I started writing a comment to answer your question an one fall out of love permanently or does it take one moment, built upon another, until one’s heart becomes hard toward another?, and it evolved into a blog post. Head over to my blog to read it

I loved reading your comment. And I should probably give a disclaimer that whatever “perspective” I threw out there, I’m not sure I can or would claim it as “mine.” =)

Can one fall out of love permanently or does it take one moment, built upon another, until one’s heart becomes hard toward another?

interesting perspective on the issue of arranged marriages. I have a bit of a different perspective on the process of getting to love someone.

In olden times, the process went along these lines: First, there is an arrangement by your family. Then there is the opportunity to meet the person. Some courthsip (very structured; very supervised) then happens where the 2 people get to know each other. Then the man confirms his commitment and proceeds to wedding (with or without real consent from the wife). By this stage, one of both partners may have ‘fallen in love’ and be in the emotional period we often called the ‘honeymoon’ (all loos rosy with your partner). Then life comes around, and the 2 people see the good and the bad. They may fall ‘out’ of love, but over time, a deep love (hopefully) develops. If you’re the man and unlucky enough to fall out of love with your partner permanently, and you’re “lucky” enough to be a king, you may behead the wife and start again.

Then in modern times, things happen slightly different. First there is attraction - you meet someone that holds your attention, either because of common interests, or because of looks. Then comes courtship (initiated & maintained by either of the 2 people involved), and through this process, both must fall in love. If not, the process ends here. Then come wedding preparations; by this stage, the couple is already in the emotional period we call the ‘honeymoon’. Then comes the wedding; and the actual honeymoon. Then life comes around, and the 2 people see the good and the bad. They may fall ‘out’ of love, and if they are strong and/or determined and/or desperate enough, they may stick through it. Over time, a deep love (hopefully) develops. If you’re unlucky enough to fall out of love with your partner permanently, and you don’t have religious tennets that prevent you from dissolving the union, you hire a lawyer and start all over again.

The morale of the story? The few differences between old times and new times are

a) Choices are more equally available to men and women (God bless Women’s lib)

b) You don’t have to resort to beheading your partner if you’re unlucky enough to fall out of love permanently, and

c) The ‘falling in love’ acts as a precursor to any serious commitments (like getting engaged & planning a wedding)

Besides these 3 aspects, and some of the minutiae of the order in which the events happen, things aren’t all that different, really.

:-)

Long-distance relationships have their difficulties but I think they can be a great asset, because as I’ve mentioned before, it really allows a friendship to be developed without some of the complications relationships in close proximity can raise in the initial stages…when judgment can get a little cloudy. ;p

I had to laugh a bit at your comment…I’ve seen similar lists to the Biblical ways to obtain a wife… ;) Thanks for sharing – I’ll have to try some of them out in the near future. *wink* (That being said, I assume/hope you’re not encouraging your boys in these various “interesting arguments” to raid the neighboring clan, hold a beauty contest, or marry their sister.)

Although from end to end the bible does emphasise the point that what is most important is that spouses love or learn to love each other and that they honor God!)

I have this running debate with a close friend about love…what is it, what does it look like, and how much does “falling in love” play into choosing a life partner? Does falling in love come first or does choosing someone and then choosing to love them initiate the falling in love? I think of the musical “Fiddler on the Roof” in which the married couple sing a song to each other, basically asking (after twenty-five years of marriage) “Do you love me?” They were married through an arranged marriage and through living life together, grew to love each other…and throughout much of history, parents did arrange marriages, etc… and people grew to love each other…so how does “falling in love” play into choosing a mate, especially when throughout life there will be times you fall “out of love” but must choose to either continue acting in love or to pull away (and I’d argue too often too many do the latter because they believe that they must always feel the Hollywood “romance” and when they don’t they think something is wrong with the relationship…). I’m rambling…but if people for so many years have fallen in love after getting married…I wonder how much emphasis should be put upon the emotional component *initially* when pursuing a life partner…(and this is NOT to say I don’t think one should fall in love - I’m a hopeless romantic…I’m just wondering if we need to rethink our constructs/understanding of “love.”)

I believe as Miles Munroe argues that a good way to a fulfilled life as a married is to live a fulfilled life as a single!

Fabulous quote. =) I think that sums up the underlying philosophy of my post rather nicely – and you did it in, oh, a few less words. ;)

As for my current partner? I was living in Colombia and she came on a holiday with her family (to visit family - her Dad was from Colombia too). After two years of having a long distance relationship (these were the days of pen & paper, with a trial of email with ‘Compuserve’, the precursor to modern-day ISPs), my now-wife and I decided to ‘give this relationship a real chance’. As a result, I moved across the world to spend some time with her on a daily basis (and in the process, I got an MBA, which is what afforded me a 2-year student visa into Australia). The rest, as they say, is history.

Long-distance relationships can work. Online dating services, although not having tried them, can help people with the first stages of courtship; I would recommend seeking people on the same city as you live, however. In the end, it is a personal choice. Will you one day decide maybe it works for you too? Maybe…. Maybe not.