Archive for September, 2008


Touch my soul, renew me.
Cling to me.
Creative energy.
Temperate patience.
Proactive wisdom.
Here, there.
Expand the vision.
Hone the steps.
One day at a time,
Take my hand.

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I am on my knees

Take my world apart.
– Jars

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I’m in this strange state of feeling…old. Not necessarily physically, though there are days I can tell I’m not longer a teenager ;) but rather…just in…experience and life.

I was two and a half when my mother was my age. And my sister was on the way. To think about being married and with children right now just…is…so foreign.

But I work with 18 – 22 year olds, primarily, on a day to day basis, and so I guess while in many ways it keeps me “young” I also inwardly feel “age” in a way I’m not sure I would fully if I were in a more normal working environment. Was I really that young as an incoming freshman? Hmm…I wonder. :)

I sometimes forget my age and the disparity between myself and my students until a student blurts out “You’re my staffworker; I forget that you’re not that old!” or “You are so wise and old and mature.” Hah.

Granted at that time of life, one year’s seniority can mean great leaps in maturity/experience. But still.

I don’t know if that is what is contributing to feeling old or that my friends who are two to three years younger are married and having babies, etc…

Or if it’s my “little siblings” moving out of country or just simply growing up that impacts me.

Either way, I feel like I’ve lived through a lot of “life.”
When I was in college, my professors told me I was an “old soul” in a young body.
I’ve been told that since I was a pre-teen. Maybe my body is just now starting to catch up with my soul/head? ;) And so I’m all of a sudden feeling it?

Who knows.
Rambling here.

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I’m hot, then cold, then hot, then cold.
If I ever get married, I’m going to drive a man nuts with the way I turn the heater on, turn it off, turn it on, turn it off.

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music speaks when i cannot

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I’m gonna learn to love without fear

Pour me a glass of wine
Talk deep into the night
Who knows what we’ll find

Intuition, deja vu
The Holy Ghost haunting you

Whatever you got
I don’t mind

Put your elbows on the table
I’ll listen long as I am able
There’s nowhere I’d rather be

Secret fears, the supernatural
Thank God for this new laughter
Thank God the joke’s on me

We’ve seen the landfill rainbow
We’ve seen the junkyard of love
Baby it’s no place for you and me

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I’m gonna learn to love without fear

(over the rhine)

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Anna came over with a gift: an electric kettle.  ;p  I think everyone around here shall breathe a little easier now since I am tied to the stove because of an insatiable love for tea and coffee. :)

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smelling like a man

I’ve been using a man’s razor for shaving for a while now…because it works better. :)  But the other week, on two separate days, I received offers for a free can of men’s shaving cream.  Not one to pass up something free that’s useful, I decided to accept.  Even though I don’t live with a man.  So…I’m using the free shaving cream…and boy…it’s fabulous.  I highly recommend it. ;)

I smell amazing.

I smell like the guys who usually turn my head when I catch their scent as they walk by.  ;p

Free shaving cream = good stuff.

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My sister moves to Spain on Friday… :( I’m getting ready for a goodbye dinner with her…

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whiter than snow

This Psalm has popped up twice in my life from completely different sources this past week…and each time, it’s spoken to my heart and my life.

From Psalm 51

1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. 2 Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. 3 For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. 4 Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge. 5 Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. 6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. 8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. 9 Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. 10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 11 Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. 12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. 13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you.

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“He who loves one woman, loves them all; he who loves many, loves none.”

(Spanish proverb)

I assume the love spoken of indicates eros…provoking proverb in the context of fidelity.  Hmm… :)

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How does one be honest and authentic without freaking everyone else around them out? ;)

A friend, my father’s age, said if any of us really knew what another was thinking, including our spouses, we’d be horrified and it’s God’s grace that we don’t know…of course, I operate under the assumption that God knows everyone’s mind.

Rather…strikingly crazy…because if that’s the case, then…wow.  The good news about Jesus coming on a rescue mission to save humanity, to save me, becomes even more “good.”

I’m quite sure I don’t want to know what others are truly thinking…and I’m not talking about being straight-up honest.  I’m one who demands that from her closest friends but also gives it…but I’m talking about the crazy thoughts that just…jump into our head without our seeming control or volition..things that would just…hurt others if they knew but which have no true bearing on our lives…or in what we think of others.

I might think “That is hideously ugly” when seeing a friend’s new dress but I have the good decency not to comment (unless asked directly for my opinion)…how many times have I been spared that from someone else?  And you can imagine the extent, depth and breadth of things that come into this category.

Phew!  Crazy to think about.

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thought life

Life is hard.  It really is.

And sometimes…thinking about it too much can mess you up.

Today is a day off…need to clean my apartment before I go back to work tonight.  7 p.m. meeting…and I jump back into the work week. :)  I’ve probably put 100 hours of overtime in the last two months, if not more, so I decided I was taking 3/4 of a day off today and am enjoying doing nothing.  Though that nothing has to quickly translate into cleaning my office/room/apartment rather quickly. ;p

Lots to think about.

Lots to ponder.

Lots to parse.

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odd woman out

I hung out with three couples night – all six super close friends, two of the women former roommates…they are all married.

I was the only lone gal in the group…and the only virgin. And sex was the topic of the night – two of the four couples are newlyweds and the other couple has only been married for a year or so.

I generally am fine – have no issues hanging out with my married friends…and didn’t last night except that I did feel pretty…antsy. Twenty-six, still a virgin and there’s nothing I can do about it since I intend to wait until and if I ever get married to experience that intimacy with my husband. And the waiting sometimes just absolutely sucks. I’m not going to lie. Additionally, I endure the waiting without ever really knowing, either, if there will ever be “light” at the end of tunnel, since I’m committed to not having pre-marital sex and I don’t know whether or not I shall get married).

I know many others have gone longer before they enjoyed sex/intimacy within marriage, but this ain’t an easy journey by any means, and while I believe by faith that it’s worth the wait, sometimes this journey is just…rough.

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Baby, I don’t know your name!

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In a society which focuses so much on (sex) appeal and attraction, how do you age gracefully?  Especially as a woman?  How do you filter out all the adds and messages sent, not only by “society” in general but by the entertainment industry…and even our loved ones who are also thus influenced, that we must be physically appealing/attractive and that our worth, whether explicitly or implicitly insinuated, lies in our attractiveness (however defined?).  How do you navigate the waters practically and not be capsized by others’ opinions?   How do you synthesize your body changing with age, children coming, disfiguring or altering accidents, and the course of life which ages us and eventually starts to decay our bodies with our value and worth as an individual?

And for men who are generally seen to be even more attractive as they age, how do you handle it if you’re a woman?

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I’ve been working 55-60 plus hour work weeks for the past two months and am currently a bit tired. ;)  My days off when they arrive (today is one such day) look like…just…lazing around the house, re-energizing my mind, soul and body.

I love seeing God transform another person.

I love seeing Him transform me.

It amazes me that longer I walk with God and try to follow Jesus, the more I realize just how much I need Jesus.  I finally get what my Dad and other adults would say when I was younger…how much the reality of doing what we do not want to do and not doing what we should do plays out in my life.  And as the years pass by, the clarity becomes more painful.  Which is supposed to make the amazing grace that much sweeter.

I find myself wrestling again with God’s grace…with the gift of salvation…I fall into the trap of thinking that God’s pretty lucky to have me…that my eternal salvation…and my present salvation is dependent upon my response to God in how I live out my life.  I forget the simple truth that there is nothing more and nothing less that I can do to make God love me more.  His love is unconditional.

It saddens me that as I grow older, I lose my taste for my first honeymoon experience in deciding to follow Jesus and then letting Him be Lord of my life.

The sweetness of coming into a relationship with the God of the universe and being set freed from the soul sickness (sin) that besets me is no less true…but working out your faith after salvation isn’t always the glamorous emotional experience that first falling in love with Jesus provides…analogous to a marriage – the courtship, engagement and then marriage is such a honeymoon experience for many couples…but the love first felt on one’s wedding day will only mature and deepen as time goes on…and there are many many times the emotional thrill and “honeymoon” experience will be absent.  That doesn’t make a spouse love his or her partner any less…but love is do multi-dimensional.  I wonder if it’s the same in our walk with Christ.  If…the layers are many…and if the journey is rather along the same lines.

Seeing the excitement and joy of a young believer or new believer is a refreshing reminder to my soul and points to realities far beyond the day to day reality of living life.

I need to write.  My soul languishes when I don’t.

4th Avenue Jones…absolutely love their album “Stereo: Evolution of…”  It’s so sexy and just…fabulous.  I never tire of it since I was first introduced to it.

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stand up, please

This is to my dream girl, if you’re listening, are you out there?  Would you stand up, please? I would love to, if you would let me, be what you deserve.

– Eightysix Drama

For my guy friends…or something. ;p

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i know

I have wonderful comments from you all that I intend to respond to…when my brain isn’t fried. ;p

Until then, thank you. :) They don’t go unnoticed or unappreciated.

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cry me a river

Oh boy…my nerves are shot tonight…both computers (this includes my work computer) are acting up and I’m fit to be tied.  Anyway, so I decided to put on some music; it’s approaching 9:30 p.m., I’m tired and longing for bed.  Tonight was supposed to be a relaxing evening at home but it didn’t turn out that way.  Oh well.

Justin Timberlake’s “Cry Me A River” is doing the trick.  Mmm.  Music can be so soothing.

Sigh. Anyway.  Today was a full day – lots of unexpected issues I had to help my students navigate through.  Tomorrow’s a new day. :)  I cannot wait to sleep. I want to sleep for 900 years. ;)

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Forgot to eat lunch but I’m remedying that…butternut squash soup – yum!

So I’ve been putting in 60 hour weeks…and inbetween those hours, recuperating, trying to sleep or just run my day-to-day life.  Missed writing.  But absolutely LOVING work…

For those relatively new, it took me a little under two years to transition out of law (I loved my last firm) into my current full time work and it has been the craziest, most wonderful adventure…and now I’m doing it…finally, and am loving it.  The confirmation has been fabulous to have…the more I get into it, the more passionate and excited and content I am with where I am right now.

Hung out with longtime friends from college – some of my friends who know me the best and vice versa…and we were discussing one friend’s future…he’s finishing his phd in biology and is looking towards what is next…philosophy is on the table and of course, I am in great support for that pursuit, seeing as it was my undergraduate degree and is a personal favorite of mine…but the four of us got into a heated argument, ahem, discussion about life and work and being able to pursue your passion through work.  So few people are able to do that…that I know I’m incredible and insanely blessed…to be able to do so, but I believe that simply because few are able to, that for those who have an opportunity to pursue their passions, they should…within reason and wise counsel, of course, but this man excels in the science field…but is passionate about philosophy and other areas…and since he has an opportunity to add this to his life, I believe it can only enrich his life and his future career plans.  So I enthusastically encouraged him to pursue the route of at least a masters in philsophy.  I’ve known him for seven years and every time a major life decision comes up, his passion for critical thinking and philosophy, etc. comes up.  It’s time he finally pursued some education in that field. :)  Anyway…

It got me thinking – I’m able to do something I’m incredibly passionate about (which is why 60 hour weeks are fine, because the work I do is energizing and something I believe in) but being able to do this has not come without some great price, including salary and lifestyle.  So there are pluses and minuses to working in the field you are passionate about…such is life.  And the joy is being able to choose and make decisions.

I recognize I’m one of the few in this world who has the privilege of a college education and the opportunity to choose what sort of work I choose to do to put bread on my table; I don’t take it for granted or lightly – I thank God every day for where He has me and ask that I use my gifts and resources wisely to help others…

Just rambling here…I think my soup is heated through now. :)

Enjoy today.

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strange saturday

I miss all of you, but work is kicking my butt.  I absolutely, passionately LOVE it but right now it’s demanding my all – emotionally, physically, time-wise, and mentally.

On other fronts, it’s been raining nonstop for at least nine hours…it’s crazy.

I am blessed with amazing friends.

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Lisa and David recently have been reminding me of stopping to enjoy the little things.
Like waking up on a Sunday morning to the sound of drizzly rain.
To fresh baked brownies waiting for my students who will come over later.
For music that just romances your soul and makes you want to dance (thanks, Nine!).
For friends. Love. Life.
For the fact that life carries on, God’s promises are always true, and love is coming.
Praise God for life!

Enjoy today. :)

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Can you just take me back to the beginning?

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blood boiling

I get so worked up about politics that for the last eight years, I’ve really tried to ignore them…
As of this summer, I’m back in, again…but trying not to bite the hook fully.
Once a love, always a love?
There was the time I’d listen to political talk radio for 6 – 10 hours a day (when I was a young teen). My parents thought I was nuts. ;p
I do wonder how it would work, being married to someone who held almost completely opposite political worldviews if you chose not to ignore the differing belief systems. I know it’s been done – but I do have to wonder, does the couple only hold their beliefs tenuously, refuse to talk about them with each other, or secretly or openly lack respect for the other’s held beliefs? I do not see how a close, intimate, supportive partnership can be formed when really, some of the underlying, fundamental principles and worldviews that divide the two political parties really clash with each other when given flesh in real life decision-making; how would you run a household or raise children when certain beliefs may come into clash? While a lot of the rhetoric may be the same when both parties campaign, when you take certain party platform positions and follow the threads down to the basic beliefs, you start to see a clash of worldviews. I’m curious how it works for those couples. Or maybe people don’t parse their beliefs as thoroughly as I tend to and just vote party line and don’t think about what worldview they are actually espousing when they cast their vote.

I have a love/hate relationship for politics. I’m a lot more liberal than when I started my journey but still hardcore right on many issues – is that even possible? I’d like to believe so. As such, neither party suits me well and I’m no longer comfortable in my political skin. If I could just create my own candidate with a good dose from the left, a good dose from the right, throw in a little libertarian and some of this and some of that, I’d be a happy camper. But label me a moderate, and I’ll want to bite your head off.

My ideal? Only in a perfect world, eh? And by then, we won’t need politics.

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I’ve lost my voice as evidenced by the lack of posts here. Not sure when I shall snap out of it and desire to write again; perhaps by even posting this post, I will have broken the dam and the floodwaters will come again.

Too dramatic? Perhaps. But the reality is I have had no desire to write. Which is not like me at all…when I’m hurting or going through a hard time, I usually write; except when it’s too much and I just completely shut down.

I’m only able to scratch the surface here in this blog because while for some, it may not seem like it, I am an extremely private person, but I have been going through one of the best and hardest times of my life on a few different fronts. Paradoxical? Perhaps, but welcome to my life. Welcome to the world.

Thanks for caring.

On other fronts, I am thankful for musician friends. I cannot imagine losing the gift of friends who write and play music…it’s such an awesome enrichment in one’s life to have people you know and value creating music around you. I love it. One of the best things in life. :)

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