The pain in family life creates an aloneness that is different from loneliness. Loneliness is a state of emptiness, whereas aloneness can occur amid a plethora of activities, even dancing. Aloneness causes and is caused by distrust of people that stems from a fear of being hurt one more time. At the root of it is a fear of being neglected or abandoned that leads to alienation from people, sometimes even one’s closest friends. While aloneness is a survival technique, it can come across as independence. (quote from the book Emerging Hope by Jimmy Long.)
Long articulated this intuitive knowledge I had…there were times, especially in my collegiate years, well, even following, really, that I knew I had a ton of friends, was extremely busy and satisfied and fulfilled in almost all aspects of life, and yet, I still felt lonely. Perhaps it wasn’t loneliness but rather, the feeling of aloneness, particularly marked by the lack of a significant other in my life. The scope of the quote is obviously much greater than simply the lack of that kind of relationship with another…but I do think it’s a helpful framework through which to understand ourselves sometime. When we feel alone…are we truly alone or is that feeling tied explicitly to not being satisfied in the “significant other” relationship area (whether or not we are with someone?).
Hmm.
And if we can feel this way even when we are in a loving relationship, then what are we really looking for to satiate our “aloneness”?
A different take…
Indeed, a difference exists between loneliness and aloneness, but to what extent? Does a place exist where these two converge toward some acceptable range? If nothing else, it is interesting to ponder.
As a species, we are social creatures by nature. With respect to Long’s thought on aloneness taking root as a survival technique, I have difficulty in accepting his thinking. For example, as an individual that is part of a large network (human race), emotional disparity often (usually) exists between two individuals. Although it may appear that my example supports Long’s thought, I disagree on another level. For reasons stated in your original post, we can clearly see where my example is in support of Long’s thought. But what about the enlightened soul where controlled aloneness (i.e. deep meditation) is sought after, albeit a somewhat temporary stay in this realm? Maybe then what I’m speaking of is a comparison between solicited aloneness (i.e. the mental state desired by a Shaolin priest during deep meditation) and unsolicited aloneness (of unwanted nature; a reaction if you will), while not touching upon loneliness.
What if when one thinks he/she is feeling lonely or alone that the root of their emotion is actually a lack in personal reflection and self realization? To delve to the root of one’s thoughts would be to truly understand oneself and therefore one’s actions, or lack thereof.
I quite enjoyed this post. Thank you.
If Long is consistent in using his distinction between loneliness and aloneness then he can define them any way he wants; he’s using the words to assert an emotional distinction which he wants to discuss. Judging from the snippet you offer, the distinction seems mostly a difference of degree: loneliness is feeling the absence of connection with others, and evidently to Long aloneness is giving up hope to establish any such connection.
Always the optimist, I prefer using the words to distinguish between negative and positive states of being alone: loneliness is hurting for connection, and aloneness is enjoying one’s privacy. Of course we are social creatures, but there are times, even seasons to be isolated. It’s marvelous to discover that we don’t disappear when we aren’t a member of a group.
I wonder if Long is among those who need to have a radio or tv blaring away in the background 24/7.
Oh, but you’re applying Long’s distinction specifically to a romantic relationship, either to lacking a partner or lacking (for the moment) the feeling of psychic intimacy with him/her. Should you host a poll on the topic, you would probably get opposite results from men and women. I wonder if the answer to the question, “What would it take to fill your heart?” is either what our world teaches us is true or what we think it ought to be.
Scrolling for verses on loneliness, I found your blog. It describes me completely.
Thanks for stopping by!
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I experience both loneliness(from my own sociological disorder), and aloneness very frequently. My alonenees has been a constant since my childhood. From parents and grandparents who really didn’t show affection toward me or others, as well as sexual abuse from someone who told me they loved me. The people I felt closest to passed on very early in my life, and no one tried to help me to bereave those losses.
Now, I am married and have a child of my own. And I still battle everyday. No matter how crowded my life seems, I am still missing that connectivity with anyone. I am alone. My days are filled with feelings of why I am not important to anyone. And because of my social disorder I am finding it to be getting worse everyday. And my husband and daughter are forced to suffer through it.
It is a terrible thing for me to think of how I am affecting them in their lives because of my own problems.