; making decisions about a lot of major travel this summer.

Praying about a lot.

–

My brother made me dinner two nights ago, gave me a back rub, went grocery shopping for me and watched “The Fellowship of the Ring” with me.  It was a fun, relaxing night, and since I was sick, it was just so nice to have him serve me like that.

I treated myself to the extended versions of the Lord of the Ring – found used copies for minimal cost; it’s been years since I’ve seen the films, so I’m enjoying rewatching both the movies and also the documentary material.

Time off from work always flies by so quickly; I think I also…just enjoy doing little rather than being super productive during my time off; I always make lists of things I’d like to get done but rarely do I get it all done.

–

I’m considering life down the road in another country; my sister, also, plans to return to Spain after she graduates from college I think…it’s strange to consider the siblings splitting up worldwide, not just statewide.  I don’t know what the future holds; lots of decisions to be made; lots of steps to take from here to there.  Sometimes, I have to remind myself to just breathe.

Being together over Christmas…was a good and bittersweet experience.

Sometimes I really wish I could be a child again.

–

I don’t know if I’m “ready” for the semester to begin again, but ready or not, it will start.  I have a lot to do from tomorrow until next week.

For the moment, I’ll lose myself in washing dishes.

raw food

I’m quite fascinated by the whole “raw foods” idea of living. I don’t think I’m in any danger of converting since I don’t foresee the time it takes to live that way being in my near future…but I do love the concept and idea and my mother has been learning how to cook in that manner for the last four months and I just saw a plethora of items she’s made through photos and I’m quite hungry as a result. I tend to prefer the more vegetarian lifestyle overall…but I don’t think about it that much – I just find myself ordering that way more often than not and not always being thrilled when I get meat dishes, etc…
Anyway. Maybe one day. For now, I just want to start off by trying some things. :)

hmm

I would like to know where my year has gone.
Okay, thanks.

weird day

I got twelve hours of sleep last night but woke up at 2:30 p.m. today so I’m in a bit of a panic. I don’t like missing most of my day but I also have really needed the sleep, so I’m thankful I was able to get so much sleep. Maybe I’ll be more “caught up” now.
Lots to do tonight. Hopefully I’ll do it. It’s almost 6 p.m. I turned down a concert tonight with friends. Whether I get tons done or just continue to rest, I want to be well rested after this weekend. Tomorrow will be a full day. Looking forward to it, but much to do before then.
It’s dark, my brother is gone for the weekend, the place is quiet. It’s just one of those “gray” days.
I also woke up to find out about a suicide attempt, so that’s difficult. The person should make it but there might be complications.
Life.

lit

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. – Albert Schweitzer.

you always know where to find me

So thankful for Watermark’s music. Christy, the wife of “Watermark”, is my father’s second cousin. I wish I had known her since she’s closer to my age, but we grew up in different states. Anyway, their music (it’s a husband and wife team) has just really ministered to me through some dark, painful times, and continues to do so.

When the lie is deeper than I know
You capture me and You carry me home
You see these wounds and rescue me
You always heal things beautifully

And I close my eyes
And You can still my heart
And I call out Your name…
‘Cause You always know
You always know where to find me…
You always know
You always know where to find me…

And where could I wander that You wouldn’t be?
Whom have I but You who really knows me?
Proven to be the God that sees
From strength to strength You’ve lifted me…

And I could cry from the depths of the earth
I could stand on a mountaintop
And I can speak Your name out to the wind
And You go before me…
And You fall around me…

‘Cause You always know
You always know where to find me…
You always know You always know where to find me…
- Watermark

features

I haven’t had much time to devote to blogging or even fostering an online community the last year or so – maybe two ;), but I just added a “subscribe by email” function via WordPress, not simply feedburner (now google, lol) to this particular blog.  I love having blogs delivered to my inbox to read since I rarely surf the blogosphere to keep up with even blogs I love and adore.  I love helpful features like that. :)

honesty and true friendship

“Christy, you’re the kind of friend people avoid when they’re doing wrong or are doing something they shouldn’t because they know by your very nature and quality of friendship, you’ll call them out on it – even if you say nothing to them, they just…know… what they should be doing and don’t want to disappoint you or deal with it.”

I’ve lost a lot of friendships over the years…sometimes I wonder if that has anything to do with it.

My friends and I are constantly striving to grow, learn, mature, develop, sharpen each other, grow in our faith, in our walks, in our lives.  Grow to be better friends, better employees, better family members, etc.  To do that proactively and intentionally, it takes work and commitment, and a lot of people just aren’t interested in that.

Many times, I’ve found that friends, unconsciously, usually ;p, avoid hanging out with me at various times in their lives, because I challenge them and they don’t want to be challenged or they know what advice I’ll give and they don’t want to hear it, even if they know I’m right.

A lot of times, friends fade in and out of my life…and when they come back, they have some story to tell me that they said they kept from me because they knew what I’d say about it had they told me at the beginning, and they wanted to do it anyway, but now they’re dealing with the consequences and kicking themselves they didn’t keep me in their lives to be a helpful voice in their life.

One friend told me I’m one of two people he would always run by every major decision in his life because of my wisdom. (Whatever wisdom that is -  just a gift from God – Scripture and the Holy Spirit).  But anyway, this kind of proactive, interactive, engaging relationship is what I’m always about – it’s natural to me, and I cannot imagine anything else.

I take after both of my parents. Both deeply thoughtful, deeply wise, deeply good with conversation.

I also do this in my job, on a regular basis, as well, not just with my personal circle of friends and family.

It can be lonely, though…when friends avoid you because they know you’ll speak truth in love – and you just miss them.  (By the way, I’m not just giving advice or counsel, unsolicited – these things always crop up from conversations or when they invite me into situations, etc… ;p)

And apparently, I have eyes that bore into a person’s soul.  Countless people talk about my eyes…that when we’re talking, they feel like I’m seeing directly into their soul.  One gal said to another friend, “I cannot lie to Christy, because she just knows when I’m lying; I might as well be honest- she just knows.”  I’ve had friends squirm and ask me not to look at them when we’re talking (many, many times over).  I ask why and they say they feel like their soul is exposed.  I don’t know what this is.  I hope it’s a gift from God to be used for good, but it is an interesting facet of my life.  I probe, I prod, I try to ask helpful questions…counseling comes rather naturally to me, albeit I’m a layperson and not a professional.  But between my philosophical background and propensity for asking good Socratic questions ;) and my professional training in ministry, plus a whole lot of life and professional experience, I think helping people connecting the dots and think more deeply and thoughtfully about their lives and seeing them make connections and grow and find freedom in truth and in healing, etc…is one of the greatest joys in my life.

True friendship is not always easy.  And it doesn’t always “feel good.”  And sometimes that’s frustrating, in a feel-good culture and society.  Especially when you’re missing particular friendships.

I have a lot to ponder – I could be completely off…anyway, much for me to think about.

 

 

 

step

So much going on in my head.

–

It’s about 1 p.m.  My brother is still sleeping; he’s a 19 year old man, but still!  He’s been doing this for the last four days – and I need sleep and cannot sleep, lol.  I want him to wake up soon, though, so I don’t have to keep so quiet while he’s asleep.  Our flat is small, so the bedrooms are in the middle of the layout, so we really have to be quiet when the other is sleeping – there’s no muffling noise.

–

My allergies have been bad lately; I’m thinking it’s the forced air from the furnace now that the heat is on – heated air infused with cat.  My landlords have a cat and I’m highly allergic to cats – as I’ve had to use the basement (primarily where the cat lives) for laundry, my allergies have adjusted slightly and I’m better, but lately…my allergies have been acting up horribly – and I haven’t had issues for six months or so, since first moving in, so…I’m wondering what is going on.  The landlords have a special filter on their furnace but I’m thinking I need to put filters on our vents up here, because my allergies are acting up.  Hmm.

–

I think on some level, I’m frustrated with God; on other levels, I’m not.  One moment at a time.  I get frustrated when I think that the rain seems to fall on the just and unjust (i.e. God bestows blessings to people undiscriminating) and then I remember there is no one who is righteous, so I’m being ridiculous when I compare myself to others who are blessed with what I’m particularly longing for and deem that they’re having more “fun” doing whatever they are doing while I’m trying to follow Jesus on a road that is oftentimes hard.  It’s hard when you “do things right” and see others who don’t and see them “blessed” and you’re still trying to hang onto faith, hoping for God to give you what you want…because that’s the purpose of it all, right?  For my needs and desires to be met. *grin* Oh dear –   my faith is so weak.  He’s calling me to maturity and I’m still wishing and hoping he’ll give me what I deem to be a good gift and wanting to pout when I see others with it and I’m still waiting.

 

 

 

radical

A friend’s mother called me “radical” in passing on a social networking site.

I wonder what she means – in the moment, which has long since passed, I was too busy with work to ask what she was talking about.  I’m pretty sure she means being a campus pastor, living on my own…but I don’t know if it entails more.

It’s just always so interesting to “see” yourself from other people’s perspectives.

–

I’m taking today off from work.  I’ll work a day or so this weekend, but I’m going to enjoy these two days in a row off. :)  I plan to do dishes.  Maybe watch a movie, rest, catch up on some things I rarely get to do because of work, etc.  I tried to sleep in today, but to no avail.  Looking forward to some tea in a few minutes.

–

I took yesterday “off” from eating especially well since it was a holiday, but I only took small portions of Thanksgiving dinner and I was absolutely stuffed.  Not used to that many calories in one sitting even though I ate “light”.  I ate one main meal  yesterday and had a piece of dessert, but woke up starving this morning, so that’s good. :)

My family cooks a fabulous Thanksgiving meal.  So tasty, but what was interesting, is that, now that I’ve been restructuring my diet these past few years..that kind of rich food (stuffing, gravy, turkey, green bean casserole, cranberry-orange relish, salad and sweet potatoes, sweetened with orange juice) just…is too much.  I’m not used to having that kind of fare.

Mother’s been into raw foods lately…I don’t have the time, so I’m not too worried about becoming a huge raw food person, but I do see myself, in an ideal world, heading down that road more and more. :)  It excites me.

–

Tea for now.  I really want a cup or two of tea this morning. :)

Mmmmm.

–

And I’m terrified now of having kids.

perspective

I’m highly emotional tonight.  Had a fabulous Thanksgiving day today with family…but it’s brought up a lot of emotions…mostly…just missing my three younger sisters and wishing they wanted to hang out more/had more time.  I’m close with my three younger brothers, but I feel distant with my sisters.  They got together to cook Thanksgiving dinner spur of the moment and didn’t tell me.  Thanksgiving plans were changed at the last minute – we were all going to Mom’s and having a simple meal together to play games and hang out…but then one of my sisters who is still in college decided to host, and I don’t know when it was decided, but I wasn’t told until this morning that there had been a change of plans so I just showed up with the rest of the family.

I express desire to hang out with them, invite them to do so, say I’ll meet up with them and drive out to them (we’re all a good distance from each other), but it never happens.  They all have the “family drive” within them and thus keep themselves all insanely busy in either school, work, or both, but it was just hard to see them and know that I’ll see them a few times this year and that’s it.

I want more.  But they have to want it and have time for it, too. Two of my sisters live together at home and said they see each other maybe once a month – and they’re in the same house, so that made me feel slightly better about not seeing them as much as I would like, but still, dissatisfied.

Stuck in this stage of just…I dunno.  Discontent with that area of my life but unsure how to fix it except to keep praying and hoping things change one day.  I know I was the same when I was in college.  It’s just hard being on the other side of it.

patience

I love writing, and this blog is a place primarily for me to work out things in my life, to capture moments, feelings, fleeting thoughts, whatever I may fancy — as I’ve shared before, but it’s also for community and when I’m writing more voraciously, it works better.  But for now, time is limited, so in reality, though I welcome the little community still left here (not posting every day, I know there are only a few diehards left reading ;), I realize that so often, in in penning whatever I do here for my processing, the same themes crop up in this blog, and I’m happily content to keep blogging about them, over and over and over again…even something so simple as my love for coffee, etc…and I laugh.  I am thankful, primarily because God works through things with me graciously and patiently, so for the bigger themes…I realize I’ve been blogging about them for years or months and yet, I do see small steps of growth or self-awareness taken, but life is certainly a process!  So for those who have been reading here for two years, I’m sure many of my ramblings are familiar and I seem like a broken record.  When I go through my personal journals or prayer journals, I likewise see themes…coursing through them…and I just marvel at how God’s love and patience never run dries when I pour out my heart to him.

So thankful for that.

moment

I absolutely have a way too active mind. I love it and am thankful for it, but it can be exhausting some times!
–
Listening to Ravi Zacharias this afternoon and cleaning my room. Excited for later tonight…studying John with one of my favorite Bible study teachers (and second father figures since Dad passed) – he brings so much philosophically to the studies but also connects the heart and intellect fully…it’s just a fabulous time.
–
I want to write reams and reams but work calls this afternoon before I get to “play” and spend time with friends and then Bible study, etc. so focusing right now.

humor

I called a friend and her husband, who is also a close friend, picked up. She was in the shower, so we chatted and he said out of the blue, “So you’re still sick, Christy?”

“Yes.”
“Have you been to a doctor?”
“No…not officially.”
“Dam-it, Christy! You have insurance, don’t you? Aren’t we paying for it? You should use it!”

He is hilarious and made me laugh. I assured him I had seen a doctor, just not in a doctor’s office, but that yeah, I agreed, I needed to go in soon to see why I cannot shake the cough (I assume it’s because I talk eight hours a day or more for my job – hard to let lungs rest and fully heal when that is going on). But…since I live on support – people giving monthly to the work I do – he technically does pay for my health insurance in some way, form or fashion, so his outburst in love, clothed with humor, was just hilarious.

I love that couple. ;) They always make me laugh.

thankfulness

Watching the big college football rivalry this afternoon with my brother but off soon to a birthday part for two close friends where I’ll watch the second half with them – excited. Just glad for a day off and a day full of relaxation, fun, laughter, close friends. Silliness and depth, good food, football, games, friendship.

I miss blogging.
I want to start making more space to write. I really miss it.

changes

I’m having an amazing month. On a whole lot of levels. Professionally. Personally. Spiritually.
–
I met with a regional director for the organization I work with Thursday night; she came into town to speak to my students, and we had a meeting afterwards; I took her to my favorite Arabic restaurant and we had a fabulous conversation for a few hours. She was really encouraging and provided some much needed context for the work I’m doing – receiving some affirmation for my work that I don’t always hear in my regular context. It was just encouraging to spend time with a mentor and glean from her experience, wisdom and knowledge. She also spoke into my life personally from things she learned on the job when she was where I am currently and wanted to impart to me, and I just came away so refreshed and blessed by that time with her. She lives on the other side of the state so we rarely see each other and never have one on one time with each other, so it was just a treat.
–
My students make me so proud; I absolutely love working with them. My job is such a joy.
–
Last weekend I took 44 of my students to an area conference – there were about 350 students there in totality; it was great to see the students bond and grow and be challenged in their personal and academic lives and see them respond spiritually to God. Seeing breakthroughs happen for them, seeing them connect the dots, seeing them become more self-aware; seeing them grow in compassion, care for the world, understanding God’s character, etc.

Two of my best friends volunteered their weekend to staff the conference with me and it was such a blessing having them and another alumni there to help me care for the students and help them process throughout the weekend. The org I work for is known for providing amazing training but we have a tendency to pack in the information and sometimes it’s a bit hard for students to unpack the wealth of information, knowledge, training and tools they are given, so that’s where conversations with staff are helpful and needed for the students. It was fun to have friends there for me emotionally. Those weekends are amazing but so emotionally, physically and spiritually demanding…I don’t know how you do this job without being 110% passionate about the work. It demands your very all when you’re doing it.

I’m learning and need to continually be learning how to manage myself and my health in the midst of my love and passion for the job. Living with someone who can be a voice of reason is helpful to me. I don’t have that currently, so I am missing that helpful voice in my life. Anyway, I’m the only staffworker right now for my chapter, which has grown by leaps and bounds, and there’s only one me, so I’m constantly trying to learn how to work more strategically, how to use my time, how to guard my time, how to care for myself. I’m rethinking some major things – basically my work rhythms and the amount of hours I work and considering some changes. My default is perfectionism, workaholism, etc…I could sugarcoat that and say it’s good ol’ fashion Protestant work ethic, but really…I’m just a driven person and always seek to excel and achieve – part of it is innate; part of it is learned from my father. I’ve learned in some respects to manage that, but it makes it difficult when there is always more work to do, I LOVE the work I do, I’m passionate about it, and I lose track of time doing my job, so I have to figure how to balance better this season of life. (Fabulous “problem” to be having – loving my job so much I have to figure out how to not work so much because I adore it.)

I already make sure I get enough sleep and take one day off a week as a Sabbath. I make sure I see friends, have a social life, rest and relax but I still tend to get sick (in spite of healthy eating, going off of coffee, getting sleep, etc.), and so I need to do more work tweaking the balance in my life; I don’t like the idea that I might have to pull back what I give to work, but I’m learning to listen to my body more and my spirit and I’m learning how to take care of myself regardless of expectations of supervisors, employers, etc. When it comes down to it, I’m responsible for being a good steward of my body and answering to God for how I live. I need to continually learn new ways of doing that and remind myself I’m not living for the approval of “man.”

Anyway, so that’s been a continual lesson but a breakthrough this month in realizing I may have to make some pretty big changes here in the near future for the sake of my health and long term well-being. I think it’s hard because I view my immediate supervisor as a machine and so I have to fight feeling “weak” if I am not able to work at the same pace or amount as she, as long as I know I’m doing my best and working as unto God.

The crazy thing is that…from all accounts, I’m doing great work and I know it, but I still feel like I should be doing “more” or could be “doing better.” And I suppose some of that is a healthy humility and perspective and always need to grow and mature and better my work, but some of that is just my own brokenness operating. Excellence at the expense of health is inane, not something to be strived for. I know this. I just need to figure out how to live that out in this season of life.

Thankful for a friend and superior/mentor to remind me of that this week.

social networking…a fan? ;)

My friend Molly had this dream about me:

“I was at a restaurant and saw you come in to meet a friend for a lunch date. I then noticed that you put a baby carrier on the table. So of course, shocked and confused, I go over to find out what’s going on. You proceed to tell me that it’s your one month old baby girl. You hadn’t named her yet (for reasons that are hazy to my memory), so you call her “baby.” I proceed to say how I didn’t even know that you were pregnant let alone delivered a baby! And you told me that you hid it from people and didn’t tell people that you went into labor. So here’s the kicker… I asked who the father was and you told me his name was social networking. Then I woke up.”

little did i know

Little did I know
That I almost let you go
Until I caught a glimpse of life
without you

Little did I know
How deep these roots had grown
Until I felt the earth quake here
without you

And this ache is gonna break me love
Until you come back home
Right or wrong
There is no home without you

And these eyes are never gonna dry
I never knew how I could cry
Until I thought I’d really lost you

Little did I know that I almost let you go
Until I caught a glimpse of life
without you
-Over the Rhine

responsibilty

Responsibility.

Sometimes I just don’t want to face it.

I don’t want to make life-changing decisions.  Because then I’m responsible for them.  And I have to own them.  I cannot cast responsibility off to someone else.

And so I freeze. Because the task seems so daunting.

Because I don’t want to screw up.

Because I don’t want to be the one to make the decision.

I don’t want the buck to stop here.

I don’t want to upset the status quo because I’ve become comfortable.  Because it is familiar.  Because I don’ t know what the wilderness holds.

Preparing a teaching on some leadership principles.  Looking at Exodus 18: 13 – 26…making me think of Moses.  And his time in the wilderness.  And how following God does not mean safety.  Doe snot mean we have things tied up in neat little packages and bows.  Does not mean…the ordinary.  Sometimes it means forging new ground, trusting in God, going where we would rather not, leaving behind the comforts of home.  Even if the comforts mean slavery, as they did for the Israelites longing to go back to Egypt even though they were being led out of captivity into freedom and the promised land.

Am I desiring to cling to comforts because of the unknown?  And the fear of all that it will require and the faith that it requires?  Am I stubbornly wanting to cling to captivity when God is promising me freedom and abundance, simply because I don’ t know if I trust in His goodness or faithfulness?

Many years ago, I decided I did not want to be a normal “Christian” – that I was going to follow God wherever He led me and not choose a life of perceived ease, but rather, I was going to radically follow Him no matter what the cost.  No matter where that would lead me.

On the verge of yet another wilderness, I find my resolve faltering.  And yet, I’ve been here before; I’ll be here again if I continue to follow God.

Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.

** For those wondering what on earth I’m talking about – I realize this blog is primarily my electronic pad of paper to pen my thoughts and work out my life, and I don’t always explain what my vague ramblings are about…but…my impending wilderness are decisions that will be life altering.  So many of our decisions are, I realize that, ones that we don’t even realize we’re making, and yet some are clearly life altaring…and the decision begs the questions of just what the implications will be.

So many decisions.

Adulthood.

Not an easy walk in the park.

Cliche-ridden, my heart asks God, what do you have for me?

At least I know from experience and from revelation, He will never leave me nor forsake me.

And that brings me comfort.

I think of friends who have moved to new cities.  Or moved to another country.  Or my sister who took off for another country for a year.  I admire their courage.  Their hope.  Their bravery.  Or maybe their naivete.  Maybe their idealistic dreams.  Maybe their wits-end decisions.  Whatever they might be.

I want to be like them one day.

Or do I?

 

 

coffee-less lass

Starting week four without coffee.  From three year barista to this…who would have thought?

I no longer have mid-day crashes – at all.  It’s wonderful.  My energy level is so much higher.  It’s crazy.

And I don’t crave it.  Yet.

Phil says just wait and enjoy it while I can – that I’ll go back.  Perhaps, but right now, I’m enjoying this new season of tea-only.

When we went up to the cabin a couple of weeks ago with a bunch of friends I was only two weeks off it and as we were unpacking after midnight after a long drive up to the bay…I was unsettled to see him pull out his espresso machine. We’re out in the middle of nowhere, bringing up the basics and he brought up his espresso machine (I loved him in that moment, through my personal dismay, haha).  I wasn’t sure I could make it through the weekend without caving – he makes the best espresso drinks – I love nothing more than going to his home and having him make me a cappuccino and nibbling on dark chocolate while we visit.  BUT I made it!   He made everyone else amazing drinks on Saturday evening before we went out for a campfire on the beach of Lake Huron…(and a cappuccino-esque cocoa for me since I love the froth of a cap so much) and I made it through. :) :) :)

I just feel a little like I’m living in the Twilight zone…loving coffee was so much part of my identity…but that’s partly why I decided to let it go.

At least for a season. :)

 

 

two worlds…

I randomly stumbled upon the blog of someone who is two years older than I am, with three children, living the life my parents lived…down to raising the very same breed of chickens we used to raise.  It was surreal to read of a life I only hazily remember through the fog of time and grief…a simple life, one of organic gardening and making pumpkin butter, of cooking from scratch, of art and piano and sewing and nature walks; of reading out loud, of being around the fire as a family, of family dinners and laughter and joy.  Of homemade bread, of cakes and pies, of canning and quilting.  Of the art of simplicity; of the art of family.  So lost in today’s society; so forgotten; so beloved from my past.

To read of that life was just a jolt; I felt I was reading of myself, a self I could have been had I taken a different path ten years ago; a path I intended to take; and now, here I am, so far removed from that life…I’m not even sure I fully want it.  I don’t know.  It has it’s charms and benefits…but I’d want to synthesize the two.  I want to be a part of culture – of culture making, of people and cities and life and brokenness, of love and relationships, or art galleries and music…I also appreciate the simpleness of the homestead, of the organic, of the natural, of raising a family and investing in them; of doing things by scratch, not buying into the frenzied pace of most Americans, or at least most Northerners…

Is it possible to synthesize the two?  I hope so.  I don’t want to be so cut off from culture and reality that I have no influence or place in society at large – with people who don’t believe what I believe, look like I do, or live like I do.  At the same time, I do want a more simple life, a family life, one that includes reading aloud, family dinners, and homemade pumpkin butter.

Can one have both worlds?

A lot of Christians choose the more simple “homestead” lifestyle to get away from those who don’t believe as they do, to protect their children, to shield them.  I don’t want that.  I want the lifestyle but not the philosophy or implications that we should “shelter” our children.  I want any family I may have to be vibrant, relevant, have something to say and contribute to the larger world around them; not be so cut off from the mainstream that they become irrelevant, unable to be friends with pagans and atheists, with those who don’t believe as they do.   I want my children to be world-savvy, wise as serpents, innocent as doves…to have many friends, to love Jesus first and foremost and to love their neighbor, second…no matter who that neighbor is.  Is that too much to ask for?

work.seasons.life

My job is one I adore; it is taxing, it is demanding and it is fabulous.  When I think of how much I’ve grown the past two years on staff, all that I’ve been exposed to, the ways I’ve been developed and had a chance to grow professionally and personally…it makes me sad to ever think about leaving this job.  Wondering if I’ll ever have another place in life where I am so challenged but I also get to exercise the best of my gifts and talents through the work I do.

I’m really thankful for such a rich experience in this season.  Who knows how long the season will last – a few years, a lifetime, but however long, I’m incredibly thankful for it.

men

S. called this afternoon.  “Hi, I just miss you.”

I love uncomplicated male friendships.

Sometimes, in some of the crowds I run with, everything is so “sexed” because all the Christians are virgins that it just convolutes male/female friendships.  So it’s just so nice when that added layer of confusion or complication is just not there and we’re able to just enjoy each other’s femininity or masculinity without the tension of the male/female dichotomy being present.

It’s just really nice.

still processing…

I’m twenty-seven, not too old, not too young…but old enough to have experienced some life.

I think about D.  And the friendship we used to have.  The ways in which I am trying to deal with a friend betraying the friendship and walking away for the sake of a girl.  I never foresaw experiencing this kind of pain when I was young.  Life was full of possibilities and hope.  I hadn’t tasted the bitter wine of life; of sin; of brokenness in relationships.

What hurts the most is that from both of our perspectives I did nothing wrong.  I was simply too good of a friend.  I think it would somehow ease the pain if I had done something wrong to merit the decision to break off fellowship with me, but as I didn’t, it just feels and is so unfair.

I’ve had other friendships break off but I’ve been able to see where I was either wrong or did things that weren’t helpful and so at least it makes logical sense; I may not like the outcome, but at least I “get” it.  Here, a year later, I still don’t “get” it.   There is nothing to ease the pain of being rejected, of having someone walk away from you.

Time does help.  It doesn’t hurt as much; and I can remember the memories fondly overall without feeling a deep sorrow but I still miss him and his friendship.  And I still feel as if something is missing from my life. And it feels like a pretty hopeless situation.  And I just have to live with that.

I remember my now boss who was then just a friend saying sometimes we ask for forgiveness and have to live with not being forgiven.  When she told me that, I remember not really understanding the gravity of that situation.  Of being so utterly not in control and having to reconcile ourselves to not receiving forgiveness and someone continuing to live and be okay with that and having peace despite something feeling so open and there being no closure…but I get it now.  On a lot of different levels.

This is not something I can fix; this is something I have to be okay with.  I just have to accept it and let God heal the hurt I feel and deal with the injustice of the whole situation.
Maybe one day there will be healing and restoration; maybe there won’t.

Either way, whatever time God gave me was a gift, and He gives and He takes away; blessed be His name.

growing in self-awareness

Living with my brother has been an adventure; mostly because I have learned so much about myself through learning about him.  Things that I thought were “Christy” traits I am realizing are more “family” traits…and his commentary about my life is quite insightful.  We come from the same stock, the same parents, though I had the benefit of my father for much longer than he did, and I wasn’t thrust into being the man of the house at age eleven like he was…so while we share some commonalities of upbringing, our pasts are also vastly different.  I think what amazes me is how similar we are.

We’re both INFPs…which means we’re extremely relational and tend to be messy, in a nutshell. ;)  I think I have a bit more of a first born drive than he does, which affects our personalities pretty drastically, but at the same time, the ways in which we’re similar just make me smile.

He’s joined the student group I staff.  That’s been…informing. ;p  The first night, my students (who are now his peers) pumped him for information about his older sis, their staffworker.  He betrayed me readily…giving them some good blackmail information, much to my chagrin. ;p  But as they’ve gotten to know him, they’ve made some insightful qualities about “family” traits…so it’s just been a fun couple of months learning to see myself through my brother’s eyes and also learning to see myself through the lens of how people see our “family” in general.

My brother has pointed out how similar I am to my father.  Things that I either forgot about or that weren’t in the forefront of my mind.  It’s been a little unnerving to realize just how much offspring are like their parents…I’m seeing more and more of my mother in me, and now…apparently, my father, too.  How much control do we really have over personality and how much is genetically pre-determined or socially influenced through parenting?  Age – old questions, sure, but ones I’m pondering.  Of course I believe in free will and do not believe we’re relegated to repeat behaviors or patterns of our parents but the tendency to follow in their footsteps…the ways in which we’re inclined…our heritage and parentage really do have something to say about that.  Both the good and the bad.

I’ve also found that living with my brother brings out the worst in me.  I’ve had various roommates over the last four years or so.  I’m a pretty decent roommate – patient, kind, loving, or so I like to think.  But when you’re living with flesh and blood, the filter is gone.  I still like to think that I’m patient, kind and loving, but the temptation to lose my temper or say something I would normally never say to someone else, even a best friend, is so much stronger when you’re living with blood relatives.  It’s crazy to me.  My brother and I were practically strangers only because I’ve been living about an hour from home for about five years now and before that, I was in college…so I would have thought I’d exercise the same restraint and patience that I do with normal roommates, but nope. ;p  A friend said that is because we have so much higher expectations for blood relatives.  I suppose that is true; I suppose I do expect more from him because I know how he was raised, etc.  But it is curious to me.  I feel like I’m seeing more of the real “Christy” than I have in a long time – not that I wasn’t being real these past four years…but I was more filtered…and when roommates would do something that would irritate me, I’d have a calm conversation with them, ask them why, etc…whereas with my brother, I usually skip all of that pretense and so he really gets the unfiltered, base Christy.

We’ve only had one fight in the two months – he pulled my laundry out halfway and dumped it on top of the dryer so he could do his laundry.  While I was home.  Instead of asking me for a laundry basket or asking if it was okay.  Because the dryer was dirty and thus my damp clothes got dirty as a result, I got extremely upset at his inconsiderateness and let him know that was rude behavior .  I doubt he’ll do that again.  Had it been anyone other than my brother (or a family member) I probably would have fumed inwardly, decided it wasn’t worth having a fight and just dealt with it and tried to move on.  But because it was a family member, I felt much more comfortable confronting him.

It makes me nervous to think about ever having children.  I’m a decently calm, sweet, patient person now; but I’m single, I pretty much live the life I want, I get the sleep I need…I can only imagine how my true nature will come out when I have kids…and am sleep deprived and not getting the care I necessarily need…I better continue to work on my character so that if that time comes, I have grown in maturity and patience and grace.

reality

I’m sitting in a Catholic retreat center…in the room I normally take when I come here once a month.  The iconoclastic nature of Catholic places…took me a while to get used to, being Protestant born and raised.   There is a red tree outside my room…I’m in the middle of a wooded lot…so the Fall colors in all their glory are able to be viewed right outside my window.  I’m buried under some blankets I found in the closet.   I’ve been here since this morning – almost four hours.  I am serene and peaceful.  I’ve journaled a bit about what is on my heart this week…this month…got a lot of it out “on paper” – took an hour nap – made some tea, and read a lot of Genesis.  Crazy stories…I love reading Genesis.  It reminds me of when Dad would read aloud to us every morning Scripture – we’d go from Genesis to Revelation every year and then start all over again.  Stories of intrigue and God’s faithfulness…much went over my head when I was young but as I matured, I started to understand more…

I miss those mornings; Mom and Dad would call a family meeting…we’d all gathering in the living room and before Dad left for work, we’d sing a few hymns or worship songs and then we’d listen to Dad read aloud the Bible; sometimes Mom did it, sometimes as the eldest child, I had the privilege of reading aloud.  We spent a half an hour together every morning.  And then Dad would dash off to his business doctor’s practice and we kids would do breakfast dishes and then get back to our schoolwork or housework.  I took for granted those mornings.  Although Mom was the one to initially encourage those family “devotion” times…once Dad passed away, the tradition stopped.  The grief was too much, we were just trying to function, etc.

When I think back upon my life and think back to the rich heritage Mom and Dad gave me, I am extremely grateful.  They really invested in us in so many ways, but especially spiritually. Oh, to hear Dad read aloud Genesis again…to be so young, so innocent, to be a family unit again.

After Dad’s passing…we tried to keep a semblance of the unit we once were…but I was the first to go to college and thus my schedule started conflicting with the family’s schedule.  In the last ten years…as sibling after sibling has come into adulthood and gotten jobs and gone to college, etc…and as younger siblings have transitioned from being homeschooled to being in public school, with all the differing schedules that demands, it is rare that we’re ever together in one room.  I think it’s been a few years.  Last Christmas, one sister was in Spain.  Other holidays the other sister is working in a medical facility, covering shifts.  I imagine as the marriages come and as people move out of state or out of country, being together as a family will become a faint memory of a life lived long ago.  Even now…it’s been eight years…and sometimes I hardly remember what it was like to be unified. To be together. To experience that love and community.

I think I knew intellectually that time of life wouldn’t last – even if Dad had not passed away, we would grow up and things would change…but even though I knew it, I didn’t want to believe it.  I wanted to live in the moment of security and love forever.