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Counseling.

Raised to think it unBiblical.  Psychobabble.  Needless.  A mix of secular pride and Christian self-help, entwined, enmeshed around the idea of seeking therapy.  Heaven forbid you admit you need help.  Holy Spirit can heal you, they said; you just need to do more work – spiritual work, of course – read your Bible, pray, ask God to heal you, change you.

Exhausting.  And wasn’t working very well.

26 years.  Belief entrenched.

And then, two years ago, I started to notice people I deeply respected.  They all seemed to have had counseling at one time or another.  And slowly the seeds that had been planted years before by D.W. started to get watered.

Three years ago

“Who do you think you are?!  You help your students all the time – you don’t think you might need to talk to someone?!  What are you so scared of?  Why are you so stubborn?!”

I miss you, D.W.  You were right; you were always right about me.  In the way the Christians never had the guts to be.  You got in my face, you yelled; you turned bright red.  And you loved me.  Enough to call me out on my bullshit.

That’s what I loved about you.

Oh, you didn’t love me unconditionally.  You didn’t love me unfalteringly, as the followers of Jesus do who are in my life – the ones committed to work out conflict, misunderstandings, pain – you ended up leaving – something about a girl, something about us being too close and making her uncomfortable.  So you walked away and I lost the only older brother I ever had.  But you did love me, for a season.  Enough to not pander to me in that time.  And you knew just how to deliver what I didn’t want to hear.  Because you also admired and adored me.  And so I felt safe with you.  Safe hearing that I was an idiot.  Because I knew you respected me.

And it’s that part of you, that part of us, that I miss.

I wish I could tell you you were right.

I wish I could tell you how much I enjoy counseling.  How helpful it is.  How week after week, I have to deal with my pride, and my issues and my brokenness.

I wish I could say thank you.

But I can’t.

So…I write about it here.

I thank God.

And I do the hard work of coming to grips with reality and pursuing truth and becoming whole.

One day at a time.

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Yesterday was one month since I ended the relationship and walked away from an amazing man and one of my best friends.
I miss him.
That goes without saying.
God is faithful to provide for my needs, though.
I spent yesterday with God all day – drove out to a retreat center I go to once a month…didn’t realize my monthly retreat would fall on the one month mark until the end of the day. Did a lot of processing my life with Jesus. And then talked with my spiritual director, whom I love dearly; she is fabulously kind, warm and tough on me. Processing life with her and what God is teaching/doing in my life has just been one of the best gifts I’ve ever been given.
Anyway.
Spent the time journaling, writing, processing, fell asleep for a long nap, walked around the pond, enjoyed some C.S. Lewis’ fiction, prayed…and connected a lot of dots in my life.
I am so thankful for time to retreat, reflect and process.
I cannot imagine life without that time. My life flies by so quickly sometimes that to be able to assess what is happening, what I’m learning, what God is doing, etc…is so incredibly helpful and allows me to actually grow and not remain in just a state of activity and productivity.
Afterwards, I drove to friends’ to take a walk with them along a boardwalk in the woods along a stream that dumps into a river; it was incredibly lovely and a fabulous way to end my day.
God is so very good to me.
So very good.
I miss him but am at a point where I am just so deeply thankful for these past few years and the gift that he was and is to me. It’s so strange to have had almost no contact whatsoever…break ups are always…I dunno. Involved.
People ask if I have regrets and I just look at them like they are insane. I am thankful that I can rejoice over what God did in and through me and our relationship and the ways in which he grew me. I will be forever grateful for his presence on my life.
And so…
Life goes on.
And I still miss him.
Such is life.

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Oblivious
Without a care
Jackass extraordinaire
Wrapped in a bleeding heart
Depth of reality
You’ll never know
Power wielded,
Cumbersome.
Intimidation, don’t work here
But that’s the problem
Emotional compromise
Overload.

– May 27, 2010

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To all the boys who want to have their cake and eat it, too…

I’m not for consumption

I won’t be your balm

Your rationality

Your wisdom

Your hope

Your comfort

Your shoulder to cry on

Your emotional support

Your best friend

Twice removed.

I won’t be your dumping ground

Your punching bag

Your go-to girl.

I won’t be the one you compare every girl to

And the one you run every one by.

I won’t be the one who calls you out

And tells you like it is

I won’t be your spare tire

Your back up plan

Your rainy day friend

Your platonic date.

Your argumentative buddy

Your movie friend…

I won’t be your cake.

– May 25, 2010

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In obedience to Jesus, there is just complete freedom; learning to love that freedom more and more as I embrace obeying Him.

Love this song.  Learning to let go more and more…

I’m being dragged down, down by the hand
The hand of a golden giant man
He’s crushing my knuckles
Splitting my skin, he says he’ll let go
If only I’d ask it of him

He says
Girl, it’s your call
You wanna fly
You wanna fall

So I shout
I wanna get away from you
As fast as I can
I tell my feet to move it
I hope they have a plan

These little black sandals
Are walking me away

These little black sandals
Are heading the right way

These little black sandals
Are walking me away
These little black sandals
Saved my life today

So now I’m free
Free

From the big bad giant
Who was stalking me
Thank you feet, for guiding me
I’m glad somehow I got brains down there, at least

These little black sandals
Are walking me away
These little black sandals
Are heading the right way

These little black sandals
Are walking me away
These little black sandals
Saved my life today

Sometimes I’m tempted
Sometimes I am
I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss that giant man
He was the line between pleasure and pain

But me and the feet have some years to reclaim

These little black sandals
Are walking me away
These little black sandals
Are heading the right way

These little black sandals
Are walking me away
These little black sandals
Saved my life today

– Sia

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separating fiction from fact

lies from truth

habits from freedom

present reality from kingdom perspective

desires from needs

self-awareness from God-awareness

immaturity from maturity

selfishness from selflessness

shadows of love from the real thing.

– May 25, 2010

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Here again.
Frustrated.
And yet…
Changed.
No longer captive.
Free to walk away.
Free to laugh.
Free to dance the dance.
No longer pining,
Hoping,
Longing.
Portending you care.

– May 19, 2010

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