reflection

Yesterday was one month since I ended the relationship and walked away from an amazing man and one of my best friends. I miss him. That goes without saying. God is faithful to provide for my needs, though. I spent yesterday with God all day – drove out to a retreat center I go to [...]

Read Full Post »

overload

Oblivious Without a care Jackass extraordinaire Wrapped in a bleeding heart Depth of reality You’ll never know Power wielded, Cumbersome. Intimidation, don’t work here But that’s the problem Emotional compromise Overload. – May 27, 2010

Read Full Post »

cake

To all the boys who want to have their cake and eat it, too… I’m not for consumption I won’t be your balm Your rationality Your wisdom Your hope Your comfort Your shoulder to cry on Your emotional support Your best friend Twice removed. I won’t be your dumping ground Your punching bag Your go-to [...]

Read Full Post »

theme song for today

In obedience to Jesus, there is just complete freedom; learning to love that freedom more and more as I embrace obeying Him. Love this song.  Learning to let go more and more… I’m being dragged down, down by the hand The hand of a golden giant man He’s crushing my knuckles Splitting my skin, he [...]

Read Full Post »

change has come

Here again. Frustrated. And yet… Changed. No longer captive. Free to walk away. Free to laugh. Free to dance the dance. No longer pining, Hoping, Longing. Portending you care. – May 19, 2010

Read Full Post »

different version

Blindsided Confusion all too simply clear You, me I wasn’t even aware of the dance Hot-mama, the girls say Sugar-daddy lass So crass, the formulaic crystal house They use to enclose this sweet exchange And all I’m left with is the dream of parallel universes for all the different boys Where I make all things [...]

Read Full Post »

re-vision

Get out of my head You walked away Erase the years Erase the laughter The tears, the anger Ease the pain your joy brings Irony, sweet and biting You became all you promised you’d never be And me, I’m left holding the bag Why, why do this Addiction, cyclical, the drugs just change faces Love, [...]

Read Full Post »

gift

I worked a fourteen or so hour day yesterday, so I slept in a little bit this morning. I was making phone calls last night to expand and deepen my funding base.  I called one of my regular partners and asked to speak to the husband’s wife; she was out, but the way in which [...]

Read Full Post »

healing

Completely healed. This particular album and artist was one of my favorites, but it was tied to a man (my boyfriend at the time) who broke my heart; of course, I let him. Learned a lot in the years since…but…I used to be able to not listen to this music without deep sorrow even though [...]

Read Full Post »

the varying faces of grief

Grieving the loss of a close friendship; seasons come, seasons go and so I must adjust. “I don’t need him” I state to a friend to try to help provide self comfort in the face of this painful loss. “Yes you do; you just aren’t dependent upon him; but you need him; that’s why this [...]

Read Full Post »

sleep

Disconnect. Keep me compartmentalized Neatly wrapped up in a bow, Resting on the dusty recesses of your shelf Pull out when you desire; Then shove back when it’s inconvenient. Blind…dichotomistic…two faces to every man. Two sides to every story. Here, there, everywhere. Your charm can only get you so far. When does the facade fail? [...]

Read Full Post »

men and women

I mentioned to one of my best friends he should read For Men Only to help him understand half of our disagreements over the years…I’ve read For Women Only to help me understand the male mind and it was insightful and every year that I re-read it, it’s a great refresher course for me. I [...]

Read Full Post »

friends

I want to be everything, to everyone. I know I cannot, but this does not seem, yet, to pervade my internal thought life or the emotional angst when I realize, yet again, I am not, cannot, and will not be able to meet others’ needs. A dear friend who moved away from friends and family [...]

Read Full Post »

raw

in a smashing pumpkins’ mood…one of their songs just came on…aptly reflects my demeanor. to say i’m having a rough time would be an understatement. to say God is always faithful is a reality. – sometimes i just need someone to hold me. sometimes i wish God had physical arms. but taking one day at [...]

Read Full Post »

God’s love in human form

I’ve spent the last half hour alternating between quietly crying and sobbing, reading this story. What do I say to the author but acknowledgment of the grief I feel for him and his family and the promise to pray for them as the Holy Spirit brings them to mind? His story stirs up so many [...]

Read Full Post »

the character of God

Thinking about depending upon the character of God in light of some pretty significant disappointments this past month, in my personal life and the lives of others I hold dear — His character which is good, loving, just, compassionate and merciful. Randomly, Pedro came on and the refrain “If I look up and the sky’s [...]

Read Full Post »

faith

“With faith like a child…” (Jars of Clay) What does it mean to have “faith like a child”?  Practically for those of us familiar with the theological terminology or intimations surrounding the phrase…what does it mean when we put flesh and blood on the concept?

Read Full Post »

grace, revisted

Thanks to Laura for another reminder. :) “And the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.” – Relient K

Read Full Post »

question

What do you do to feel alive?

Read Full Post »

on pleasing others

I like pleasing people. I like pleasing people a lot. I used to think I had overcome this trait, which, in general, I believe to be detrimental to health and vitality…but…I’ve come to realize that deep down at my core, I still struggle with the desire to be liked, to be affirmed, to be approved. [...]

Read Full Post »

quick rambling on infuriating grace

You know what?  I had an epiphany this past week. Grace is infuriating.  I think I actually saw those two words coupled somewhere, but it hit me in a way it hasn’t before. I think I have spent so much time with Muslim and atheist friends who have pressed me over the years on how [...]

Read Full Post »

question

Can you be in love with two people at the same time?

Read Full Post »

waiting

A random poem I found while cleaning out some paperwork from my life…I don’t entirely agree with the underlying theology espoused here, but overall, I think it has some gems. No idea who wrote it or even where or how I have it my possession. :) But thought I’d share. “In God’s Time” Everyone longs [...]

Read Full Post »

experience

Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn. – C.S. Lewis

Read Full Post »

compassion in a broken world

And you want to know the insidious thing about my own heart? I received the prayer request to a group email list-serve that I administer, and was set to approve it for mass distribution and was numb and thought to myself “I’ll pray for this student and her family” until I processed this was a [...]

Read Full Post »

pray

I came home last night to find out that a student from a neighboring campus was in a terrible accident.  Her name is Ruth.  She is currently in a drug-induced coma with broken ribs, punctured lungs, a punctured colon, severed vertebrae, and a blood clot in her brain. And all I can do right now [...]

Read Full Post »

pondering

Ever have those friends with whom you get along with really well but you almost inevitably end up in some sort of argument with?  Is it because the two are too much alike?  Too far different?  Or is it just that some personalities, when you bring them together, explode? ;)  And it’s a beautiful fireworks [...]

Read Full Post »

films and ethics

Just watched “Training Day” yesterday for the second or third time – love that movie… Looking forward to watching in the near future: Tears of the Sun Traffic A River Runs Through It Dracula (outlier, haha) Mono Lisa Smile Antwone Fisher The Siege Legends of the Fall The Thin Red Line Inside Man The two [...]

Read Full Post »

theory

I have a theory that when you’re ovulating, men know.  On some primal, chemical level, men pick up on those kinds of things. I’m sure there’s been much written on this – if so, I haven’t read it, but there has to be.  But I’ve lived enough and talked to enough girlfriends to know I’m [...]

Read Full Post »

ramblings on language and the heart

life is so strange, sometimes. i’m really trying to wrap my mind around it. and i’m just plain hungry for some c.s. lewis. i haven’t taken any proper time with his writings lately and i’m feeling a drought. i made a crustless pumpkin pie tonight. i’ve been saying i’d make one since february…heh. finally made [...]

Read Full Post »