I cannot remember the last time I’ve had the real flu…the knock out, no holds barred 7 – 10 day flu.
It visited me Sunday morning, while I was away on a weekend jaunt to the State’s capital; a bunch of friends decided to go to Oktoberfest; we stayed over at a bed and breakfast and I woke up that morning with a raging sore throat. I was flabbergasted, having no prior inkling I was coming down with anything until said sore throat. Anyway, I didn’t realize it was the flu until later in the day. As is typical, I went down fast and was in bed by that evening, 8 p.m. Other than what was absolutely necessary to get things covered and taken care of, I haven’t worked all week. It’s not like me to use vacation time for sick time, so you know I’ve been really ill.
It’s been humiliating and frustrating. I hate not being in control. It’s always a good God-check for me. I woke up that Sunday morning and told friends I had a sore throat and that I was mad at God. One of them said “Well, at least you’re honest.” I was mad because I’ve been doing everything possible to be as healthy as possible and I had just gotten through a cold and so to come down with the flu was just…maddening.
While my temper tantrum with God lasted only a short while, the overall feeling of depression and frustration of not being in control of my body has just made me have some interesting conversations with Him. I couldn’t fake it; I couldn’t medicate it; I couldn’t push through it. My body succumbed to the virus and that was it.
I think of my dad and others – people who through no fault of their own…are diagnosed with terminal cancer. I’m not sure how Dad never ended up angry at God; he was sorely disappointed, but never angry. I witnessed it; I watched it; I also had Mom’s testimony. His response was never anger.
I get the flu and I’m angry.
So I’ve yo-yo ed all week from being thankful that I have health overall and the ability to fight this virus, to feeling the enormity of God and the smallness of me and of medicine…to being frustrated over not being able to work and get things done; to being frustrated with being dependent upon others…to being thankful it’s just the flu…
It’s been a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts.
Add to that I’m going through caffeine withdrawal, which adds a whole other layer of depression and emotions…it’s been a fun week. ;)
I’ve experienced the worst of the flu; this wasn’t a light case. This is the first time I’ve had no desire for coffee in my memory. I’m going to run with it and try an experiment and see what happens. My mother and others will be thrilled. Mother’s into raw foods lately. And has also given up coffee.
Anyway.
So…I feel like today I’m starting to come out of this twilight zone week.
It was homecoming this week for the students; I wasn’t able to see my students attend but it excited me. Basically…from all reports, it was the “Christian” student org who was the life of the party and got the party started. It made me proud of my students. Too often Christian student orgs stay to themselves or shun normal school functions and my students have broken from that pattern, and it just makes me very happy. :)
Strange what makes one happy. ;p Sometimes it’s the smallest of things. When I first came into this group nine years ago, the motto of the students seemed to be “We’re Christians, let’s stay huddled together on this secular university’s campus and be friends with each other” and I wanted none of that – was pretty sure Jesus wouldn’t have wanted that either, so I refused to get involved with the org. I used to say I hated it. A bit ironic as I work for the same org. now as a professional. ;p God does have quite the sense of humor. Anyway, the group of students now is so vastly different from the group of students then…even from the group of students two years ago, that it makes me proud to see them. They’re now just normal, hanging out with anyone, regardless of belief or creed, ethnicity or background…and they live out their faith in Jesus naturally as they live life…the group is the most multiethnic group on campus – it’s taken a lot of hard work to get here, but it makes me smile. Certain things that seemed almost impossible have happened.
God is good.
Anyway.
So, my student leaders make me proud; I was totally out of commission this week and I wasn’t stressed about that aspect – I trust them all so much and knew they’d handle everything well. It’s awesome to have such a mature team of student leaders.
Anyway, I ramble. But I’m starting to regain strength. I had all these grandiose plans of bouncing back quickly and not having to take sick time; then it was I’d pull long days this weekend and make up time; but I’m just realizing that nope, I’m human and I don’t have it in me to push for no reason…what will get done will get done and what cannot just won’t. So instead of frantically trying to jump back into work today fully, I’ve just been doing some light work and mostly have just been enjoying college football from the comforts of my couch.
It’s been a lovely, restful afternoon.
And who knows, tomorrow I might have enough energy to start in on some housework. I’m looking forward to being well. :)
I’m sorry you’ve not been well. I got the flu like that last Christmas and was knocked for six.
Temper tantrum with God – boy, I’ve had a few of those! But I remember someone once said to me (not entirely sure how theologically sound it is) that God would rather we kick and scream in His presence than not be in His presence at all. He is our Father, we can throw a hiss fit with Him, and then sit on His lap after.
How wonderful is that?
Soory to hear that you’re under the weather. Rest. Keep hydrated. Get well.
Karita – I think it’s perfectly theologically sound. That’s how I was raised and that’s how I see all my readings of Scripture – it’s also been my experience with God, Himself. He knows everything – might as well be honest about when we’re angry or hurt or upset rather than try to mask it and pretend we’re not. Who do we think we’re fooling? The Creator of the Universe? Surely not. ;)
Jonolan – thank you. I can’t seem to shake the cough yet or sore throat – trying to rest now that I’m back at work…and trying to drink tons of tea. Thanks for the well wishes!
Tonight I have a speaking engagement. Should be interesting with those cough… ;)