responsibilty

Responsibility.

Sometimes I just don’t want to face it.

I don’t want to make life-changing decisions.  Because then I’m responsible for them.  And I have to own them.  I cannot cast responsibility off to someone else.

And so I freeze. Because the task seems so daunting.

Because I don’t want to screw up.

Because I don’t want to be the one to make the decision.

I don’t want the buck to stop here.

I don’t want to upset the status quo because I’ve become comfortable.  Because it is familiar.  Because I don’ t know what the wilderness holds.

Preparing a teaching on some leadership principles.  Looking at Exodus 18: 13 – 26…making me think of Moses.  And his time in the wilderness.  And how following God does not mean safety.  Doe snot mean we have things tied up in neat little packages and bows.  Does not mean…the ordinary.  Sometimes it means forging new ground, trusting in God, going where we would rather not, leaving behind the comforts of home.  Even if the comforts mean slavery, as they did for the Israelites longing to go back to Egypt even though they were being led out of captivity into freedom and the promised land.

Am I desiring to cling to comforts because of the unknown?  And the fear of all that it will require and the faith that it requires?  Am I stubbornly wanting to cling to captivity when God is promising me freedom and abundance, simply because I don’ t know if I trust in His goodness or faithfulness?

Many years ago, I decided I did not want to be a normal “Christian” – that I was going to follow God wherever He led me and not choose a life of perceived ease, but rather, I was going to radically follow Him no matter what the cost.  No matter where that would lead me.

On the verge of yet another wilderness, I find my resolve faltering.  And yet, I’ve been here before; I’ll be here again if I continue to follow God.

Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.

** For those wondering what on earth I’m talking about – I realize this blog is primarily my electronic pad of paper to pen my thoughts and work out my life, and I don’t always explain what my vague ramblings are about…but…my impending wilderness are decisions that will be life altering.  So many of our decisions are, I realize that, ones that we don’t even realize we’re making, and yet some are clearly life altaring…and the decision begs the questions of just what the implications will be.

So many decisions.

Adulthood.

Not an easy walk in the park.

Cliche-ridden, my heart asks God, what do you have for me?

At least I know from experience and from revelation, He will never leave me nor forsake me.

And that brings me comfort.

I think of friends who have moved to new cities.  Or moved to another country.  Or my sister who took off for another country for a year.  I admire their courage.  Their hope.  Their bravery.  Or maybe their naivete.  Maybe their idealistic dreams.  Maybe their wits-end decisions.  Whatever they might be.

I want to be like them one day.

Or do I?