I’m quite fascinated by the whole “raw foods” idea of living. I don’t think I’m in any danger of converting since I don’t foresee the time it takes to live that way being in my near future…but I do love the concept and idea and my mother has been learning how to cook in that manner for the last four months and I just saw a plethora of items she’s made through photos and I’m quite hungry as a result. I tend to prefer the more vegetarian lifestyle overall…but I don’t think about it that much – I just find myself ordering that way more often than not and not always being thrilled when I get meat dishes, etc…
Anyway. Maybe one day. For now, I just want to start off by trying some things. :)

I would like to know where my year has gone.
Okay, thanks.

I got twelve hours of sleep last night but woke up at 2:30 p.m. today so I’m in a bit of a panic. I don’t like missing most of my day but I also have really needed the sleep, so I’m thankful I was able to get so much sleep. Maybe I’ll be more “caught up” now.
Lots to do tonight. Hopefully I’ll do it. It’s almost 6 p.m. I turned down a concert tonight with friends. Whether I get tons done or just continue to rest, I want to be well rested after this weekend. Tomorrow will be a full day. Looking forward to it, but much to do before then.
It’s dark, my brother is gone for the weekend, the place is quiet. It’s just one of those “gray” days.
I also woke up to find out about a suicide attempt, so that’s difficult. The person should make it but there might be complications.
Life.

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. – Albert Schweitzer.

So thankful for Watermark’s music. Christy, the wife of “Watermark”, is my father’s second cousin. I wish I had known her since she’s closer to my age, but we grew up in different states. Anyway, their music (it’s a husband and wife team) has just really ministered to me through some dark, painful times, and continues to do so.

When the lie is deeper than I know
You capture me and You carry me home
You see these wounds and rescue me
You always heal things beautifully

And I close my eyes
And You can still my heart
And I call out Your name…
‘Cause You always know
You always know where to find me…
You always know
You always know where to find me…

And where could I wander that You wouldn’t be?
Whom have I but You who really knows me?
Proven to be the God that sees
From strength to strength You’ve lifted me…

And I could cry from the depths of the earth
I could stand on a mountaintop
And I can speak Your name out to the wind
And You go before me…
And You fall around me…

‘Cause You always know
You always know where to find me…
You always know You always know where to find me…
- Watermark

I haven’t had much time to devote to blogging or even fostering an online community the last year or so – maybe two ;), but I just added a “subscribe by email” function via WordPress, not simply feedburner (now google, lol) to this particular blog.  I love having blogs delivered to my inbox to read since I rarely surf the blogosphere to keep up with even blogs I love and adore.  I love helpful features like that. :)

“Christy, you’re the kind of friend people avoid when they’re doing wrong or are doing something they shouldn’t because they know by your very nature and quality of friendship, you’ll call them out on it – even if you say nothing to them, they just…know… what they should be doing and don’t want to disappoint you or deal with it.”

I’ve lost a lot of friendships over the years…sometimes I wonder if that has anything to do with it.

My friends and I are constantly striving to grow, learn, mature, develop, sharpen each other, grow in our faith, in our walks, in our lives.  Grow to be better friends, better employees, better family members, etc.  To do that proactively and intentionally, it takes work and commitment, and a lot of people just aren’t interested in that.

Many times, I’ve found that friends, unconsciously, usually ;p, avoid hanging out with me at various times in their lives, because I challenge them and they don’t want to be challenged or they know what advice I’ll give and they don’t want to hear it, even if they know I’m right.

A lot of times, friends fade in and out of my life…and when they come back, they have some story to tell me that they said they kept from me because they knew what I’d say about it had they told me at the beginning, and they wanted to do it anyway, but now they’re dealing with the consequences and kicking themselves they didn’t keep me in their lives to be a helpful voice in their life.

One friend told me I’m one of two people he would always run by every major decision in his life because of my wisdom. (Whatever wisdom that is -  just a gift from God – Scripture and the Holy Spirit).  But anyway, this kind of proactive, interactive, engaging relationship is what I’m always about – it’s natural to me, and I cannot imagine anything else.

I take after both of my parents. Both deeply thoughtful, deeply wise, deeply good with conversation.

I also do this in my job, on a regular basis, as well, not just with my personal circle of friends and family.

It can be lonely, though…when friends avoid you because they know you’ll speak truth in love – and you just miss them.  (By the way, I’m not just giving advice or counsel, unsolicited – these things always crop up from conversations or when they invite me into situations, etc… ;p)

And apparently, I have eyes that bore into a person’s soul.  Countless people talk about my eyes…that when we’re talking, they feel like I’m seeing directly into their soul.  One gal said to another friend, “I cannot lie to Christy, because she just knows when I’m lying; I might as well be honest- she just knows.”  I’ve had friends squirm and ask me not to look at them when we’re talking (many, many times over).  I ask why and they say they feel like their soul is exposed.  I don’t know what this is.  I hope it’s a gift from God to be used for good, but it is an interesting facet of my life.  I probe, I prod, I try to ask helpful questions…counseling comes rather naturally to me, albeit I’m a layperson and not a professional.  But between my philosophical background and propensity for asking good Socratic questions ;) and my professional training in ministry, plus a whole lot of life and professional experience, I think helping people connecting the dots and think more deeply and thoughtfully about their lives and seeing them make connections and grow and find freedom in truth and in healing, etc…is one of the greatest joys in my life.

True friendship is not always easy.  And it doesn’t always “feel good.”  And sometimes that’s frustrating, in a feel-good culture and society.  Especially when you’re missing particular friendships.

I have a lot to ponder – I could be completely off…anyway, much for me to think about.

So much going on in my head.

–

It’s about 1 p.m.  My brother is still sleeping; he’s a 19 year old man, but still!  He’s been doing this for the last four days – and I need sleep and cannot sleep, lol.  I want him to wake up soon, though, so I don’t have to keep so quiet while he’s asleep.  Our flat is small, so the bedrooms are in the middle of the layout, so we really have to be quiet when the other is sleeping – there’s no muffling noise.

–

My allergies have been bad lately; I’m thinking it’s the forced air from the furnace now that the heat is on – heated air infused with cat.  My landlords have a cat and I’m highly allergic to cats – as I’ve had to use the basement (primarily where the cat lives) for laundry, my allergies have adjusted slightly and I’m better, but lately…my allergies have been acting up horribly – and I haven’t had issues for six months or so, since first moving in, so…I’m wondering what is going on.  The landlords have a special filter on their furnace but I’m thinking I need to put filters on our vents up here, because my allergies are acting up.  Hmm.

–

I think on some level, I’m frustrated with God; on other levels, I’m not.  One moment at a time.  I get frustrated when I think that the rain seems to fall on the just and unjust (i.e. God bestows blessings to people undiscriminating) and then I remember there is no one who is righteous, so I’m being ridiculous when I compare myself to others who are blessed with what I’m particularly longing for and deem that they’re having more “fun” doing whatever they are doing while I’m trying to follow Jesus on a road that is oftentimes hard.  It’s hard when you “do things right” and see others who don’t and see them “blessed” and you’re still trying to hang onto faith, hoping for God to give you what you want…because that’s the purpose of it all, right?  For my needs and desires to be met. *grin* Oh dear –   my faith is so weak.  He’s calling me to maturity and I’m still wishing and hoping he’ll give me what I deem to be a good gift and wanting to pout when I see others with it and I’m still waiting.

A friend’s mother called me “radical” in passing on a social networking site.

I wonder what she means – in the moment, which has long since passed, I was too busy with work to ask what she was talking about.  I’m pretty sure she means being a campus pastor, living on my own…but I don’t know if it entails more.

It’s just always so interesting to “see” yourself from other people’s perspectives.

–

I’m taking today off from work.  I’ll work a day or so this weekend, but I’m going to enjoy these two days in a row off. :)  I plan to do dishes.  Maybe watch a movie, rest, catch up on some things I rarely get to do because of work, etc.  I tried to sleep in today, but to no avail.  Looking forward to some tea in a few minutes.

–

I took yesterday “off” from eating especially well since it was a holiday, but I only took small portions of Thanksgiving dinner and I was absolutely stuffed.  Not used to that many calories in one sitting even though I ate “light”.  I ate one main meal  yesterday and had a piece of dessert, but woke up starving this morning, so that’s good. :)

My family cooks a fabulous Thanksgiving meal.  So tasty, but what was interesting, is that, now that I’ve been restructuring my diet these past few years..that kind of rich food (stuffing, gravy, turkey, green bean casserole, cranberry-orange relish, salad and sweet potatoes, sweetened with orange juice) just…is too much.  I’m not used to having that kind of fare.

Mother’s been into raw foods lately…I don’t have the time, so I’m not too worried about becoming a huge raw food person, but I do see myself, in an ideal world, heading down that road more and more. :)  It excites me.

–

Tea for now.  I really want a cup or two of tea this morning. :)

Mmmmm.

–

And I’m terrified now of having kids.

I’m highly emotional tonight.  Had a fabulous Thanksgiving day today with family…but it’s brought up a lot of emotions…mostly…just missing my three younger sisters and wishing they wanted to hang out more/had more time.  I’m close with my three younger brothers, but I feel distant with my sisters.  They got together to cook Thanksgiving dinner spur of the moment and didn’t tell me.  Thanksgiving plans were changed at the last minute – we were all going to Mom’s and having a simple meal together to play games and hang out…but then one of my sisters who is still in college decided to host, and I don’t know when it was decided, but I wasn’t told until this morning that there had been a change of plans so I just showed up with the rest of the family.

I express desire to hang out with them, invite them to do so, say I’ll meet up with them and drive out to them (we’re all a good distance from each other), but it never happens.  They all have the “family drive” within them and thus keep themselves all insanely busy in either school, work, or both, but it was just hard to see them and know that I’ll see them a few times this year and that’s it.

I want more.  But they have to want it and have time for it, too. Two of my sisters live together at home and said they see each other maybe once a month – and they’re in the same house, so that made me feel slightly better about not seeing them as much as I would like, but still, dissatisfied.

Stuck in this stage of just…I dunno.  Discontent with that area of my life but unsure how to fix it except to keep praying and hoping things change one day.  I know I was the same when I was in college.  It’s just hard being on the other side of it.