without condition

sorta

a girl — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 04:02:14 +0000

and i’m so sad
like a good book
i can’t put this day back
a sorta fairytale
with you
a sorta fairytale
with you

– tori amos

authentic community

a girl — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 18:21:55 +0000

Met with two of my student leaders last night – male and female – we’re leading one of the eight small groups on our campus (they got relegated to be co-leaders with the staffworker, haha)…

During the course of the hang out (the desired purpose to get to know each other better…), the following was directed towards me…

“When you lead, you’ve got a game face.”
“You like to be in control.”
“What intimidates you about a man?”
“How does a man approach Christy if he’s interested in her?”
“Older, younger?”
“What do you say about me when I’m not there?”

It’s not going to be a boring year, that’s for sure…both of them are going to keep me on my toes. ;) I’m excited, though. They’re fabulous individuals.

I train students and talk about authentic community quite often – being real with each other, not wearing masks with each other, etc…and my students really make me proud in that area – their community on campus is vibrant, real, deep and still growing. They just sometimes ask me to live out what I preach at the most unexpected times, haha, and they dig into my life. Striking the balance between authentic realness and being a leader who cannot always get into the details is always an organic, sometimes messy, ever-changing process.

The leaders I respect are the ones who wear their flaws on their sleeves, who don’t pretend to have it together, who are real. That’s always my hope with students – that I would be accessible and just…seen as a real human being. I just sometimes find myself in “staff” mode…and when you have 80 or more people vying for your time and attention, you do learn at times to put up walls and carve out necessary boundaries. Learning when to take them down and sometimes moving back and forth from “leader” whose job it is to equip and motivate a lot of individuals to simply “Christy” is a nuanced art and takes quite a bit of skill.

rehash

a girl — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 04:30:23 +0000

“cake”

To all the boys who want to have their cake and eat it, too…

I’m not for consumption
I won’t be your balm
Your rationality
Your wisdom
Your hope
Your comfort
Your shoulder to cry on
Your emotional support
Your best friend
Twice removed.
I won’t be your dumping ground
Your punching bag
Your go-to girl.
I won’t be the one you compare every girl to
And the one you run every one by.
I won’t be the one who calls you out
And tells you like it is
I won’t be your spare tire
Your back up plan
Your rainy day friend
Your platonic date.
Your argumentative buddy
Your movie friend…
I won’t be your cake.

thorn in the side…

a girl — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 03:19:23 +0000

Doing what I love, in the season that I love. Life is good.

I wish I didn’t have this cold but it seems God allows me to have some sort of ailment or issue at each major season…just when I think I’ll be able to take it to the next level because I have a lot of dreams or ideas or inspiration, I get “hampered” – either by sickness or other circumstances, so I’m never fully operating at full capacity. I have a sneaking suspicion God allows that to keep me humble and super reliant upon Him. I also get frustrated because I think “Things could be so much better if only…” but I must be content with what I can do and what He does with that, as it is.

And so here, again…I enter into this season with a cold.

Let the trusting begin!

home

a girl — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 03:01:52 +0000

Home after a long weekend upnorth…fighting off a cold – last week, a student placed his cup near mine, I drank it, and he warned me he had a cold; I knew I’d come down with it because I was in super busy mode…and sure enough…I came down with it over the weekend. Pretty miserable but just your average cold…enough to annoy and mess with clarity of mind…but not much more.

I’ll have a 24 Hour prayer event in my home starting tomorrow to kick off the new semester – I’ll be in and out all day running meetings with students but others will be praying.

Hard to believe the summer is over.

monday…

a girl — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 15:46:18 +0000

So much to do; I am so happy it’s Monday…deadlines, crazy amounts of work to get done – lists galore. Back in my fall season element. Coffee, too many things to get done – I thrive on stress – a healthy level of stress. ;)

–

“Love is a dangerous past time.” – Regina Spektor

late night

a girl — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 04:44:57 +0000

Wound up. Listening to dance music probably isn’t helping. I had a long, full day today, pretty much nonstop until just after midnight, so I’m just thankful that I’m done. I’m in the middle of my crazy busy season…and it’s only going to get crazier from here on out…until October. But I’m going on a girls’ weekend over Labor Day to the lake/woods, so I’m thankful for that in the midst of all of this.

And so it begins really in earnest – I’m bracing for 12 – 16 hour days in the near future…here we go!

musical snapshot

a girl — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 21:44:31 +0000

Sitting next to Dad, while he was hooked up to the IV lines, receiving chemo for hours on end, sitting in the chair next to him, while he laid there, weak…dying…the cancer slowly eating away at his strength, I aimlessly did schoolwork, and I distinctly remember listening to “Little Black Backpack” over and over. A guy friend had introduced it to me among other songs…and so…that’s what was on my playlist…nothing spectacular; nothing that even really “spoke” to me about my situation…more than a line or two…but there it was, on my cd, and so I listened to it, rather aimlessly, listlessly…and yet, in that seemingly random decision, I burned a soundtrack of my father’s cancer journey in my memory.

I just heard the song.
And immediately was back in that chemo room, with all the sterile, horrifying smells – smells only found in a hospital – of death and the foreboding sense of gravity found in the cancer ward.

I know it
It’s a shame
A shame I can’t show it
And I see it
I can see it now
But I’m so far below it
Don’t wanna

Don’t wanna talk about it
I say why not?
Don’t wanna think about it
I say there’s got to be some good reason
For your little black backpack
Up, smack, turnaround he’s on his back
And
Don’t wanna tango with you
I’d rather tangle with him
I think I’m gonna bash his head in
And this shouldn’t concern you except that
Just don’t expect to get your bloody black backpack back

I feel you
Yes I can
What about that don’t you understand?
I sense you
It’s something sensual
But it’s less than I planned
Don’t wanna

You’re trying to find a reason for the way you feel tonight
Your mind is lined with layers of lead
Have you heard one thing that I’ve said?
-Stroke 9

little black sandals

a girl — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 03:59:53 +0000

These little black sandals are walking me away
These little black sandals are heading the right way
These little black sandals are walking me away
These little black sandals saved my life today – Sia

Photo from the student picnic the other night. I’m in a period of great transitions and I am loving it. Love the Sia song as well; sometimes it takes just one foot in front of the other…

frozen meal happiness

a girl — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 02:17:22 +0000

I love my life. I love having my own home, being an adult, working, investing in relationships.

It’s 9:29 on a Saturday evening. I still have dishes to do, I just put in a frozen meal in the microwave, and I’m just smiling. I’ve rested all day, not gotten out of pajamas, had the house to myself, had coffee, watched SVU, blogged, and just enjoyed “being.” The stillness in the middle of my busy work season…the ability to have my own kitchen, my own frozen meals, a roof over my head, and the freedom to choose to live how I desire. So few people have that; I know I am deeply blessed.

It’s good to be alive.