physical affection

A friend posted some thoughts about physical affection and the need for it and the tension we virgins especially face in light of our desperate desire for both intimacy and just pure physical closeness juxtaposed against our commitment to trying to have healthy boundaries with our friends of the opposite sex in light of having been created sexual beings and our body’s craving for sexual intimacy, i.e. for those of us who have committed to staying virgins before marriage, we want to stay virgins before marriage. ;p

He writes, of this craving, “Shout HYPOCRITE and call me a liar. Isn’t God enough? Of course He is. Sometimes it’s easier to make a rule for ourselves and live under that familiar lash rather than allow ourselves the hope that it might be alright to dream. Of course God is enough… and if He came down and hugged me once every now and then, all would be well.”

In response:

My mother and I have had this conversation many a time; ever since Dad died, it’s come up. God’s supposed to be the father to the fatherless and the husband to the widow, right? Well…you cannot physically hug God or get physical affection from Him, so while I am in no way questioning the theology, I am giving validity to the frustration of those who struggle with this tension, myself foremost. God made us for relationships, God made us for human interaction…God made us for touch. Devoid of anything sexual [saving that for a spouse], we were made to show affection, to love, to care, to express it, but in a world in which there is brokenness, we have found ourselves a little uncomfortable with the platonic expression between male and female and that is a shame.

When my father was dying, all sense of boundaries in those areas were lifted – time was short, life was fleeting, and everyone was hugging and holding everyone else. Because when you enter into an emotional trauma like that…when you face the real pain of life and get a glimpse of issues surrounding eternity, you say “to hell with convention” and your eyes are suddenly open to what is important. And what is important is to hold each other, to cry with each other, to comfort each other, and there are times words fail and all you really need is someone to just hold you.

I remember standing at my father’s grave and I remembering not being able to see through the tears and the rain that fell down…I don’t remember much from that day but I remember my friend X (real nickname ;) who grabbed my hand – and just, gripped it tightly. Knowing his love, through just holding me when I felt so alone even though I was surrounded by hundreds of people who came to say goodbye to Dad, was vastly important. I don’t necessarily remember the words people said during those days and years…I remember more who held me, who cried with me, who put their hand on my shoulder, who squeezed me tightly and just let me know by the weight of their arms around me that they cared, they loved me, and they were there, walking through hell with me.

You’re not a hypocrite, you’re not a liar; you’re exactly as you should be; in my opinion, to not desire that would suggest something is broken. And there is beauty in the struggle; the struggle points toward how things should be, not as how things are, and because of Jesus, we are not without hope.

I responded via blog comment but thought I would post my thoughts here as well, because the way I view life and relationships was forever changed through my experience with my father…and I’m thankful for that. I think I’m a little less uptight (to say the least ;) and a little more willing to error on the side of love than on the side of legalism. (At least I hope that’s what others would say about me. ;p )

His post just opened the floodgate of feelings and thoughts around this whole subject; what is appropriate behavior between male and female. Lots of Christians would tend, out of fear I would suggest, to rule on the side of caution and I would be willing to say many become legalistic as a result, and the minute I see legalism, I run the other way screaming. I think legalism is a copout because it does not demand that we use our minds and the wisdom and logic God has given us, nor does it make us depend upon Him in prayer for guidance in all areas of our life, including relationships. I think, Biblically, it comes down to walking according the Spirit and using wisdom and discernment, and in each case and with each person, it’s going to be different, and so to make any sort of framework or hard and fast rule and commend everyone to follow it (as many seem to do within the Christian culture at large) seems completely out of place with what it means to live in the freedom Christ came and died to give us.