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musical snapshot

Sitting next to Dad, while he was hooked up to the IV lines, receiving chemo for hours on end, sitting in the chair next to him, while he laid there, weak…dying…the cancer slowly eating away at his strength, I aimlessly did schoolwork, and I distinctly remember listening to “Little Black Backpack” over and over. A guy friend had introduced it to me among other songs…and so…that’s what was on my playlist…nothing spectacular; nothing that even really “spoke” to me about my situation…more than a line or two…but there it was, on my cd, and so I listened to it, rather aimlessly, listlessly…and yet, in that seemingly random decision, I burned a soundtrack of my father’s cancer journey in my memory.

I just heard the song.
And immediately was back in that chemo room, with all the sterile, horrifying smells – smells only found in a hospital – of death and the foreboding sense of gravity found in the cancer ward.

I know it
It’s a shame
A shame I can’t show it
And I see it
I can see it now
But I’m so far below it
Don’t wanna

Don’t wanna talk about it
I say why not?
Don’t wanna think about it
I say there’s got to be some good reason
For your little black backpack
Up, smack, turnaround he’s on his back
And
Don’t wanna tango with you
I’d rather tangle with him
I think I’m gonna bash his head in
And this shouldn’t concern you except that
Just don’t expect to get your bloody black backpack back

I feel you
Yes I can
What about that don’t you understand?
I sense you
It’s something sensual
But it’s less than I planned
Don’t wanna

You’re trying to find a reason for the way you feel tonight
Your mind is lined with layers of lead
Have you heard one thing that I’ve said?
-Stroke 9

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little black sandals

These little black sandals are walking me away
These little black sandals are heading the right way
These little black sandals are walking me away
These little black sandals saved my life today – Sia

Photo from the student picnic the other night.  I’m in a period of great transitions and I am loving it.  Love the Sia song as well; sometimes it takes just one foot in front of the other…

frozen meal happiness

I love my life. I love having my own home, being an adult, working, investing in relationships.

It’s 9:29 on a Saturday evening. I still have dishes to do, I just put in a frozen meal in the microwave, and I’m just smiling. I’ve rested all day, not gotten out of pajamas, had the house to myself, had coffee, watched SVU, blogged, and just enjoyed “being.” The stillness in the middle of my busy work season…the ability to have my own kitchen, my own frozen meals, a roof over my head, and the freedom to choose to live how I desire. So few people have that; I know I am deeply blessed.

It’s good to be alive.

down to the letter

I’ve been learning this on the piano and belting it out…so cathartic. One of my current favorite songs…

I thought that we`d be
Further along by now
I can`t remember how
We stumbled to this place

I loved you like a long lost brother
On a bad day maybe I thought why bother
I`ve seldom seen so much anger
In a face

I wanna do better
I wanna try harder
I wanna believe
Down to the letter

Jesus and Mary
Can you carry us
Across this ocean
Into the arms of forgiveness

I don`t mean to laugh outloud
I`m trying to come clean
Trying to shed my doubt
Maybe I should just keep
My big mouth shut

More often than not
When it comes to you
You want whatever`s not in front of you
Deep down I know this includes me too

So tell me your troubles
Let your pain rain down
I know my job I`ve been around
I invest in the mess
I`m a low cost dumping ground

Trouble is I`m so exhausted
The plot, you see, I think I`ve lost it
I need the grace to find what can`t be found
-Over the Rhine

(Randomly, out of the blue…) “So… would you date someone younger? And if so, what is your lowest threshold?”
I’m pretty sure the *correct* answer to that is… “They must be legal.” Anything else is merely preference. ;p
Hahahaha. Just kidding. ;) But that kind of question deserves a bit of a tongue -in-cheek answer.

I’m in a really good place regarding being single. I’m going through so much transition, have a crazy-wonderful ministry that keeps me busy, have incredible friends and family that also fill my life, am growing and learning so much, plus am in the process of figuring out if I want to buy a house in the near future, etc… that I don’t have time much to think about a partner or my lack thereof. ;p And I don’t feel like I’m “missing” something from my life (as I might have once felt).

I see men around me and know that certain characteristics in a husband would be amazing to have in my life…but it would be just that – an amazing addition to my life.

I would love one day to partner with a godly man who would complement me and vice versa, but I’m not angsty about the fact that I’m not married (even if others, including my mother, are ;), and I’m super enjoying life and all the freedom I have. Of course, if the right man walked into my life, I wouldn’t turn him down. :) But I think I’ve come to a place where I really love the freedom and opportunities I have as a single woman and just what God has given me in this season to do, and I know it will take a special kind of guy to partner with me in that particular way, and I’m okay with that.

Of course, when I go visit my girlfriend and hold her three month old who is just to-die for, my desires for a husband/best friend and a family get fanned into more flame, but in the day-to-day of living life, I’m just thankful God has given me so much to do and meets my needs so perfectly. I know marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be – a good partnership can be amazing, and so that’s what I ask God for, but singleness is also an amazing season of life, so if it’s just for a season or for my lifetime, I’m excited about whatever God has.

Following Him is the best, most fulfilling decision I’ve ever made and my relationship status doesn’t matter anymore.  That’s a good place for me to be.

complexity, healing

“You’re a complex woman,” she says.

So, it’s official.  The professional says what I’ve known all along. ;)   Another says everyone is complex.   But I dunno.  While I would agree on some level that everyone is complex…there’s a part of me that thinks for whatever reason, God has put me together in a particularly complex fashion.   The way I think, the way I feel, the way I am always and forever processing…

Counseling has been extremely helpful in this season of life; I wish I had gotten it when Dad passed away almost a decade ago, but I’m grateful for it now and so thankful to be able to get it at this stage in life.  It has been extremely helpful and eye-opening – hard and challenging – freeing and wonderful.  Most weeks, I feel like I need an eighth day in my week just to process my one hour counseling session…I feel like I’m growing and healing and maturing in leaps and bounds.  God is stripping away a lot of things I’ve clung to or hid behind; I am in a process of discovering more and more who he’s made Christy to be.  Not who everyone else expects her to be or raised her to be or wants her to be or thinks she should be, but who she is at core.  I feel like God’s healing just keeps washing over me…and that’s all cliché to really say that my counselor is helping me see areas in which I’ve been blind, is helping challenge me, encourage me, affirm me, and support me – connect the dots, ask Jesus for healing in places and areas where I need it, see patterns and thoughts that are not healthy or Biblical and work on changing them, etc.  It has just been so good. I am so thankful for what God is showing me and the ways I’m experiencing his love and care through this process.

It feels like a dance to sort through my idealism and my need to survive and thrive from reality…

I’m becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin.

My employment/experience with the organization I work for these past three years has been extremely helpful on that end, but I feel like counseling with someone I trust who is both a clinical and also pastoral counselor is just accelerating the process.  I could not be a bigger fan. :)

Thankful.  Deeply thankful.

pause, rest, repeat

Ever have days in which you are just…walking through your day in a slight haze due to a tiring week?

That’s today.  I feel like I haven’t quite “woken up” yet…the coffee and the tea isn’t helping.  I’m having a lovely but absolutely unproductive day, except in the area of “rest.” :)

Welcome back to my school-year rythem…come Saturday and I’m almost comatose unwinding from the week… ;)

It’s good to be back here, though.  I’m excited for this new school season, proud of my students, and just enjoying life.

I’m going to miss living in this home but I’m excited about the prospect of buying a home…and even if I end up renting, it means I can paint my apartment dark red; I’ve had to forgo my deep red walls during my stay here since I assumed my elderly landlords wouldn’t appreciate their 1920’s home being transformed into a beautifully dark red canvas. ;)  Cannot wait to have my own place again.  I love this place – the character, the memories…but I’ll be ready to move on next spring when the time comes.

So much of life to process…constantly.