growth

Sometimes I get so discouraged with who I am as opposed to who I want to be, and facing all I am not gets pretty overwhelming at times. I’m a perfectionist so I’m hard on myself naturally and I’m also a pessimist by nature, which also isn’t that helpful. I really have to daily make a concerted effort to “take every thought captive to Christ” and to refuse to be morose over things or situations in my life.

Sometimes I envy people who are naturally optimists – who are seemingly happy go lucky as their base…it’s hard to identify. =) I think life would be easier if my nature was generally one which was optimistic. Instead, I generally and immediately think of worst-case scenario, adjust my mind and emotions accordingly, and then, if life happens to be “better”, I’m extremely pleased.

This is not healthy, I know.

I learned it or inherited it from one of my parents; it’s amazing to me how generational struggles and sins and tendencies are picked up or passed on from one generation to another. I know I need to find that part of my nature, to not give in, to refuse to subject my mind and emotions to anything other than God’s Word and what He says about me, my value and worth. And yet, in the day to day living, there are times I find myself struggling with that.

I feel like the past few months, no make that year, but especially the past few months, I have been sifting and sorting through my life and experiences this past year and reflecting a lot upon my life, my tendencies, my strengths, my weaknesses, and it’s not been an especially fun venture to do; taking an honest, hard look at yourself is never easy. Mark Twain said “We do not deal much in fact when we are contemplating ourselves.” I try to break out of that when I can and deal with fact…but it’s not always a pleasant process. I am reminded of just how much I need Jesus in my life, I am reminded of my brokenness and the fact that I don’t have it all together, that I am just a girl doing the best to love God, follow Him and love others, and that more often than not, I fail in that. And that’s precisely why Jesus is such good news, but there are times I like to think I have it together, that I want to pretend that I am not utterly dependent upon God. So I guess I’m thankful for these times; it’s just…not especially fun going through them.

I took a job that I knew would really challenge me, grow me, and stir up a lot of things in my life – that it would thus be an extremely difficult, challenging time but also a time of a lot of growth and stretching and learning. It has proven to be just that…and in many ways, I’m the new kid on the block and I never like being that. I feel like a freshman in college again…a little unsure, a little unsteady…having to figure out how things work, having to figure out new work patterns and new ways of relating.

Life isn’t about it being easy…I know that, and I know I want to constantly be embracing the challenges and be growing and stretching myself and not being stagnant, but sometimes, I just…quite frankly…don’t like it. The trap of comfortableness is extremely attractive. *grin*

That I even have the opportunity to pursue new challenges and new ventures, to be able to grow and stretch myself and take on a job that helps facilitate that is something more than most people ever get to choose. So I just need to stop myself short and thank God that I have this opportunity and embrace it fully. =)