pride and money

Woke up, did housework, caught up with my roommate, had coffee, worked out, took a long bath/shower…and am now having leftover Thai from last night…and drinking loads of water. I asked for “mild” curry (with eggplant - YUM) and was given “hot” and the waitress kindly added more coconut milk to help temper the heat…but I’m currently crying from the spice…and my nose is running…so I wonder if it became more pungent overnight in the fridge. Hmm.

Speaking of. Yesterday was an interesting money day. I don’t normally think of my days in “money day” terms (what even IS that? haha)…but…I randomly called up Molly to have dinner with me last night at one of our favorite Thai restaurants…I arrived first, as it was on my way home from work and settled down to read at the booth while I waited for her. However, first, two men around my age (late twenties to early thirties) opened the door to the restaurant for me. In deference, I let them go ahead of me when the hostess tried to address me first since they had stepped aside when they opened the door and would have been first had they not been gentlemen.

They were apparently there to pick up a carryout, and their order amounted to $24.80. While I waited for them to pay and for my turn…I realized there was a problem at the register. The host said she did not have change for two twenty dollar bills (which I find ridiculous but that’s beside the point). I quickly assessed that the man who was picking up the order had two twenties and four one dollar bills; his friend left his wallet at home. The hostess just stood there…after saying she didn’t have change for a twenty…and then the man tried to give her 24 dollars and she said “It’s 24.80″ and the man said “Yes, I know but I don’t have anything else on me.” I was by this point absolutely flabbergasted (this is a restaurant I frequent often and have never had an issue - but something as small as having enough change or the ability to procure the right amount of change for forty dollars in cash seems to me to be a common, basic rule of business. I dunno. I’m not a restaurant owner, but I’m just sayin’. ;p Anyway, before I realized it, I spoke up and said “I’ll gladly cover the 80 cents” and fished out a dollar from my purse. The man mumbled “thank you” and his friend nodded toward me, but they quickly made their retreat…and didn’t make eye contact. I just laughed inwardly and wondered if I had made a guffaw but I didn’t know what else to do because the hostess was just standing there with a blank look on her face, their food was getting cold, a line was forming behind me and I wanted to sit down after a long day. :) So that was interesting/awkward story number one.

Story number two comes later in the evening as I am paying for the meal. I left a generous tip (and this is where I must border lightly…but well, no, I won’t. I shall dive headlong into this pet peeve of mine!) TIPPING. At least twenty percent!!! At least. And if you’re a follower of Jesus, it should be more. Period. Christians who tip less than twenty percent DRIVE ME ABSOLUTELY CRAZY and I want to slap them upside the head. Figuratively, of course. But what better way to bless someone else with no thanks or acknowledgment but to leave a generous tip? If we’re to give without acknowledgment, then tipping is one of the best ways we can do it in the everyday sphere.

For one, too many Americans, at least in my neck of the woods, seem to forget those serving us in the food industry (or any industry) are human, have feelings, are overworked and deserve appreciation for their efforts, regardless of whether or not it is their “job.” Where has common human decency gone? I make it a point to engage someone’s eyes and to let them know, even if I’m engaged in an invigorating conversation with my dinner partner, that I appreciate them, am thankful for their service, and know that they are there, serving me. Beyond that - leaving a generous tip is only right. If you have the means to eat out at a sit-down restaurant, factor in a generous tip. Or eat at home. Period.

And for Christians - do NOT leave a gospel tract - TACKY. You only engender perturbed feelings by those who have to do extra work to clean up the extra paper you’ve left behind. /end of side tangent rant.

So anyway, this second story is just to expose how deep my pride runs - no matter how much I may way to get rid of it, it is deep seeded. I tipped generously…but then as I was still sitting with Molly, visiting, the waitress came back to offer me more rice for my leftovers. I gladly accepted and threw another dollar bill on the table as a thank you for her extra thoughtfulness/effort. She had already taken the previous tip. A few minutes later, Molly and I get up, put on our coats and walk out and I saw the hostess, the one from story number one, walking up to our table and I thought “Oh, good grief, she’s going to think I only tipped one dollar!” And I was flustered. Now, not much gets me flustered, but this did…and I thought to myself “Why are you upset? The waitress knows you tipped her and weren’t cheap.” And then it hit me. Pride. Good old fashioned, unadulterated pride. That sickly beast who makes his residence inside. Exposed because I didn’t want to entertain the thought that someone would think I was a cheap diner. That possibility ruffled my feathers, so to speak. And why? Because I still somehow cling to my reputation and want to guard it jealously - I care about what others think - I am not indifferent. Oh, I want to be, but last night is just one small example of how I am anything but indifferent.

Pride - the desire for the self to be admired, petted, elevated - is a nasty, deep-seeded thing that has its grip on so many of our hearts…how many of us realize it? How many of us operate, unintentionally, with thought to it? What was sincerely a desire to bless someone through something as small as a tip got uprooted by the realization that what that hostess thought of me mattered to me, deeply. How awful!!! what was a genuine focus on others quickly turned to the self without me even realizing it before it was too late. And that leaves me grieved.
Lord, have mercy.

Even when I’m trying to be selfless and be a blessing to others, I get tripped up by my own sin nature - by my own issues of pride, etc. Which only reminds me of how much I need a solution other than myself to address my sins and failings. (Something I’ve been reminded of as I’ve been reading a book this week about Jesus.)

He has no {stately} form or majesty That we should look upon Him, Nor appearance that we should be attracted to Him. He was despised and forsaken of men, A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; And like one from whom men hide their face He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. (Isaiah 53: 2-3)

If I want to become more like Jesus, I have to let go of any pride I still cling to desperately. He was not esteemed; he emptied himself of his right to assert his divinity and took on our sin and shame - stripping himself of the pride he rightly deserves to own…and here I am, concerned about what another thinks of me when my Lord humbled himself to the point of death on a Roman cross.

Much to ponder tonight…much to be thankful for as I think about how Christ has found me as I am, loved me, accepted me and paid the price for my pride, for my love of “self.”

Reminded again that I’m just a girl, living one day at a time…bought and paid for with a price by none other than Jesus.

And for that, for that, I am insanely thankful.