ramblings on internet dating/long-distance relationships

I’ve been dreading writing this piece; “this piece” being one on the topic of online relationships/internet dating. Why? Because I have no idea where I stand; I have an inkling but haven’t wanted to definitively figure it out and thus I’ve balked from writing anything, even a simple post, let alone piece. But since one of you asked for my thoughts…here goes. (And perhaps that is why I ventured to first write a post on it…writing inevitably helps one sort out one’s beliefs, does it not?)

Anyway, I cast a question to the general public a couple of months ago, in a few different spheres; apparently WordPress readers have no desire to weigh on in the topic as literally no one commented; other venues, I sparked more response.

Regardless, I initiated my question because that day, it had again been suggested to me that I join an internet dating service; there I am, nonchalantly living my life, and bam! Everywhere I turned, I was being told about how wonderful these online matchmaker services are, usually followed up with “You should try it” or “Have you thought about it?”

I bristle upon such suggestions. Why? Because there seems to be, embedded in their suggestions, whether they realize it or not, the implication that somehow something is wrong with my life, with my singleness, and if I just met a man, life would somehow be better (of course, there are times I think this, too ;). The implicit implication is the clock is ticking and all the good men in my neighborhood are already taken…but I protest: I’m twenty-five, not eighty. And I’m not waiting around for some man to sweep me off my feet. I have a life to live, things to do.

Oh, I’m not denying a partner would be absolutely fabulous – a good partner, and I eagerly look forward to the day I say “I do” should I walk down that aisle. But it irks me that in the meantime, others think I’m in need of a significant other.

It’s not that I’m not open, but to take matters into my own hands, to spend time and money scouting out potential partners, well…to me…it’s not for me. I’m too busy with life…if I stumble upon someone, or vice versa, in the midst of all that I’m doing, great. And if not, then so be it.

However, I know many others who love it and swear by it. Some are now married to the partners they found online, some are dating those partners, others still haven’t found anyone to pursue past the “getting to know you” online or telephone stage…but all seem to think it’s a great tool.

In theory, I’m not against it, but I’m just not interested in joining a service.

That being said, the internet is extremely helpful for long distance relationships, whether romantic or other, as my friend Annika and I can attest to since she moved to another state this spring. And I think long distance relationships can be a great asset initially because they really force you to develop a friendship, which, I would argue, is one of the main foundations of a healthy relationship/marriage.

But with that comes a lot of questions; can we truly know another if the relationship starts out long distance (as opposed to moving into a long distance phase due to life circumstances)?

How well can one really know another if the communication/relationship is forced to be resigned to online communication, telephone calls, and the occasional visit when time and finances permit? Does one really know another if one is not living in close proximity to them, to see them on their worst and best day? To see how they interact with the waiters and waitresses who serve them, to see how they interact with their friends, family, people they dislike, etc? To see how they handle stress, how they handle anger, how they handle this and that. Can two people really, truly know each other if the relationship is long distance?

And if the answer is no, then, how does one navigate the long distance relationship waters?

When does one decide to pick up their life to move near another? For me, there’s no question that we won’t live together before marriage, so how do two people determine when it’s time for one person to pick up their bags and move to another state, leaving behind “their life” to explore what one might look like with another?

The advent of the internet has opened up a whole new complicated set of questions to add to the relationship dance. It allows for a much broader range of people to choose from, since, literally, the world is at your door, but it also, as a result, makes the decision-making process a lot more complicated if one chooses to walk through that door.

And perhaps my hesitation to internet dating services aren’t necessarily to the idea itself – as it’s been pointed out numerous times to me, if anyone can do it, it’s me as I seem to have been built for relationships, especially written communication, but rather because I really question whether or not one can truly know another person online or through the phone. We all wear masks; we can choose what to reveal and what to hide; when we’re having a bad day, a bad moment, we don’t have to broadcast that to another – the internet and telephone allow a convenient filter – we may not consciously realize we’re doing it, but when we’re involved in a relationship that is confined to the internet and telephone due to distance, can we really say we know another?

With Annika, our friendship grew in close proximity, so I had the benefit of having developed a close friendship in person before she moved away, but the reality is, while I do know her facial expressions, body language, etc. when we talk on the phone or online, something huge is still missing in the communication process that we both get when we’re sitting across from each other in a coffee shop. We all speak more loudly through our body language…so do those who have done internet dating feel as if they truly know another person simply through online or telephone communication? And when they do meet, and even if they do visit for extended times, do you really feel as if you are getting to see/know the entire person or do you question whether or not that person is on their best behavior because they are crazy about you?

So, internet dating, long-distance relationships – are they feasible? Do they work?

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As a postscript, I believe it’s become such a phenomenon because those who do not wish to frequent the bar scene are really at a loss regarding how to meet people; I cannot tell you how many times the girls at work or single girlfriends wonder how on earth they can meet people. My life is so busy that I’m constantly meeting people as I’m just working/living it, so my advice is always, when asked, “Do the things you love, and if, by chance, you meet someone who is also interested in the things you love, you have a great place to start a friendship.” But it’s a valid question, especially for those who don’t like to go out on their own…I think internet dating allows you access to a much bigger “pool” of people to choose from, and because you’re both there for the express purpose of exploring a relationship, there’s very little guesswork involved. The masks, theoretically, are stripped away, you weed out candidates through a series of questions, and then emails…but there’s something that just seems cold about that process…maybe it’s my femininity kicking into gear, but to have a smorgasbord of men at my table to choose from and then to systematically “weed” out those who don’t match my qualifications/criteria seems to me to be a little too scientific about the whole process and leaves little room for God to work and to bring two people together.

That being said, I’ve known people I respect who have used it, found wonderful partners, and are extremely happy, so maybe my hesitation is completely unjustified.

I just know that I’m a complicated creature and do not want to rely totally upon what preconceived notions I might have to determine who would be a good life partner for me – God knows me better than I know myself because he’s created me, and I trust him with all areas of my life – why would I not trust him in this area, too?

And perhaps that’s why I’m hesitant about the internet dating service world – it seems upon entering it, one is taking the reigns into one’s own hand, saying “I’m not comfortable being single and thus I’m going to do something about it” and, frankly, I’m not comfortable with that.