raw

in a smashing pumpkins’ mood…one of their songs just came on…aptly reflects my demeanor.

to say i’m having a rough time would be an understatement.

to say God is always faithful is a reality.

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sometimes i just need someone to hold me.

sometimes i wish God had physical arms.

but taking one day at a time.

it’s been one of the hardest but also one of the best weeks this year to date.

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and i said “goodbye to you…”

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anyway. not sure how to cry out for help when your friends seem too preoccupied to notice or really care.  not sure how to bluntly say “i need to be taken care of right now.”

i’m rarely in a position of being able to ask for help, so to do so implicitly and be turned down is painful and frustrating. but it’s life.

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and i have to be strong for those who look to me, too…so i want to find those spaces where i can cry. where i can be weak.  not that i am putting on an act.  i purpose to be transparent with my students, and in the midst of meetings and such, have let them know where i stand…a quick update…but the reality is…life goes on and i have to pull it together enough to lead well regardless of what the state of my heart is.  God’s grace is sufficient to get me through those times.

God has given me enough strength and energy and fortitude to be able to that this week.

but it’s been a demanding week.

i’m looking forward to monday, my next true day of rest.

especially because the next few weeks are going to be crazy.

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tonight is the celebration service for my friend.  it’s going to be tough.  i wanted to find someone to drive with (it’s an hour away) to help process things in the car but no one is available.

i suppose this is what it’s all about – it has to be me and God.  this is where the rubber hits the road.  this is where faith is put to the test, eh? not that i’m questioning God’s goodness or sovereignty…been there, done that years ago when i lost Dad…but on an emotional level, it is difficult.  and the questions of “why” still swirl around.  or not even “why” but…rather…”how much longer, Jesus, must we go through this before you restore things and make things right?” this pain at times seems too much.

i cannot imagine the pain of losing your spouse or your boyfriend.  and having to adjust to life afterwards.  i don’t want to see my loved ones having to walk down that road.

and this is just one thing on my heart this week.

in the midst of it all, i’ve been pulling 11 – 13 hour work days necessarily, so i’m just a tired girl today.

and life marches on.  doesn’t stop.

and with a deep breath, i plunge back into the realities of day-to-day life.

praying for God to continue to carry me through this time.