thanks

Counseling. Raised to think it unBiblical.  Psychobabble.  Needless.  A mix of secular pride and Christian self-help, entwined, enmeshed around the idea of seeking therapy.  Heaven forbid you admit you need help.  Holy Spirit can heal you, they said; you just need to do more work – spiritual work, of course – read your Bible, pray, [...]

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reflection

Yesterday was one month since I ended the relationship and walked away from an amazing man and one of my best friends. I miss him. That goes without saying. God is faithful to provide for my needs, though. I spent yesterday with God all day – drove out to a retreat center I go to [...]

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overload

Oblivious Without a care Jackass extraordinaire Wrapped in a bleeding heart Depth of reality You’ll never know Power wielded, Cumbersome. Intimidation, don’t work here But that’s the problem Emotional compromise Overload. – May 27, 2010

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cake

To all the boys who want to have their cake and eat it, too… I’m not for consumption I won’t be your balm Your rationality Your wisdom Your hope Your comfort Your shoulder to cry on Your emotional support Your best friend Twice removed. I won’t be your dumping ground Your punching bag Your go-to [...]

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theme song for today

In obedience to Jesus, there is just complete freedom; learning to love that freedom more and more as I embrace obeying Him. Love this song.  Learning to let go more and more… I’m being dragged down, down by the hand The hand of a golden giant man He’s crushing my knuckles Splitting my skin, he [...]

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tonight.

separating fiction from fact lies from truth habits from freedom present reality from kingdom perspective desires from needs self-awareness from God-awareness immaturity from maturity selfishness from selflessness shadows of love from the real thing. – May 25, 2010

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change has come

Here again. Frustrated. And yet… Changed. No longer captive. Free to walk away. Free to laugh. Free to dance the dance. No longer pining, Hoping, Longing. Portending you care. – May 19, 2010

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different version

Blindsided Confusion all too simply clear You, me I wasn’t even aware of the dance Hot-mama, the girls say Sugar-daddy lass So crass, the formulaic crystal house They use to enclose this sweet exchange And all I’m left with is the dream of parallel universes for all the different boys Where I make all things [...]

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re-vision

Get out of my head You walked away Erase the years Erase the laughter The tears, the anger Ease the pain your joy brings Irony, sweet and biting You became all you promised you’d never be And me, I’m left holding the bag Why, why do this Addiction, cyclical, the drugs just change faces Love, [...]

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gift

I worked a fourteen or so hour day yesterday, so I slept in a little bit this morning. I was making phone calls last night to expand and deepen my funding base.  I called one of my regular partners and asked to speak to the husband’s wife; she was out, but the way in which [...]

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faithfulness

Qualities can be strengths or weaknesses…”faithfulness” is usually seen as a good quality, but I still smile when I think of Mom years ago telling a suitor that one of her concerns about me is that I am extremely faithful and she was afraid I’d be faithful to him. lol. I think she meant she [...]

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healing

Completely healed. This particular album and artist was one of my favorites, but it was tied to a man (my boyfriend at the time) who broke my heart; of course, I let him. Learned a lot in the years since…but…I used to be able to not listen to this music without deep sorrow even though [...]

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the varying faces of grief

Grieving the loss of a close friendship; seasons come, seasons go and so I must adjust. “I don’t need him” I state to a friend to try to help provide self comfort in the face of this painful loss. “Yes you do; you just aren’t dependent upon him; but you need him; that’s why this [...]

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sleep

Disconnect. Keep me compartmentalized Neatly wrapped up in a bow, Resting on the dusty recesses of your shelf Pull out when you desire; Then shove back when it’s inconvenient. Blind…dichotomistic…two faces to every man. Two sides to every story. Here, there, everywhere. Your charm can only get you so far. When does the facade fail? [...]

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men and women

I mentioned to one of my best friends he should read For Men Only to help him understand half of our disagreements over the years…I’ve read For Women Only to help me understand the male mind and it was insightful and every year that I re-read it, it’s a great refresher course for me. I [...]

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friends

I want to be everything, to everyone. I know I cannot, but this does not seem, yet, to pervade my internal thought life or the emotional angst when I realize, yet again, I am not, cannot, and will not be able to meet others’ needs. A dear friend who moved away from friends and family [...]

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raw

in a smashing pumpkins’ mood…one of their songs just came on…aptly reflects my demeanor. to say i’m having a rough time would be an understatement. to say God is always faithful is a reality. – sometimes i just need someone to hold me. sometimes i wish God had physical arms. but taking one day at [...]

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God’s love in human form

I’ve spent the last half hour alternating between quietly crying and sobbing, reading this story. What do I say to the author but acknowledgment of the grief I feel for him and his family and the promise to pray for them as the Holy Spirit brings them to mind? His story stirs up so many [...]

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the character of God

Thinking about depending upon the character of God in light of some pretty significant disappointments this past month, in my personal life and the lives of others I hold dear — His character which is good, loving, just, compassionate and merciful. Randomly, Pedro came on and the refrain “If I look up and the sky’s [...]

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question

What do you do to feel alive?

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on pleasing others

I like pleasing people. I like pleasing people a lot. I used to think I had overcome this trait, which, in general, I believe to be detrimental to health and vitality…but…I’ve come to realize that deep down at my core, I still struggle with the desire to be liked, to be affirmed, to be approved. [...]

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question

Can you be in love with two people at the same time?

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waiting

A random poem I found while cleaning out some paperwork from my life…I don’t entirely agree with the underlying theology espoused here, but overall, I think it has some gems. No idea who wrote it or even where or how I have it my possession. :) But thought I’d share. “In God’s Time” Everyone longs [...]

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experience

Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn. – C.S. Lewis

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compassion in a broken world

And you want to know the insidious thing about my own heart? I received the prayer request to a group email list-serve that I administer, and was set to approve it for mass distribution and was numb and thought to myself “I’ll pray for this student and her family” until I processed this was a [...]

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pray

I came home last night to find out that a student from a neighboring campus was in a terrible accident.  Her name is Ruth.  She is currently in a drug-induced coma with broken ribs, punctured lungs, a punctured colon, severed vertebrae, and a blood clot in her brain. And all I can do right now [...]

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pondering

Ever have those friends with whom you get along with really well but you almost inevitably end up in some sort of argument with?  Is it because the two are too much alike?  Too far different?  Or is it just that some personalities, when you bring them together, explode? ;)  And it’s a beautiful fireworks [...]

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doxology

I’m working tonight and just realized that for the last forty-five minutes I’ve been humming and/or singing the Doxology. Fascinating. Good thing I’m working out of my home office. ;) My concentration/focus is impeccable. ;p

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ramblings on language and the heart

life is so strange, sometimes. i’m really trying to wrap my mind around it. and i’m just plain hungry for some c.s. lewis. i haven’t taken any proper time with his writings lately and i’m feeling a drought. i made a crustless pumpkin pie tonight. i’ve been saying i’d make one since february…heh. finally made [...]

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being the eldest

Wow. So today, just now, I quickly had tears well. I’m “spring cleaning” and came across a lot of handmade gifts from my younger brother who is seventeen years my junior, and his gift bag, handpainted, had a note attached to it that read, “i hope you will have a merry christmas with us.” Grah. [...]

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