different version

Blindsided
Confusion all too simply clear
You, me
I wasn’t even aware of
the dance
Hot-mama, the girls say
Sugar-daddy lass
So crass, the formulaic crystal house
They use to enclose
this sweet exchange
And all I’m left with is
the dream of parallel universes
for all the different boys
Where I make all things right
Where this two-step dance
Ends in romance
A parallel universe, complete
With a different version of [...]

Read Full Post »

re-vision

Get out of my head
You walked away
Erase the years
Erase the laughter
The tears, the anger
Ease the pain your joy brings
Irony, sweet and biting
You became all you promised you’d never be
And me, I’m left holding the bag
Why, why do this
Addiction, cyclical, the drugs just change faces
Love, passion, insecurity
Your new high
Vandalizing all that is good
And all that you [...]

Read Full Post »

gift

I worked a fourteen or so hour day yesterday, so I slept in a little bit this morning.
I was making phone calls last night to expand and deepen my funding base.  I called one of my regular partners and asked to speak to the husband’s wife; she was out, but the way in which he [...]

Read Full Post »

faithfulness

Qualities can be strengths or weaknesses…”faithfulness” is usually seen as a good quality, but I still smile when I think of Mom years ago telling a suitor that one of her concerns about me is that I am extremely faithful and she was afraid I’d be faithful to him. lol. I think she meant [...]

Read Full Post »

healing

Completely healed.
This particular album and artist was one of my favorites, but it was tied to a man (my boyfriend at the time) who broke my heart; of course, I let him. Learned a lot in the years since…but…I used to be able to not listen to this music without deep sorrow even though [...]

Read Full Post »

the varying faces of grief

Grieving the loss of a close friendship; seasons come, seasons go and so I must adjust.
“I don’t need him” I state to a friend to try to help provide self comfort in the face of this painful loss.
“Yes you do; you just aren’t dependent upon him; but you need him; that’s why this loss is [...]

Read Full Post »

sleep

Disconnect.
Keep me compartmentalized
Neatly wrapped up in a bow,
Resting on the dusty recesses of your shelf
Pull out when you desire;
Then shove back when it’s inconvenient.
Blind…dichotomistic…two faces to every man.
Two sides to every story.
Here, there, everywhere.
Your charm can only get you so far.
When does the facade fail?
How long until you wake up
Or is this a permanent sleep?

Read Full Post »

men and women

I mentioned to one of my best friends he should read For Men Only to help him understand half of our disagreements over the years…I’ve read For Women Only to help me understand the male mind and it was insightful and every year that I re-read it, it’s a great refresher course for me. [...]

Read Full Post »

friends

I want to be everything, to everyone.
I know I cannot, but this does not seem, yet, to pervade my internal thought life or the emotional angst when I realize, yet again, I am not, cannot, and will not be able to meet others’ needs.
A dear friend who moved away from friends and family wants a [...]

Read Full Post »

raw

in a smashing pumpkins’ mood…one of their songs just came on…aptly reflects my demeanor.
to say i’m having a rough time would be an understatement.
to say God is always faithful is a reality.
–
sometimes i just need someone to hold me.
sometimes i wish God had physical arms.
but taking one day at a time.
it’s been one of the [...]

Read Full Post »

God’s love in human form

I’ve spent the last half hour alternating between quietly crying and sobbing, reading this story.
What do I say to the author but acknowledgment of the grief I feel for him and his family and the promise to pray for them as the Holy Spirit brings them to mind?
His story stirs up so many emotions and [...]

Read Full Post »

the character of God

Thinking about depending upon the character of God in light of some pretty significant disappointments this past month, in my personal life and the lives of others I hold dear — His character which is good, loving, just, compassionate and merciful.
Randomly, Pedro came on and the refrain “If I look up and the sky’s not [...]

Read Full Post »

question

What do you do to feel alive?

Read Full Post »

on pleasing others

I like pleasing people. I like pleasing people a lot. I used to think I had overcome this trait, which, in general, I believe to be detrimental to health and vitality…but…I’ve come to realize that deep down at my core, I still struggle with the desire to be liked, to be affirmed, to [...]

Read Full Post »

question

Can you be in love with two people at the same time?

Read Full Post »

waiting

A random poem I found while cleaning out some paperwork from my life…I don’t entirely agree with the underlying theology espoused here, but overall, I think it has some gems. No idea who wrote it or even where or how I have it my possession. :) But thought I’d share.

“In God’s Time”
Everyone longs [...]

Read Full Post »

experience

Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn.
- C.S. Lewis

Read Full Post »

compassion in a broken world

And you want to know the insidious thing about my own heart?
I received the prayer request to a group email list-serve that I administer, and was set to approve it for mass distribution and was numb and thought to myself “I’ll pray for this student and her family” until I processed this was a student [...]

Read Full Post »

pray

I came home last night to find out that a student from a neighboring campus was in a terrible accident.  Her name is Ruth.  She is currently in a drug-induced coma with broken ribs, punctured lungs, a punctured colon, severed vertebrae, and a blood clot in her brain.
And all I can do right now is…pray.
I [...]

Read Full Post »

pondering

Ever have those friends with whom you get along with really well but you almost inevitably end up in some sort of argument with?  Is it because the two are too much alike?  Too far different?  Or is it just that some personalities, when you bring them together, explode? ;)  And it’s a beautiful fireworks [...]

Read Full Post »

doxology

I’m working tonight and just realized that for the last forty-five minutes I’ve been humming and/or singing the Doxology.
Fascinating. Good thing I’m working out of my home office. ;)
My concentration/focus is impeccable. ;p

Read Full Post »

ramblings on language and the heart

life is so strange, sometimes.
i’m really trying to wrap my mind around it.
and i’m just plain hungry for some c.s. lewis. i haven’t taken any proper time with his writings lately and i’m feeling a drought.
i made a crustless pumpkin pie tonight. i’ve been saying i’d make one since february…heh. finally made [...]

Read Full Post »

being the eldest

Wow.
So today, just now, I quickly had tears well. I’m “spring cleaning” and came across a lot of handmade gifts from my younger brother who is seventeen years my junior, and his gift bag, handpainted, had a note attached to it that read, “i hope you will have a merry christmas with us.”
Grah.
This little boy [...]

Read Full Post »

;)

itching to dance…
“let’s go ouuuuuuuuuuu-t tonight!”
(rent)
excited about a lot of things. nervous, a bit…well…”scared” isn’t the word…a bit apprehensive about how everything shall work…time shall tell…preparing to say a lot of “goodbyes”…excited about the next steps…hungry for life.
my mother was right…she told me that because i had given so much of my time helping [...]

Read Full Post »

on sin

A letter.
[Take it or leave it. Thoughts free-flow...]
I Turn Everything Over (Switchfoot)
Monday found me on my knees again
Breathing You in
To blur the lines that mark where I begin
And where You end
No use in trying to pretend
Come take me again
‘Cause rumor has it I’m not who I’ve been
Come define me

What can we do
If the rumors [...]

Read Full Post »

compartmentalization – a masculine trait?

I’m really good at compartmentalizing. So much so, that those closest to me say I’m like a man in that area…
There’s no doubt about it – I am emotionally in tune with myself (i.e. a polite, sugarcoated way of saying “an emotional female”) – but when it comes to living life…I’m extremely good, probably [...]

Read Full Post »

beginning

I love New York City!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After a thirteen hour trip (I drove the whole way), we ended up at Dan and Annika’s after being lost in the city for about an hour – primarily the Chinatown area…after twelve hours in the car, you can imagine how fun it was to be lost…I actually had a blast [...]

Read Full Post »

“nice”

Like the wicked witch of the west, I feel like I’m melting, yo! Over 90 degrees and with the humidity, it feels way more hot…and I’m not a fan of the heat.
Pant, pant.
–
Waiting for laundry to be done, pretending I don’t have to still pack for tomorrow. ;p
NYC, here we [...]

Read Full Post »

love

want you to know that i still love you
india arie
I think love never ends…it morphs, changes, but most often, never truly ends…our ways of dealing with it force us to compartmentalize, ignore, or bury it when it must change nature…maybe we use such absolutist terms to help us deal with the changes and pain or [...]

Read Full Post »

coffee, coffee, all things coffee

I use the word “coffee” for a general meeting at a place where they serve coffee. I have never actually ordered just coffee… the closest I sometimes get is a coffee based beverage, like a latte. Sometimes it’s not even a coffee based beverage (hot chocolate, chai tea, etc…)
I think it’s just the idea of [...]

Read Full Post »